Not So New...

Happy New Year, self.

Another year, and things don't seem to change...

Fuck.

Long Lost Post From Internetless Days...

Well, here I am. In the car. In the backseat actually, testing out if I get car sick or not while typing on my laptop. The screen keeps bouncing, stop that.

Merry Christmas everyone, for a few hours still, well, while I'm typing this anyway. If I could keep my screen from bouncing this would be so much better. So far I'm not carsick, so far this is really fun actually. I can see that I'm annoying Dad and Mom told him to get over himself or something of the like. I could tell because of his face, not because I heard them because I can't. I have headphones in.

Did I mention this is fun? I wonder if I can work on writing a story while I'm in the car, we'll see. I'm not hopeful because it seems that while doing this in the car I'm easily distracted and not relaxed at all.

How has everyone's Christmas' been? Mine is nearly over...I say nearly because I won't be opening the presents my grandparents got me until tomorrow night when the rest of the family gets to the house.

Speaking of getting there, I think we'll get there in a few hours, two to be exact.

I'm feeling car sick now. Maybe I just won't look at the computer while I'm typing and that'll make things so much better.

Okay, this is a test at whether or not I need to look at the computer to type. How'd I do? Hm...

More later...



Day Two:

We got here safe and sound, but! There is no internet thanks to an ice storm they had on Christmas Eve. So, here I will continue to write things down until I can post them when we get back to Fucktucky. Erm...I mean Kenfucky.

Lexington.

You get the point...

Today I woke up to the very bright glare of the sun reflecting off of the foot of snow that covers our land. I looked out side and noticed that the reason it was glaring so much, is because there is an inch of ice covering all of the show. Makes for neat scenery, but it shitty for making a snowman. So scratching out the idea of making a snowman...oh well.

Tonight Granny-Anne and I will be making out great Christmas cookies, eating a wonderful Christmas dinner and opening our presents that we didn't get to open. My Uncle Michael, Uncle John's girlfriend Scottie and her little girl Lauren will be coming up for the festivities.

I'm not feeling so great, since after we got up this morning, had coffee in town and then came back I was helping Uncle John throw some seriously big branches down the bank (they were broken off by the icestorm), then got into an epic tackle/snowball fight with him and winded myself one to many times. I had a coughing fit from hell between laughing until my ribs hurt, and loved every minute of it.

I just took a nice hot shower, enough to peel wallpaper off the wall (if there was any) and now I think I'm going to go and sit on the couch and drink some pumpkin eggnog.

Will check back later...


Day Two:Part Two:

I rested and am feeling much better! We had a family dinner that consisted of ham balls and corn, sweet potato casserole, green beans, and this odd grape salad that my Great Grandmother used to make all of the time. Of course, I just ate ham balls and corn and loved every minute of it.

After dinner there was a small crisis with the bathrooms, but one exploding toilet later and all the water you could need, everything was fixed. I, of course, felt like I had cracked a few ribs laughing. Trust me, you don't really want to know what happened.

Uncle Michael went home, he ended up having to cover for someone at work tomorrow morning and Dad slowly went off the deep end once again. He went to the point where he was bitching at me in front of Granny-Anne. He never does that. I felt embarrassed for him, and for her and for myself because he's just so fucking mean and full of himself.

Mom told me that she wouldn't be taking him home to the mountains next year. I don't really believe she'll follow through with that, but it's something for him to reflect on.

I mean seriously, if you're making my mother miserable enough that she's willing to leave you by yourself at Christmas, you're doing something waaaay wrong, fucker.

Bed time now. Making cookies in the morning.

Mm...cookies.

^_^

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Traffic From Hell.

So here I sit; in the TV while Mom talks to my uncle Michael on Skype and here I wait; for my boyfriend to return home from work. I am currently excited to talk to him and have decided while I talk to him tonight I shall wrap my parents' presents in hopes that it'll keep me awake and perpetually happy and non irritated. I've been having a problem with being uber irritated and it's really...erm...irritating me. Alas, the reasoning I believe behind it is because I've been carrying a nasty virus that's been beating my immune system down to mush which has finally erupted into a nasty cough complete with green stuff from both nostrils and mouth (Oh I know, over share in the extreme) ((I also know I worded a part of that sentence strangely. I blame it on people talking in the background and disrupting my train of though)).

Today I got up, went with Mom to pick up her glasses, ate egg rolls at the movie theater while watching New Moon with Mom once again (Was very good by the way, both egg rolls and the movie), then we went to Barnes and Nobles so I could pick up Dad's other Christmas present, then went home to pee then back out again to go and get Scottie's (Uncle's girlfriend) her Christmas present and ended up buying me a knee length gray sweater that was way on sale and that I was in love with. We then went to the Mongolian Grill for dindin, followed by the grocery store and then home where I stuffed the rest of my left over dindin down my throat, hid Dad's other, other Christmas present (District 9) and came upstairs to see what was going on in the world of online.

Now here I sit...having typed out my day, and am waiting.

I think I'll go and play Guitar Hero.

Coughs, Books, and Cream Puffs...Oh my.

I decided when I woke up this morning (after passing out on Smokey once again, for the millionth time this year) that I was going to take a book to work with me.

So after I got out of the shower, I was looking through my books (having only two new ones that I haven't read and didn't want to take to work because I don't want them to get ruined) and couldn't decide which I wanted to throw myself into. So what did I pick? Naked in Death, the first book to the In Death series by J.D. Robb aka; Nora Roberts. It was of course as wonderful as it was the first time I wrote it there was just one problem; Roarke.

How is that gorgeous, fine as hell, sexy, masculine, temper having, pushy, slightly Irish lilted man a problem you ask?

Because he's not real! And that's what I want!! If any writer in the world nailed down my perfect man, it was Nora Roberts with the more than dashing Roarke.

I read the whole book while I was there and I think I'm going to start on the next book tonight. Can't get enough of him...

So I come home from working looking forward to having white chicken chili for dindin since I didn't get any yesterday because I worked so late and didn't feel like driving home in the sleet and of course, there was less than a half a cup left in the container. I mean really? Wtf. So I shrug it off and think that I'll have one of MY croissants (there weresix big ones by the way) with the little bit of chili and make a meal out of it. I round the corner and OF COURSE they're all gone.

Fuck it. I say. And grab a box of frozen cream puffs and march up stairs. I'll just eat this for dinner since you fuckers don't know how to be considerate at all! And by you I totally mean my father who stood behind me for a good ten minutes to see if he wanted what I was thinking about having to eat. But I didn't have anything good, because you ATE IT ALL! Fucker...

So here I sit, waiting for them to thaw and wishing that I didn't bite into that frozen one because my teeth are making me cringe now.

I plan on writing tomorrow and the next day while I'm off, as well as wrapping my mothers' presents and picking up Dad's other present (even though he CONSTANTLY eats my food so he doesn't deserve anything). I plan on working on Nameless book thingy, doubtfully TDBLAD because I'm still a bit burnt out on it (Hey...it's 1/3 the way done! I'm not doing so bad) and working on Hakushin because I have great ideas...and no will to write.

Sigh.

My nostrils are running, probably from that weird ass cold that's be plaguing me with weird feelings of sickness and that just now decided to show itself in the form of a runny nostril and a chest rattling cough of doom. At least I think that means it's on its way out...

Speaking of being on its way out...I'm away, laughing on a fast camel.

Babbling Gets Me Nowhere...

I've been thinking about so many things in the past two days it's really amazing that I can function at all. The strangest thing about it is that when I have time to think, like I did for nine hours in the Garden Center at work looking at the snow today, nothing came to mind; I couldn't even manage to daydream. I'm sick, I know that much. With what? Who knows, but Mom has the same thing, same weird off the wall symptoms; some sort of mild but very annoying cold, oh well. I also know what I want out of life...I've known for a very long time what I want out of this life.

Hello, my name is Makino Tsukushi, I'm 22 years old and a college flunk out, my boyfriend isn't Domyouji Tsukasa but his parents seem to think he is. If he continues this "disappointing" life he's leading they're going to disinherit him. If he continues to live in the past, I'm going to end up alone. Things aren't always happy, they're not always great but I can say that if you don't like where you are in time, you can change it. If you're not changing it then you must not mind what's happening to you currently that much, must not want what's in the future to be what is in your present. I'll give you this, I'm a fighter, I fight for what I want; I leave home the day after I turn 18 even with the threat of going to jail, being alone and moneyless in a strange place because I know what I wanted, and what was worth it, throwing your everything into.

I know you're not me, but do you see where it's hard for me to sit by and do nothing? There are things in life people have control over, and things people don't. I don't have control over your actions, I only have control over my own; and where I want to take over your body and say all of the things you can say to me, to them, I can't. So I have to sit by and listen to you tell them to me, then watch back down to those people. Those people who aren't even worth me spitting at. I'm sorry that they're your parents, and I know you love them, but people who treat you like they do are monsters. They're monsters in human form. I wonder how you can be raised by people like them and end up as wonderful as you are. Shake your head all you want to, if there wasn't something amazing about you, I wouldn't be with you, I wouldn't go through this stress and heartache, and I wouldn't have given you the time of day.

I fear. I fear that this will go nowhere. This isn't old news...just useless fears. If it happens it'll happen, if not then it won't. What can I do? I want to say that I'm tired of waiting, but I'm not, I often feel numb about it. I know that if I think about it, I'll get excited because I'll have a real life boyfriend who isn't hundreds of miles away, who I can go on dates with and take to special places that I find. If I get excited about that my heart will hurt and I'll turn bitter when I see other people walking by holding hands. I'll also be disappointed in the end, won't I? I'm asking that question, and you'll tell me no, of course not...but right now I can't even imagine seeing you standing in front of me again.

You don't want to waste 23 years, you don't want to lose connection with your family like that, because if you leave to come and live with me you'll have nothing from that 23 years. You told that to me...

My automatic response to that statement was to feel sick to my stomach.

"What did I get myself into?"

"A waste? Spending your life with me, the person you say life isn't worth living without, and all you can say is you don't want to waste 23 years?"

"Was that a selfish thought from me? I would throw away everything for the person I love, but most people aren't me."

"...it'll never change, their hate for me will never change, and he doesn't want to waste his 23 years. Break it off now...you're wasting your own months thinking this will work."

"I'm not worth it."

Smokey had a much better reaction...

"How is it wasting 23 years? His parents are the one(s) wasting his life and ruining a chance to have a decent with him in the future. He needs to man up and realize if he never takes this chance, he'll be single, miserable, and still living with his parents at age 30."

Her statement is not only true, it hits just the right way I think.

Do something, you have the chance, people who will support you, who won't tell you how much of a disappointment you are everyday, who will love you unconditionally and who is willing to drive the 11 hours, pick your ass up and give you a place to sleep until we can get a place of our own! What else do you need?!

...honestly, why is it not enough? Why am I not enough?

Irony plays havoc on ones brain and heart. The last question...I've felt like I've asked this before, to another guy, after a rant. It's sad...that I feel like I need to ask that question, it's sad that I did.

You already went to bed tonight, you e-mailed me at like 8:3opm...so you had to be home. You didn't get online until 11pm, then decided thirty minutes later, after hardly even talking you wanted to go to bed. That's fine, but please don't tell me you want to talk to me, then wait so long to get online just to go to bed...I really could have used talking to you.

I could use that a lot, but something always happens on your end, and my crap just doesn't seem worth dumping on someone else.

I do that a lot too...most of the time actually. Keep things to myself because I don't want to dump it on others, and so far, nothing has happened that makes me want to change the fact that I do it. You can't handle your own issues, I'm not going to give you mine as well.

Sorry, but I can't see a point.

I've gotten to the point when I'm upset about something I don't want to talk to Jared, I want to talk to you. The problem with that is, is that we can only talk online, at night I guess since you're hardly ever on before 9pm without specific instructions, and by then I'm so frustrated with myself for thinking I could talk to you and use you as a soundboard just to get things off of my chest that I just don't want to talk at all. Or you'll be on, and something will be up with you. I don't mind that...I'd rather know how you're doing anyway.

This is babbling, the horrible kind where I'm pretty sure I've made a hypocritical statement somewhere in here, if not four or so...

This is the point of this journal though, to vent and babble so I won't keep it bottled up and just be an irritated bitch all of the time. A pretty good plan I think; need to stick to it more often.

I have a horrible shift at work tomorrow...so don't want to go in. I would call in if it wasn't for the fact my parents will be home before I'm supposed to be home and then I'd have to tell them I'm skipping work and deal with that and just....urgh...

I'm sure I had more things to say, but I'm getting tired, and I've been typing for a while.

I love you, and want to talk to you...but you're not here, so I'll just do what I always do when I'm alone; get lost in my imagination and hope by the time I come back to reality I'm either asleep or happy.

Today...

Today I have spent most of the morning with my best friend, until our roles were reversed and she passed out on me for once.

I also had one of those days, a good day besides the fact that I started my monthly curse and have been cramping for a good two hours now.

I realized that I really have a great boyfriend.

I hope he knows that no matter how mean or bitchy I am.

Now, off to decorate my room with Christmas stuff and to do laundry!!

P.S. Did I get any real sleep last night? Hm...

Urgh...really?

Naturally, being me, I haven't updated this in a while. I've wanted too, I've started too but then something shiny caught my attention and I was pulled away.

Not a whole lot of different has happened in...

Oh shiny.

Life...

I slept without knowing I was asleep. At some point in time, I moved from my spot on the floor, hands on the laptop keyboard, to the bed, snuggled into the covers and breathing softly.

What did I dream about?

In the morning Mom woke me up, and sunlight streamed through the window and I stretched, sleepy eyed and disoriented.

"Are you going to go and get coffee with us?" She asked as she set down a bag. I nodded and she asked me if I was okay, I nodded again and flopped back onto the pillows, sighing in a satisfied way as there was so much softness I didn't even bounce. She laughed and I shifted uncomfortably then leapt up with a noise.

"I have to pee!" I announced as I ran out of the room and to the bathroom.

Thirty minutes, and having to use men's shampoo later, I emerged from the steam filled bathroom and moved into the bed room.

"Is everyone going?" I heard Pa ask while someone mummbled a conformation. Uncle Michael, Uncle John and Pa would go on ahead in the car while Mom, Granny-Anne and I would follow in the SUV.

"I'll be just a second." I told Mom as I shut the bedroom door.

"Okay hun, you know it's Pa's Birthday today so..." I felt my heartbeat pound uncomfortably, and the rest of her sentence was lost in a strange buzzing noise.

I looked at myself in the mirror. 'That's right, Grandma Sibyl, his mother died two days before Pa's birthday...' I thought as I ran a brush through my wet tangled hair. 'His Dad died two days after.' I felt slightly ill as I turned and got dressed for the day and walked out into the hallway.

"Ready?" Mom asked and I nodded as she looked me over. "You look cute." She commented as I followed her through the hallway and into the living room then the kitchen where my Grandmother waited.

"Coffee time!" Granny-Anne chimed with her forever heart warming smile.


We stood outside of the coffee shop where we managed to get six large cups of coffee in mulitple types and flavors with multiple shots for $16. The town was alive with locals as we chatted on the sidewalk. I looked around and smiled, this was home for me, this town that's so alive with color with people and with music and art. Pa told stories of his mother as the family laughed and smiled and I found myself becoming uncomfortable as an anxiety attack clawed it's way to the surface. I shifted then acted like I finished my coffee and walked down the sidewalk a ways to the trash can. As I walked back I heard my Uncle John laugh and we all turned.

Traveling on the road was an extremely old lawn mower with it's owner who looked just as old wearing overalls and raising a hand to us in greeting as he passed by. I laughed in good humor then smiled and tilted my head back to look at the mountains.

This was home.

So much life, so many friendly people who wave and smile. Jesus Christ, how could I have ever wanted to leave this place?

When you can drive up a road, close your eyes and breathe in the air and just know, feel you're home and feel how much magic (yes, I said something cheesy as magic) swirls around and fills you, you have something that you should always hope to keep.

Something you'll never lose.

My family is something I've never seen before.

We can be angry at each other, not speak to each other, call each other names or just not see each other for so long then when we need family, when we need each other we all go to the mountain and come together with as strong of a bond as ever.

I don't know anyone with a family like mine, which makes me feel sad, because it's amazing.

Life is...short, someone said, very short but when you have things that can just make you feel alive then it's so worth it, even if it's rare or far in between.

Ah...so cheesy. I'm done now...that was my bit of thought, if it was a thought or thoughts...or...

Discomfort.

Today was...

Goodbye.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, so I'll do so now.

Thank you, for spending time with me, for letting me sleep over at your house and for feeding me breakfast by cooking eggs in the microwave so many times.

I enjoyed our walks down to the mail box, coming to get you for dinner or for lunch and sitting on your porch while you would hand me candies.

I'll miss your laugh, your smile and how you smelled.

I know there is so many more things for me to remember, but right now it's a bit hard to think past all of the tears.

You were loved by so many people, you touched the lives of so many people I could only ever dream about reaching your level of kindness and charity.

Everyone has regrets Grandma Sibyl, my regret is that I didn't take advantage of you even more when I was a child.

Take care of Max for me, it'll still be a while before I join you.

I love you, more than you could imagine.

15 Minute Challenge.

So Keith and I have been doing this fifteen minute writing challenge where we give each other a setting and a color that we have to incorporate into something that we write. This is the first one I've been able to complete...and it's pretty gross. ^^

Setting:America Color:HoneyDew Green.

"It’s a duck."
"No it’s not, it’s like that thing they stuck up your whatsit when you have to go to the doctor from hell."
"Like I said, it’s a duck." We watched as the white cloud passed over.
"We should do something." I looked over at her and shrugged then sneezed as a particular evil piece of grass stuck itself up my left nostril.
"Bless you."
"Fucking nature." I grumbled and rolled over onto my stomach so that my side bumped up against her arm.
"Don’t blame the grass, it was there first."
"I hope it likes being covered in snot." I looked down at it in disdain and her musical laugher made me smile as I continued to glare at the offending blade. "Let’s see you photosynthesize now bitch."
"You are so not right." She rolled onto her side, facing towards me then looked at the grass her laughter making her shoulders shake. "You just added to the scenery, more green."
"Honey Dew green." I corrected and she laughed again.
"Honey Dew green?"
"Oh yes, that’s right." I nodded.
"Your snot is colored like the melon?" I looked back at her face, pretty hazel eyes starting at me as she struggled to control a giggling fit. "I like honey-dew, those are tasty."
"Well don’t eat that blade of grass. It might look like the melon now, but I don’t think your digestive system could handle it." I patted her head and stood while she howled with laughter once again. I stretched then held out a hand for her. "Let’s go and get a hotdog." Her fingers closed around the back of my hand and I pulled her to her feet, slinging my arm around her shoulders in a friendly way.
"As long as it’s not green." She giggled and my laughter filled up the yard as we walked to the house.

Relief...

You have no idea how much better I feel.

You said you were going to do it and goddamn it you did, and that instills so much more trust into your word than you can even know.

Keep that in mind for when you tell me you're going to do something again and I'm sure we'll go far.

Ichigo Ichie, right?

Furious.

I'm so angry I'm shaking.

I have cold chills.

My stomach is rolling like I'm on a rollar coaster from hell.

I have so much adrinaline coursing through me that I could probably kill someone without much intended force behind it.

I haven't been this angry since I've been with Jared or since Dad tried to hit me.

This is a dangerous line, and you have no idea how close you are to falling over the edge.

You are warned; and your inabilites to do the things you say you will are one step closer from bringing things to a new level of hardships between us.

The fact that I have to push you or ask you questions in order to get things done every fucking time something goes wrong is starting to wear thin on me.

This is wearing very thin.

I don't want a fucking child to babysit, or another stupid fucking man who doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground, or a fucked up boyfriend who will let his family walk all over our relationship.

I AM DONE WITH THOSE TYPES OF THINGS.

If you don't think I'm serious by now then keep pushing your luck.

My forgiveness is going to be quick to wear out.

I'm fucking tired of repeating myself, of being the one who has to step up and fix things where it should be you that does it, who jumps onto what needs to be fixed since you love me so goddamn much.

Everyday I deal with things like this, or see people deal with things like that and everyday my hopes in "love" being enough fall a little more.

I'm tired of this shit.

I'm absolutely furious.

Past Things...

I am still bothered by the past.

I take time out of my day, to check on things that I know I can no longer see, or that I no longer am involved in, for what?

Why do I torture myself?

I want to know how you're doing...I want to see what new things you have discovered, even if it is your creepy dolls, and I want to be someone who gets to read your rantings...

But I'm no longer a friend.

I wonder why that still angers me so much. I wonder why I am so pissed of that someone can decide something like that an go on like it's nothing.

I'm nothing, I know.

I'll always be nothing, mean nothing, no matter how I try I will remain nothing. To you...at least.

And then here I am, excited all by myself of getting to talk to you again, you who isn't the same as her. Then you dissapear...only speak to me once more.

Is it because I moved on? Is it because I'll admit that I love you, but that I'm no longer in love with you?

You missed your chance, you broke my heart, you had time to think and to do and to act and I had time to morn. It took too long to pull myself back together and for some goddamn reason I was more than willing to put myself back into that same position.

Now it's different. Now I have him. But I want you, I want to be friends with you and know that you're okay, and that you're not going after bimbos or that your best friend isn't stealing the girls that you like again.

I'm too scared to ask though...either of you, because I think to both I mean nothing now.

I wish I were like that, that people could just mean nothing to me after a while.

If you died, I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

If you died I think my heart would break all over again.

Why?

You don't care the same, you don't feel the same, I probably don't exsist to you anymore.

And then there is her, I thought we'd never speak again.

I thought it was over forever, and I said I was glad that it was...

I'm happy to have you back, even if we are just each others entertainment.

There are others, who seem to stick around no matter what, those are my true friends. The ones I can talk to out of the blue and who won't get angry for me being so flakey and never calling them when I say I will and who seem to understand me like it's effortless or know just what I need on a shitty day.

Most of all, there is the boy...who sucks worse than the people who ignore me now, sometimes but who still gets things the same way the true friends do, even if half of his guesses are wrong.

Anyone who can put up with me like you do, even when I know I'm being batshit crazy enough to put down is someone who's fucking amazing.

That is all.

More Random Writings...Let's See Where This Takes US; FYI The Formatting is Still Fucked.

"Do you think it makes a fucking difference!?" He roared, tightening his fingers on her upper arms so that he could see the flinch of pain cross her face. He shook her once, hard and watched the color drain from her cheeks as her soft lips parted to let the air in and out of her lungs faster to keep up with her quickly beating heart. "Do you think anything you can do or say will make a goddamn difference?" He threw her hard onto the bed, watched her slender body bounce once then curl up into a protective ball.

Rowan curled her fingers into the silky sheets of the bed, her heart beat pounding in her ears as her lungs burned painfully, on the line of hyperventilating. She flinched as he stepped forward then scrambled up towards the head board as one of the wooden bed posts splintered then cracked in half loudly from the pressure of his squeezing hand. He felt the violence rush through him, felt it heat his blood, felt it move off of him in smooth waves and smelled the reaction she was having from it. He let his head fall back and he breathed in deeply, her scent, the scent of her blood made the animal inside of him snarl and lash against the chains he so desperately contained it with.

"Those dreams," He began, his voice treacherously soft despite the fury swirling in his golden, soulless eyes. "Do you think they are going to save you?" He stepped forward again, until his thighs pressed against the side of the bed and he watched her as she pressed her back against the smooth head board, as far away from him as she could get. "Answer me!" He snapped, and the command echoed through the room, leaving the hair on her arms and on the back of her neck standing on end.

"I..." She choked out, the hysterical fear moving inside of her trying to force itself out through her lips. "I...!" She squeezed her eyes shut as her fingers groped along the bed until they closed around the cord of the single lamp that lit the room from the bedside table and then silence filled her head. She could no longer hear the beating of her heart, the harshness of her breathing, she could see him laughing, but heard no sound from him as a high pitched ringing began to fill her ears.

His laugh was harsh, amused at the fear that tainted her voice, even more so at the fact that she was unable to form a full sentence from it. Her eyes opened then, determined emerald locked onto his cold golden ones and for a moment he was taken aback.

Where was the fear?

"I don't need to be saved!" She snarled at him and jerked the cord, pulling the lamp into her hand and hurled it at him with all of her strength. She watched him raise his arms just in time as the china shattered against the steel of his muscles the light bulb being crushed against the shade with a loud pop as the room went dark. Rowan heard his furious curse, ignored it as her feet hit the wooden floor and she was running to the door as fast as she could. The light from the hallway was her only indication of her direction and when it went out she felt her heart freeze in her chest as she tried to stop.

She ran into him hard, knocking the breath from her lungs and tearing a terrified scream from her throat before a pained one followed after it quickly. He tangled his hand hard into her thick hair, jerked her head back and sunk his fangs into her neck with one harsh bite.

Rowan felt her knees buckle, damned the soild arm around her waist that held her up and as he consumed her, so did the darkness.

Now...Writing Time! EDIT:Format Sucks.

She sat at the window, temple pressed against the cold glass as snowflakes often interrupted her line of vision. Her emerald gaze remained locked on the fire blazing just beyond the tree line, and her brows seemed permanently creased in wonder. She vaguely registered hearing her mother down in the kitchen, closing a cabinet door, the soft clinking of glass bumping against one another but was focused on the roar she swore she could hear from the orange flickering light.
The sun was slowly setting, the moon rising as if being pulled by the hot ball of light and the snow that covered the ground seemed to sparkle, lighting up the trees just beyond the fire. She felt as if she should be at peace, with the soft white light surrounding the window; instead chaos consumed her as the flames spread further, melting the snow and burning everything in its furious path.

"Rowan! Go outside and get your father for dinner!" She turned away from the window then, felt her cold temple and cheek warm then shuddered at the thought of feeling the rest of her body drop to that temperature. "Rowan?" Her mother called to her again and she cleared her throat before yelling back down the stairs.

"I heard you, I just need to put on some shoes!" She grabbed her boots then muttered, "And about forty pounds to be able to survive out in the freaking sub zero winter weather." It was a struggle to tie up her boots as she fought to lean over, her extra two sweat shirts, her winter jacket and two scarves serving well to make her look at least forty pounds heavier. "Should have put the boots on first." She grumbled as she clunked her way down the dark wooden stares and down into the foyer.

Her mother leaned out of the kitchen, looked her over then grinned and for a moment Rowan felt like she was looking in a mirror. "You're going to be outside for a whole two minutes." She laughed and shook her head, disappearing once again behind the kitchen wall.

"Lesser men have died in one!" Rowan called after her then puffed up her cheeks, clunking her way to the door. She pulled her thick gloves from one of her many pockets, put them on and closed her hand around the door knob and twisted. The smooth metal refused to budge as her hand slipped around it like it was made of wet soap. "Oh come on!" She kicked at the base of the door, ill tempered and jerked a glove off of her hand then jerked the door open.
The cold blast of air that hit her face took her breath away for a moment and she felt her bones shiver under her skin.

"Oh, jeez." She groped behind her head, closed her fingers around her hood and jerked it over her dark brown hair and half way down her nose then scrambled to put her glove back on. "Unnatural..." She muttered as she carefully stepped down the icy steps, clinging to the rail next to her. "Stupid ice..." She grumbled as she stepped to the side, off of the ice covered walk way and into the soft crunch of the snow. "Too cold to even make a snow man." She grumped as she slowly made her way to the line of trees. From under the edge of her hood she could see the light of the fire flickering eerily across the snow and she felt her heart squeeze as she made her way closer to the tall flames.

"Dad?" She saw her breath freeze as she called out to him, and jumped as something cracked loudly and crashed into the fire, sending sparks into the air. "Get a grip, it's fire, it's not like it's going to reach out and grab you." She scolded herself then rolled her shoulders, moving into the tree line. "Besides, it's warm..." She edged her way around the pile of burning wood and felt herself start to sweat from the heat of it. "Dad?" She called again and pushed her hood up a bit, to be able to see more in front of her. The light of the fire washed over the ground, over the trees and the snow covered rocks and to the work shed her father spent so much time in, creating things. She shifted, squinted then her eyes went wide, her pupils dilated and her breath rushed from her lungs in the sound of a strangled cry.

Fire light danced playfully over his body, pinned to the shed by pieces of wood. The blood that had run down the dark wooden wall of the work shed was now frozen in crimson crystalline trails. She felt the blood rush from her face, from her limbs, felt the energy leak from her legs as her knees buckled and the ground rushed up to smash into them, softened barely by the snow. Her eyes stared unblinking at his form, pierced by wood through his chest, arms, neck and thighs. His mouth was hanging open, jaw slack, saliva frozen on his chin, swirled with blood. His eyes were open, the green now frosty white. She felt the bile rise up, she felt the hysteria follow behind it, and as she retched and screamed and sobs his frozen eyes turned to her, his head tilting and his jaw cracking loudly, like ice breaking as his voice whispered out.

"You killed me."



"No!" Rowan roared as she sat up in bed, tears streaming down her face and hair flying around her wildly. She looked around, saw her temporary bedroom come into perspective and she scrambled out of bed and ran to the bathroom where she emptied the contents of her stomach into the toilet, coughing violently.

Slowly the room stopped spinning, her stomach stopped churning and she could breathe again.

"Goddamn it." She sat back against the cool wall, shivered at the feeling then relaxed. "Fuck." She pushed a shaking hand through her hair then her shoulders shook, and she tilted her head back and laughed. Rowan laughed until her sides hurt, until she couldn't breathe and until she fell over on the floor, her nose nearly bumping a bare foot covered by black baggy sweatpants.
She shifted, rolled over onto her back, mindless of her nightshirt riding up dangerously high on her thighs and met curious blue eyes.

"I heard you scream," His voice sent a shiver of delight down her spine and she watched him, no longer laughing. "I figured you had a nightmare again." He crouched down and grabbed her under the arms, hauling her up to sitting once again. She felt like she was a child, and decided to sulk like one.

"So sorry for disturbing your peace." Her chin jut out and he sat down slowly on the floor next to her.

"Did I say anything like that?" He let the annoyance show on his face.

"No, but..."

"Have I ever said anything like that?" He watched her brows pull together and was happy to see that the color was slowly returning to her cheeks; it must have been horrible.

"No you haven't, but..."

"Then why do you do that?" He resisted the urge to lay his hand on hers.

"Do what?" She watched his handsome face, saw the concern there and felt a glow start in her chest.

"Assume you know what I'm going to say, or what I'm thinking."

"You do it to me all of the time." She scowled at him.

"Yes, but I'm always right." Her scowl grew, and she squashed the small glow in her chest, putting it out.

"You're an asshole."

"That's Mr. Asshole to you." He gave her an even stare, and his face was composed, showing nothing of his thoughts; it was business like. Rowan felt the embarrassment start to crawl up her back, she had just called her boss an asshole, the man who was protecting her, an asshole.

Her mumbled apology made him want to grin.

"Regardless of what you were thinking, I'm sorry for disturbing your peace. It was just a bad dream." She tried to stop the shiver from rocking her body and failed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" The kindness in his voice made her stomach clench and she turned her face away from his.

"No," She shrugged gently then stood. "For once, it was just a dream. It wasn't something that actually happened, or that can happen."

He watched her walk out of the bathroom then looked at the floor, relieved.

Society Loves Liars.

Smile, be polite, ask "How are you doing today?" and no matter what type of response they give you, if it involves "...how are you?" don't say how you're actually doing.

I mean, a customer doesn't want to know that your dog just died, that you have a growth on the back of your left ankle that you really need to get checked, and employees are the same way.

Being polite often times=lie.

Isn't it just easier to lie and cover the truth? Often times it seems easier than to solve problems between people, or for yourself.

How are you doing today?

Well, I felt overly tired this morning even though I went to bed at a decent time, I drove to work and futilely called my boyfriend who, like normal, didn't answer; though he did manage to call me back as I was shoving my phone in my locker, I failed to answer.

Soon after I felt sick, ran two the bathroom twice to empty the contents of my stomach that just so happens were already empty since I woke up fifteen minutes late and there was nothing I could take for breakfast on the road.

I got a break, I ate something that wasn't on my diet and felt a bit better, went back to work, managed to keep it down, went to lunch, ate the same thing and 800 out of 1200 calories later I was back at work where I stayed in returns until it was time for me to leave.

I seriously think it was the longest six hours of my life.

Came home, sat on the couch and fell asleep for a whole ten minutes after being licked to near death by the gremlin that is my dog and then played scrabble for hours with my parents while eating an egg salad sandwich that I fear isn't going to go over well with my currently very sensitive stomach.

These are the times I'm glad that I don't live with roommates/boyfriend.

Met a new guy at work, his name is Michael, he's 27, 6'5, and he likes hitting on me for fun to see what colors my face turns.

His line from today was, when I teased him and told him to stop teasing me, fraternizing wasn't allowed and he got real close and leaned down and whispered "Well darlin', what I want to do with you is a bit beyond fraternizing, it's starts with an 'f' too though." then winked and walked off while I tried to control the color of my face.

Everytime he passes by me, he does something goofy and by the end of the day I found myself start to smile even before he said anything. He's fond of using my head as an arm rest as well. I'm glad I found another person to joke around with at work.

I'm currently stalling on writing things for my book...I think I'm lazy, as a matter of fact, I'm so lazy I don't think I want to sit up and be on the computer tonight which means my talking with Keith'll be limited since he's too chicken to call me at an AM past 12 for fear of his mother bitching or doing something of the sort I suppose.

I'm not becomming bitter at all, am I?

I wore a hat today at work, not sure why but it was nice to not have the light in my eyes all day even if I did look dorky.

Tomorrow I work a stupid mid-shift again, but then I get to be off on Friday, that's exciting anyways. But on Saturday...urgh...I have to get up at six am to open, but at night I'm going to a garden wedding with my mother which should be wicked fun. Hm...what to wear.

Oooh, the hottie Aaron is going to be there I hope!

I think this post is all over the place...

If you like soundtrack/background music, check out the group Two Steps From Hell's songs Freedom Fighter, Equus, and Calamity. They're neat.

Well, I suppose I'll attempt to call Keith one more time before giving up on him for the night then going to lay down in my nice and squishy bed.

At This Very Moment...

I am so very content.

Today I was awakened by the not so soft ring of my phone, when I rolled over to grab it, it was my father informing me that he was getting ready to get into the shower and for me to get up so we can go and eat lunch and see a movie.

We unfortunately had a miscommunication about what time the movie started so we left too early but ended up blowing time by going to Half Price Books, where I spend twenty dollars on four manga (Fruits Baskets 1-3 and Tramps Like Us 2) and two movies (Spriggan and Golden Eye) while he spent his time drooling over the vinyl records and the marked down history books.

He was in a good mood all through lunch (Which we ate at Subway and thanks to my crash course diet I ate Wheat bread...wasn't TOO bad.), and when we saw District 9 (Fucking fantastic movie, by the way) he liked it so much he was practically bouncing as he walked.

We then met up with Mom at this wonderful little restaurant called Cosi and had dinner (I ate once again according to my diet. I'm so proud of myself T_T). Dad wanted to go back to half price books to see if there was a movie he could find that he wanted to watch at work tonight and ended up buying the new King Kong while I browsed once again finding seven more manga (Fruits Baskets 5,6, 14, 15, Demon Diary ((Yay for yaoi!)) 1 &2 and Kaikan Phrase 1) and two journals which I promptly bought for another twenty dollars. I was in heaven, and all of the manga was nearly mint condition.

We then went home where Mom and Dad are taking a nap and where I just finished reorganizing my bookshelf to make room for my 11 new manga.

One of the best parts is, is that for once I don't have buyers remorse for buying all of that manga which is usually ten dollars and change which would have make it over $110 because I bought them all plus two movies and two journals for a little over forty bucks.

I am a great shopper!

I want to go shopping there again!

Half Off Books is my new love, especially when they have decent and decently kept up books.

Now I'm just waiting for the boyfriend to make a grand entrance so we can start our date night!

Hm...I wonder if I can convince him to watch more Hana Yori Dango (Live Action Drama) with me.

^^V

No Go.

So, we're not having our normal date night tonight...he's sick and exhausted so he's sleeping.

I'm...surprisingly incredibly disappointed about it, it's not his fault, but I haven't talked to him a whole lot the last few days and was looking forward to tonight...

Oh well...

There's always next week.

So he'll rest and get better and then things'll be back to normal, I can deal with that.

But...

SQUEE!!!

Samantha's coming to see me!!!!!!!!! She's my bestest friend ever from high school and she's back in the states and is coming to seeeeeee me!!!

SO FUCKING EXCITED!

A Work In Progress...

In high school I met this guy. He would have been someone for my mother to drool over if she were my age, sandy hair, blue eyes, dressed like a geek from another planet. He was a great student, a good kid all around, never stepped out of the box in the public eye, or even at home. He was an average Joe.

Apparently I met him at a party of a mutual friend, and when I say party, I mean birthday party full of snacks and watching her favorite anime. Her name was Abigail and she was one of the most magnetically attractive people that I had ever met. Her personality was sparkling and she was gracious and loving to everyone she met; I guess she had attracted him as well.

I don't remember a lot about that night (my brain tends to block memories of the good quality) but the parts I do remember were me being my dorky self, and also being the type of person who would rather be one on one with someone instead of being in a group so I asked him if he wanted to go outside with me. I vaguely remember sitting on the curb and talking, but I don't know about what. And I remember sitting in his SUV listening to music, and being pretty sure he was showing off, but I don't remember the music. And I remember hopping around on the grass and 'killing' it then he would 'bring it back to life'; I remember his smile and I remember my thoughts of 'this guy needs help with something'.

I think I was sixteen when we met, and that was the year I had looked my best, and that was the year before I had decided to leave to go and live with Jared.

We met again at the homecoming dance. I had cut my hair at some point in time, and there was a fading red streak in the front of it that just happened to match my outfit. If I didn't stand out enough in high school for being one of the tallest women, and the one known for being slightly scary and the leader of the 'outcast' group I most certainly made an impression then. I wore a kimono, and even though when I got there, and I felt all sorts of foolish for being the only one not in a skimpy dress I was still myself. Many of the teachers there commented and I'm sure later laughed about it together later but I wasn't there to fit in.

I think I danced for maybe a total of thirty minutes, and were there for a few hours at best. I remember meeting him again, in the cafeteria I think, and remembering his face, then I remember sitting on a bench near the doors leading out to the weight room and track and talking. I can remember the color of the lights on his face, and I can remember talking about Jared a bit as I was prone to do but I don't remember the rest of our conversation. At some point in time we got up and did a walk of the caff, and I saw a lot of my friends whole I greeted with bubbly enthusiasm and then the rest of the night is blank in my head.

I couldn't tell you when we met again, but I can tell you that we met often, and I enjoyed being with him more than he could imagine.

It was well known that he had a rather large crush on me, but I was never romantically interested, and most of the time I was giving him a hard time about not living his own life, and not going out and having fun.

There was something about him that reminded me of my other friends that I had acquired in high school. He needed help, and I was hell bent to help him. He needed to be let out of his restricting box, he had a light in him that was completely smothered by his parents, and by himself, and the person he showed everyone everyday wasn't who he was in the inside.

I argued with him every time he said he had to leave, he would say 'I don't have a choice.' or 'I can't stay, I have to go.' in which every time I would angrily respond that 'everyone has a choice, always, don't say you can't do something when you can make the choice to stay with me. To have fun and live.' In the end, he always left and I was always angry. At him, at myself for asking him to stay when I knew he wouldn't, for making the things I remembered the most the things that meant the least to me.

His parents hated me, they met me for a total of three minutes the first time we met, and right off the bat you could see that they loathed me. That made things harder than they had to be. If he told them he was with me, they'd be angry at him for making poor decisions, if he lied to them and told them he was with someone else he'd spend his time thinking of them finding out.

To take his mind off of my unavailable self I tried to set him up with as many girls as I knew. There was Freidi, a German exchange student who gave me the dragon on the necklace I wear all of the time; I think if she could have stayed, they would be getting married today. They were perfect for each other, both smart and good looking, and she had a warm glow about her always. Then there was Andrea, who I'm glad he never hit it off with, she was too young and oddly mature at the same time and there is no way he would have been able to handle her. At some point in time it was Kassie, who he never went for, then there was Samantha who was going to go to prom with him but ditched him for Brad who used to be Andrea's boyfriend, and Andrea ended up being his date (That's a story for another day). The last one I tried to set him up with was someone he hadn't met in person, that was a mistake for many reasons. She was too strong for him, he wasn't brave enough to be able to go and see her or call her or anything, and that was the first real crack in our friendship whether he noticed it or not.

I was jealous, but I'm unsure why. I think it was because he was my friend first, and now that he was claiming he loved her and whatnot he kept pushing me farther and farther away. Her relationship and mine stayed the same for the most part (but this story isn't about her). By then I think I was living with Jared, so I wouldn't see him anyway, being seven states away.

At some point in time we kind of stopped talking, I'm sure we talked once in a while in between things, but between his first relationship in college before the last girl I set him up with and him always talking about his relationship, then with various other things that happened in his life we lost touch. I didn't try to talk to him, and he didn't try to talk to me. His parents got their wish.

I guess about a year later, I had talked to him off and on and we talked quite a bit again, I told him he should come and visit me at my apartment. Jared and I were over, and I was still grieving for that fact. I was living alone and I spent my days going to work at McDonald's and my nights going to school. I made no friends outside of work, and every weekend I had off I went to my grandparents house.

He came to my apartment three times, the thing I remember most about those visits was it being pitch black, and I had gone out and bought glow sticks. We were wearing them and dancing around like idiots, laughing and having a great time. I also remember being in the bathroom with him, his hands on me pushing me back against the wall and his mouth on mine as his hands roamed where ever I'd let them.

I cried. I cried because it wasn't Jared, and I cried because I wanted it to be Jared and that was a shitty thing to do to my friend. Though he was male and I'm sure at the time he wouldn't have minded my reasoning to let him live a fantasy I didn't want to hurt him that way.

We tried it again, and yet again I still couldn't get passed kissing him. It didn't feel right even though it had to of been a half a year or longer since Jared and I were through.

We had watched a movie, a hilarious movie that wasn't supposed to be that funny, I don't remember the name of it but the penis robot was too much at the end and we couldn't stop laughing and staring in horror.

At some point in time we fell out of touch again, even though I'm sure we had conversations and another visit or two in between, I can't recall them in my head.

I went to college, many miserable things happened to me, Jared asked me out again which lasted a whole two weeks. I couldn't stand the pressure I felt like I was under all of the time with him, and I do mean literal pressure. My heart hurt all of the time so I told him I couldn't do it, he agreed and we broke up mutually and evenly that time.

Meanwhile I can't say what he had been up to in college, except for making a new close friend and getting laid quite a few times I believe and then one night, not horribly long ago I saw him online, and I said hello.

We talked a lot then, and I helped save his relationship that he was having trouble with because fixing things is what I do best, and in the end, I ended that relationship myself when something inside of me clicked.

He was with the wrong woman.

I ran over it in my head again and again, what the hell was wrong with me? I didn't want him! How could I want him?! It was the dorky guy from high school, the one who was crushing on me who I had set up many times and who could never live up to my expectations because not once did he stay for me.

It didn't add up in my head and so I made a decision to go and see him before he graduated.

He thought he wasn't going to be able to see me, but he made it work somehow. It was so very awkward at first, I didn't hug him when I saw him, and I'm sure I looked oh-so-great in my travel clothes. We went to eat sushi then stashed my car at a hotel since I didn't have a visitors pass.

At some point in time it suddenly wasn't awkward anymore and I can't remember the last time I had so much fun. We goofed around and wrestled like we did in high school, played games and walked around campus and at some point I kissed him. The look on his face was so comical I can't believe I kissed him again without cracking up. He was unresponsive and having what looked to be a damn hard time processing it.

It wasn't awkward feeling, I didn't feel dirty or out of place when he kissed me back. It felt painfully right. I should have felt like a slutty little home wrecker, he had a girlfriend but I didn't fucking care, it felt right and I felt right and his hands on me felt right and I could have cried with the relief of it all. For those few days, he was mine.

Anxiety consumed me when I left, because he didn't want to leave his girlfriend, he wanted to give it a chance. I told him he had to tell her, that it was her right to know and I felt like a slimy, nasty slug. I had ruined a relationship, I had ruined some poor girls heart.

In the end, he broke up with her. We didn't start dating for a few weeks, then I decided I wanted June 1st to be the first day. Hey, easy to remember and nothing else interesting happens in June.

It's amazing, how I don't feel guilty now that I ruined their relationship. Apparently it had been on it's way out anyway...but still, doing something like that wasn't like me. But then again, maybe I'm not the same person I thought I was.

All I know is, is that when I was with him, he wasn't the same as he used to be. He basically looked the same, with his great smile and pretty blue eyes, but he dressed like a normal human and the confidence he lacked in high school was there in person, and the attraction that I never had for him was suddenly there, clinching my stomach in not so uncomfortable ways and making my heart beat faster when his fingers would tangle in my hair.

Now we're together, talking on the phone nearly every night much to his mother's extreme displeasure which she voices every now and then, but he has yet to back down and agree to her asking him to just not call me. She doesn't know we're dating, and the thought of her knowing kind of scares me. I already ruined one of his female relationship, I'd rather not ruin the one most men hold above all others.

We've already had our rough spots, it being a currently long distance relationship which I cannot stand having again, and with the fact that neither one of us can afford to go and see the other at the moment. But we're trying and I have no doubt we'll get what we want in the end. Hey, I'm Kate the Great, I can handle this, no problem.

It's a work in progress...

Whew...

Glad that I discontinued that last post. Depressed ramblings? Bah. Yeah, right. Stupid, useless emotion that it is can just kiss my ass.

*ahem* Anyways, today shall be a day of writing!

Writing what, I'm not sure...but! I shall write none the less!

As soon as I eat, go pee, and finish up the Soul Caliber III game. -coughs-

So, must get started!

Depressed Ramblings, Please Don't Pay Them Attention.

I'm losing time.

I feel like, for some weird reason, that I'm running out of time; my life's currently a waste, I'm not making an effort to better it with the exception of paying off my debt to get back into school.

I always...

No Guts, No Glory.

...more on that later.

Get off me!

That seems to be the phrase I keep repeating ever since I moved boxes from a basement that were literally covered in dead bugs. All I can say is, is at least the nasty fuckers were all dead. Alas, that didn't stop a scream of horror from ripping itself from my mouth in the form of "Jesus Christ get off of me!" when one entered my bug free personal bubble. Why yes, yes I did realize I was screaming at a carcass of a dead creature smacking against my arm via trailing spider web, and that even if it were an alive creature it wouldn't understand what I was saying.

The offending carcass of course just swung away as I sat the box down then swung back towards me in what one could call an exemplary show of defiance as I jumped back a few feet in disgust. It might be dead, but it's existance still managed to offend me even when it was incapable of crawling.

The bug crisis continued on through the moving day, and continues on until today where while standing outside of my house door waiting to be let in (Mom took my key to use it and of course forgot to give it back) a rather horrifyingly large misquito (Dear god...all of the creatures here seem abnormally large) landed on my arm, was there long enough for me to gather my wits and attempt to smack it and it of course just buzzed away. I swear, it couldn't have been on there for more than two seconds and I have a bug bite the size of a quarter.

...I am afraid to see what one can do when it actually gets its fill of my O positive goodness...


Onward to other things, my attempt to stay away from the internet has been nothing but a failure. I'm afraid it's impossible to break decade old habits.

Other failures would be keeping up with writing my book on the days I am supposed to be writing on, but have no fear, I will be playing a mass game of catch up staring tonight and moving into tomorrow and the next day since I am off.

Speaking of work, I have had two wonderful days of closing and have been bonding with my boss. She is six days older than me, skinny as a rail, and very beautiful. I call her Malibu Barbie.

She wants to go out on July 2nd to celebrate her birthday and wants me to go out as well, so we can have a celebration together. I thought that was cool coming from my boss.

More on that later.

I went to Walmart with a buddy after work and ended up picking up a Coke, Cheese Cake and Cherry sucker things to keep me awake for the work of writing ahead, I hope it works. Since I slept so late today I'm sure I'll be able to be awake tonight, if SOMEONE can manage not to distract me for the third night in a row.

We'll see...

Fragile...

I feel like I've reverted, back to being in high school, back into a screaming house full of constant anxiety but only with less friends, less chances to lock myself away into my head until I can breathe again. I try to remind myself that I'm 21, I'm an adult, I'll be 22 next month and I am not a high school kid anymore. I'm not trapped, I don't have to take the shit that is thrown at me, but somehow it still manages to sink into the hard shell I'm forcing myself to cover myself once again.

How did I stand it in high school? How did I deal with getting verbally beaten down all of the time, physically thrown down things, into things while an adult screamed horrible things at me over and over again?

I feel sick for my younger self, and I feel sick for myself now who flinches every time that bastard yells and slams something.

I think I just feel sick all around, so it's time to step back from things and get my head and heart under control for the sake of myself and others.

So! I'll be back and updating morbidly/bitchingly/whiningly like always in a few weeks!

Maybe the break from all the manga reading'll do me some good, because I'll focus on writings!

Ja-mata ne.

Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Heart...

Fuck it, it's not what I need, it isn't helping me...it isn't enough.

I refuse to not be enough...

Uwah...

-cries-Work out, please!

Sage, you idiot...

-cries more-

Hormones, you punk ass bitch...

Pointless Things, Melt Down, Heartbreak, Irritance, Uselessness, Stress, Idiocy, Anger, Hurt, Life, Dreams...and Everything In Between.

Pointless Things; Writing, Struggling to be things I'm not, fighting for things that won't happen, dreaming about things that won't happen, trying to help when I know I'm not of use, people.

Melt Down; If you're reading this, you're viewing it.

Heartbreak; I can't do anything for her, not a fucking goddamn thing and my heart is breaking for what's happening to her. Why the fuck do things have to turn out this way?

Irritance; At myself, at others, at life, at people, at the world, at idiots.

Uselessness; This post, these feelings, writing, myself, the government, the fucking world.

Stress; Self inflicted...

Idiocy; See above.

Anger; See above.

Hurt; Mostly self inflicted...

Life; Isn't supposed to be this way. I do NOT accept the way things are going, and I'll be fucking damned if I let myself fall into the same pattern as everyone else.

Dreams; Are getting me no where. Being what I want to be won't happen because dreams are childish and stupid.

Everything in Between; Isn't everything above enough?

I'm sorry I can't help, it's eating me alive from the inside out and I feel so heartsick for you.

I'm sorry I'm so fucking crazy, I tried to give you an out, you would have been smarter to take it.

I hate this.

Memories and Goals.

Now just a warning that this post might be a bit boring because it's most definitely for myself.

When I was little I always used to go to my grandparents' house during the summer and every year my Grandfather's brother would bring up his family for the 4th of July. Somehow, my memories of those times aren't all that great, but I always remember one person above everyone else, my 2nd cousin Nathan. Now when I was just a little tyker Nathan's older brother Jason, who was also one of my great loves as a child, decided to give Nate a nickname and from then on he became my Snuggle Bunny.

Snuggle Bunny, or SB for the lazy typers, is my closest cousin in age and he is 9 years older than me and he was my idol. I'd follow him around, want to do everything with him, would want to take naps with him and he was forever getting stuck as my watcher and caretaker if I went outside. My Mother and Grandmother used to laugh at how when I'd call him SB he'd give me an evil scowl but when no one was looking he was all about cuddling and loving on me.

As we got older his parents began skipping years to visit and since they lived in Florida I really never went to visit them. Then Nathan got into drugs, a serious amount of drugs, and stealing and just trouble...and it continued on through his teen years. My family tried to hide it from me of course, but kids always hear more than what they're told and my opinion of him didn't change in the least. He continued on with the drugs until his 20s and I would see him ever so often and he would try and hang out with me but it never worked out well since I was the young cousin and all of the olders always wanted to go off and do things. It was also awkward because he was at the drinking age and I was still a little kid to him so we grew a bit apart.

Then he got arrested and it scared him enough that he decided to turn his life around and was working for a Construction company that his girlfriends' Dad owned. Even though they broke up later the Dad liked him so much that he gave him a start and SB started his own construction company that did well for quite a while. Then something happened and Nathan started drinking...and then he got lazy, and then the economy in FL got bad and he had to close down the company and now he's basically out of work, and living with a new girlfriend and what's worse, now he's back into his old ways.

I haven't seen Nathan in a few years now...I talked to him a year ago and told him I'd call him back then life happened and I never did. When I got to see him I of course begged him not to wait years to come and see me, that I missed him terribly and he would always promise but never show up with his parents.

Tonight my Mother told me about how he got back into drugs and stealing, and how if anyone tries to talk to him about it, or getting a job he turns violent and angry. She said the only person that can talk to him about it is his big sister Jessica, who I also shadowed when I was little. Then Mom was saying how he won't go to rehab and that she thinks the only way he'll get out of it again is if he gets arrested or dies and I got to thinking. I want so terribly much, for my favorite cousin Nathan to be at my wedding whenever or if ever I get married, and I want to see him again and that even though I don't see him hardly at all anymore if he died I think it would crush my heart. So I called my Aunt Linda, his mother and I asked for his cellphone number and I called him tonight.

I was so nervous about what I would say, or what he would say that my hands shook as the phone rang and when he answered the phone he sounded so angry. "Hello?" He said in a gruff tone and I hesitated. "Ah...um...Nathan?" I said, unsure and he snapped back. "Speaking." I felt a bit more nervous and said quickly "Uh hi, this is Kate? You know, your cousin...Kate?" I hardly got my name out the second time and his voice completely changed. "Kate?! Jesus Kate! How are you doing? What are you up to? Oh my god it's so good to hear from you." I felt the tension drain out of me and I knew, just knew that I probably made his whole night by calling him. Of course, he was stoned and he repeated some things, but he also kept me on the phone for half an hour, making me tell him as many details out of my life as he could get. He told me he was just about to eat dinner with his girlfriend Amy and I quickly stuttered out that if he needed it go, it was fine, I didn't want to interrupt him or anything and he quickly shot back "What? No! Kate, you're not interrupting me, you'll never interrupt me, I love hearing from you, it's so good to hear from you. You absolutely have to call me again." He made me promise a few times during the conversation I would, and he told me I could talk to him about anything, that we could be honest with each other no matter what, so I tested it. "Since we can be honest, will you tell me if you're stoned or not?" He hesitated then gave a nervous laugh before confirming, and I smiled...glad that he wouldn't lie.

In the end of the conversation he left because the Orlando Magics were about to play and he once again told me to call him, and I will.

I want my Snuggle Bunny to be at my wedding, so I'm going to make sure he lives long enough to be there. I have my foot in the door now, and obviously, he'll talk to me about things so my new mission in life is to help him dig his way out of his hole again...wish me luck.

Pop My Cherry!

Today is the first good Saturday at work I've ever had. It was full of fun, a small amount of drama that didn't last long, mfriends and I cutting up and the assistant store manager Jamie warming up to me. We also had Jamie as a closing manager which usually sucks in all capitals, but today we got out thirty minutes early! It was amazing!

I was in charge of lightbulbs. Now what this means is I have to front them (pull the boxes to the edge of the shelves) and pull the lightbulbs forward in their boxes. I've had to do this many times but there was this one lightbulb...this one stubborn little fucker who just wouldn't go into his box the right way. I tried for a good five minutes then got so frustrated I threw it to the back of the rack and had the heart warming satisfaction of hearing it fall between the racks and crash onto the floor sucessfully smashing it into a million pieces. Today, my cherry was popped, I broke my first lightbulb. Greg appluaded between holding his sides and laughing.

(If you're wondering who Greg is; he's my 'grandpa'. Everyone thinks I'm his prodical child.)

In other news, the sock theif known as Ritt has eaten all of the socks in the house and is now turning to shoes...

In other, other news I must now go through my toughest choice of the day; Strawberry Cheesecake Icecream, or Cheesecake Brownie Icecream.

Hm...

Hn...

I was so excited about the House season finale, even when I was watching it I was full of laughs and giggles until the end. Jesus, I so didn't need something like that to further my downhill spiral into some funky kind of depression.

This is why I try not to look forward to things...

Except Terminator Salvation, there isn't a thing in that movie that could make me dislike it...I can't wait to see it.

Money issues are getting fixed, one less thing to stress about, but I can still feel the bout of hysteria rolling around inside of me. What the hell, honestly, this is just so unnecessary.

I think I might try to sleep now, and just get up in a few hours and do my room. It sounds like a good plan, of course until morning and then I'll curse myself for such a plan. Oh well...

Fuck

I feel a breakdown coming on, and for no damn reason that's good enough to merit a breakdown. I just feel like crying and screaming and pulling my hair out.

My grandmother is coming tomorrow, and I have to clean my room tonight which could take hours upon hours to do because I just brought home a shitload of stuff from my apartment. I'm also hungry, but of course there isn't a damn thing in the house to even munch on and when Mom mentioned me taking her card to go and get something to eat I just sighed in a bitchy way and declined because I don't feel like driving, and even if I did my gas light came on in my car and I have no fucking money to get gas with, so I'll already have to ask her with that.

Then I get paid tomorrow, which would be great except for the now $200+ overdraft fee I have and the $275 that's coming out of my check to go to school loans. I don't have enough money to cover both and Mom said she'd help me but of course either forgot or decided to just let me get more overdrafts.

I have to work tomorrow, but not enough to get an hour lunch which means I can't go home and eat and there isn't anything to take for lunch and I don't have any money to get lunch...so I'll end up not eating. I actually have to work for the next six days...six of eight, I believe I've mentioned this...did I mention that it's over the busy weekend+Monday of the year? And I have to close which means I'll be there for most likely 11hours?

Did I mention that today at work I was lifting these rather large jugs of water and pulled out my left shoulder...at least, it cracked and now is starting to throb in an interesting way.

Fucking hell. I thought writing all of this crap down would make me feel better, but it is just proving how much of a whiny, pity me, ass I am.

Ugh...and here comes the self-loathing to top it all off.

Fuck me. Stupid ass woman. Stupid ass tantrums and stupid ass PMS. I just need to drown myself.

Update.

So, I haven't written anything in a little while and I don't think I have anything important to write about now...well, not yet anyway.

I'm crossing my fingers for some things, and sitting on the edge of my seat for others but over all I'm mad because I have to work eight days in a row. At least I'll have a good check, which I need after overdrafting my account for a good two-hundred bucks. -cringe-

I haven't been up to much lately, just working and coming home talking to my pookie punkin peachy pie Sai and sleeping. I've been trying to write and finally started to again, which is a great thing I thought my love for writing had dried up! I haven't worked on a fanfiction or anything, just my book. I think that not working on writing other things, and reading books make me want to write my own stuff even more so I'm going to try that for a while.

Oh yeah, two interesting things happened today. One, my Dad was being goofy and trying to sneak up on me and he fell down our stairs. I instantly made him lay on the couch and made him take a motrin800. Poor fellow, he's going to be so sore tomorrow. The second thing is I was getting ready to leave work and I saw someone dragging these eight foot poles with these hooks on the end across the floor while trying to move a ladder. So me being the sweety that I am walked over to help and I picked up the bundle of poles. Unfortunately one of the poles wasn't attached to the others and swung down and caught me right across the cheek bone, so I'm sure I'm going to look like I was back handed tomorrow.

I'm going to tell them my pimp did it.

Now I'm sitting down, waiting for Sai and watching some show on UFO's with Dad who I don't know why he watches them because all he does is squirm in his chair and call it bullshit. And now he's bitching at the commercials. Dear god, the man needs a life...

So while I'm waiting, I suppose I'll try writing, if I can. I hope. Or maybe take a nap. A nap sounds nice. Mm...chocolate milk.

What Is With The World?

Seriously now...I'm single, and nothing happens. I'm complicatedly single, and I get flirted with a even asked out for drinks by two different guys. One of them being a manager from another Lowe's store!

Really?

I mean really?

Ugh, men are just so...

Pictures!

I kept meaning to post these pictures of the stuff I've been making...but I always forget. But here they are now!

This is Dad's birthday cake...it was so good.

This is an orange cake with cream cheese frosting and melted vanilla chips on it and around the edges...

Choco cream-puffs!

My first batch of cream puffs ever...they were so great.

I need to start baking things again, I got a few new recipes so I guess when I get paid I'll start up again.

Whoohoo for stressless baking!

Odd...

For some reason on the way home, mid song my CD player in my car stopped working so I shrugged in a bit of frustration and flipped through radio channels. When nothing popped up that was interesting I hit the AM button and hit scan. Radio shows and static are what met me, then something interesting caught my attention. It was an educational discussion on the existence of alien life brought up because of half human/animal pictures on a cave wall from dear lord knows how many years ago. I listened for a minute, then wrote it off as something silly before flipping the channel again. When the scan button settled on the next available signal my ears were met with a high pitched noise of great annoyance then barely heard voices talking about the Mayan calendar. I sat in my car, in the dark for a good ten minutes, trying to hear what they were saying exactly then gave up and came inside.

Now I'm sitting here thinking of all of the logical reasons I can how the world isn't going to end in 2012 because I don't think I'm done living yet. Then I ran across this very interesting statement about the Mayan calendar.

"December 21, 2012 marks the end of the Long Count and Precession Cycle. A fascinating astronomical occurrence will take place that day. The sun will be seen in a conjunction with the crossing point of the galactic equator and the ecliptic which is referred by the Mayans as the Sacred Tree. Since this is due to take place on the winter solstice, this should provide clear evidence that the proper end day of the Mayan calendar is December 21, 2012. Some say December 22,nd, 23rd or even other dates. However, the solstice was an important day to the Mayans and it is logical to think that they would conclude their calendar cycle on this day, coupled with the fact of the rare astronomical occurrence set to take place that day."

This statement interests me greatly...I'll have to look into the Mayan Calendar and the end of the world more closely.

...It's going to be a long, morbid and creepy night no doubt...

?

I wanted to write something...but, what was it?

Well...Damn.

So I'm riding back from Beth and Pam's house tonight, or erm, should I say this morning and I stick my ear phones in my ears to listen to my MP3 player and what do you know, but the headphones are shorting out. I mean, I love Gackt singing closer and farther away constantly as the next girl does, but please I want to hear the bridge in the music stay solid so I can hear ChaCha bust out an awesome solo. I guess I'll have to go and pick up some new headphones tomorrow, which isn't a big deal considering I just got paid at 6am this morning.

I find myself having to pee more often these days, alcohol cause, or bladder rebeling? You decide.

While I'm complaining about electronics, I stupidly (and I say this because I didn't discover this sooner) found out a campaign mode on SoulCaliberIII and I played it for a good six hours along with the rest of my 13 hours of saved game time...and what did my memory card do? It corrupted! Ooooof course it did. Fucking thing. I would have broken it in half if I didn't need it so much.

I'm supposed to be getting up at eight to get ready for the day and go out with Mom to get my car serviced and to spend part of the day with her before I have to return to hell at 2pm until 11pm. I guess since I stated that I was hoping I would realize that that time is just about four hours away and I should go to sleep now...hm...not clicking. Oh well.

So...I need to pick up a pack of CDs tomorrow as well, so I can make a few good mixed ones for the trip on Monday morning to my homeland of NC. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it's not the drive there I'm worried about, it's the horrible drive back that I don't want to do. It's almost so hauntingly annoying that it makes me not want to leave at all but I have a plan! If I REALLY can't make it on Tuesday, I'll just call out of work on Wed and tell them that I'm *cough cough* ill or something and just go back Wed afternoon. I'll only use that as a last resort, hopefully someone would be kind enough to help edge me away from that idea though.

I'm trying to switch scheduals with someone at work for Sunday, so I could open instead of close so I could leave on Sunday and not Monday, so I atleast get one full day there. That would be so nice. -sigh-

Hm, I guess I'm rambling now...my fingers are tingling on the tips, I wonder what that means.

Oh, there's this guy from work, Will who I think I might like, but not really since I don't think he'll ever, EVER like me. But he was at Beth and Pam's house and he was teasing me so I got into a play fight with him that ended up turning into a match to see who could out do who with tossing each other around a bit and let me tell you...that man is fucking STRONG. I mean, I held my own but by the third time he slammed me back into the wall, pinned my wrists in his hands and had a cocky grin on his face I decided to give it my all and battled him match for match and by the end of it, my legs and arms were jello like.

Smells good?

Check.

Taller than me?

Double check.

Funny?

Check.

Strong and built?

Dear god...I could just color in the box.

Did I mentioned he pinned me to a wall, several times? -fans self-

Too bad the boy isn't so much my type in the end...and he's a bit old...er.

We work together!

Erm...goodnight.

Fighting Back Fury.

There is this horrible demon inside of me that is clawing my insides raw trying to force it's way out. It wants to take things out on people that just happen to cross my path, or say the wrong thing and it makes me so sick inside that I know this and can't control it. It always seems to win over my will no matter how much I swallow the lump of rage and in the end I hurt/maime/depress/hurt more the people I care about. If I have to analize this I find that it's a pretty common human trait, but I don't think that offers me comfort.

The worst part about it is, is that this barely contained fury is almost always the result of being hurt or utterly dissapointed.

Why do I still hope?

Book Ramblings...

So I was listening to songs on my MP3 player not to long ago...and this one soundtrack song came on called 'A Far Cry' by Yoko Kanno and it just instantly gave me a pretty neat and gruesome scene for my book, it was odd really how it came on and I was driving and all of a sudden all I could see was the scene. I mean, it's totally awesome but I wonder...if I got more music themed towards my book would it make me put things together faster in my head for it?

I mean seriously, this was only supposed to be like a two year project, but I'm so lazy and lack the ability to just sit down and write so far it's a six year ordeal so far...but atleast I'm getting good ideas as I move along.

That scene was so vivid I might create it in a paint program...hm...

Kami, tasukete kudasai...

Oh my god...

Onegai...tasukete atashi ga. Atashi no atama ga warui, atashi no kokoro ga itai...

Naze?

Kami-sama...doshite?

Hoshi janai, kore wa hontou ni hoshi janai yo.

Kuso...

I'm So Fucking Tired of Being Sorry...

And of feeling like shit because of something one person says to me when I even know in my brain and in my heart what I did was right. It was the right thing to do, and it was the right thing for me to do for my dear friend even if it caused a bit more pain and arguing and hassle. Love is fucking worth it...it's hard to find, sometimes it doesn't last long and yeah, it comes with a fuck load of troubles and pain but while you have it you should fight for it as long as the other person is willing to fight as well.

I care about people, I care about what they say and what they do, I care about what hurts them, what they hate...and when someone close to me hurts, I hurt too, unbelievably so...so fuck yeah, if I can help I'll do everything in my power to do so...

I don't know how I knew what was off, but it was a feeling in my chest so tight I struggled to breath and I was right. Fucking hell I was more than right, I hit the nail on the head so hard it drove home into a complete stranger who needed to hear it, helped them along in the direction THEY needed.

I'm not writing this for any smart ass comments, and I'm not writing this for comments of support. I'm writing this because I needed to clear my head and heart of it.


I'm not sorry that I can't just sit around, watch and give what little comfort I can. I found that I could do something to help... and I don't regret it at all.

Dear God...I Need A Real Weekend...

Wasted...my night last night was so very wasted! Instead of staying up like I always do I went to sleep at a "decent" hour as some people would call it...and to me, it was a waste of good nighttime! Fucking hell. I could have been writing, or cleaning, or something other than sleeping needlessly because I'm still tired even though I slept alot!

Bah! Anyway, I wrote that first paragraph hours ago...it's not really 1:25 am and I have to be up at six to get ready for work, but what am I doing instead? I'm having a heart melting last episode of Mei-chan no Shitsuji, and by heart melting I mean it made my chest throb the ending was so nice. Hn...I'm such a very hopeless romantic. I want to live in a fairy tale, or something along the lines of the things I read and watch, you'd think I'd grow out of that by now! Mou, for the love of cheese...

I figured out some things about myself which came out of no where and were surprising and true. I don't need a boyfriend right now no matter if the hottest guy in the world were to ask me out. That's because I'd be a terrible girlfriend because of many reasons. The main one is, is that I'm not happy with myself so very often, the way I look or act, or the lack of ability to make new friends or be confident about things and I think that gives me a very negative aura. So! I'm going to start working on making myself better in my own eyes so I can be happier with myself so I can reflect that to other people so I can finally get a boyfriend! Mwahaha, my plan is complete! Now for the action...

Did I mention the ending of that was so good? God, a good ending finally on something, something that made me wholly satisfied...hn...going to sleep now.

Awake...

I've been awake almost all night! I went to bed at 11:45...and awoke at 1am and stayed up all the rest of the morning to be at work in about thirty minutes! Yaaay for bad ideas!

Hehehe, just saying hullo, and goodmorning, since this is so rare and all. Hope I can make it through the day and can horde lots of money for mountain dew!!

End of the Work Week!

So, I now have two days off after a grueling however many days I worked, fun fucking stuff right there people. Now I am watching The Fifth Element, chatting to several people and trying to finish editing a fanfiction that I started too long ago that just needs to be done and contemplating on eating something...hm.

Nothing interesting to tell, except for my Dad is a fucking lunatic...I mean that in the worst way possible too.

Aww...the blue lady is singing. Such a nice voice that short blonde french opera singer has...

Chris Tucker...<3 How I love you in this movie.

Not concentrating as you can see! So...onward, to the bat cave!

In the End...I'm....

(Was posted on my old LJ)

In the end she decided to 'end' the friendship, because it's too frustrating because we haven't really been 'friends' in two years. So, of course she took me off everything possible including her LJ friends list and I think all it served to do was make me completely and utterly pissed.

This was the end result from her e-mail asking me why I never talk to her about my life and where I once again told her that I didn't talk to anyone, one person who caught me at midnight online whom I haven't talked to in a year just caught me at a bad time and stayed up talking with me until 4am, and because it made me feel good, I posted it on my other journal and from that this email message came eventually...:

"The thing is, Katie...We haven't really been "friends" in a good two years or so.So, I wish you all the best, but I can't stay friends with someone like this, it's too frustrating. Both friends have to make an effort.I've never had to end a friendship, so this is a first for me. I hasn't been an easy decision...

Please remember to believe in yourself. You are a strong girl.

Goodbye.

-Becca"


Maybe that's not a big enough picture for you to get how absolutely blood boiling this is for me, so I'll just post all three e-mails.
1st:

"I understand you are going through a rough time and I'm sorry for that. I would like to be there for you as your friend, but apparently you don't want to talk to me? I don't understand it. It's happening all over again. You don't communicate with me, yet you communicate with other people. You mentioned in your journal you talked with someone until 4am and that made you feel better...you're starting to have friends in Kentucky with Beth and Pam, which is great, I'm happy for you! But I just don't understand, Katie. Why won't you talk with me? It's driving me pretty crazy because I don't know how to think of you anymore. A friend or not? I've stopped trying to call you because every time I have, you never pick or even return my call.

Just tell me.

Why won't you talk with me?

-Becca"


Now the rough time she's speaking of, I believe is the fact that for four days I watched my mother dying in a hospital bed. I'm fucking sorry I'd rather post one big thing about it on a journal than have to tell people over and over again about it. But of course I haven't really been 'friends' with her in two years...I wonder if she ever got that fact that I didn't talk to her a whole lot ever, because I never talk to ANYONE about shit, I have my journal online that I load off on and that's about it. Maybe I don't like to relive things and tell them to people all of the time, which is something she's comfortable with, I'm am not that open of a person but she could never quite understand that apart of friendships is unconditional love, and being able to understand that people are very different from you, and being able to accept those differences. I sure as hell accepted her differences for as long as I can remember. When I got that e-mail, I think I just kind of closed it off, it's not the first time she's sent me and e-mail like that, and this isn't the first time I said something like this for several reasons.

2nd:
"The only reason I talked to him, was because he caught me at the right time and we haven't talked in a year. So yes, it was good to finally talk to him again. I don't talk to you because I don't talk to anyone, how many times do I have to explain that? If you're so upset about this all the time, then I'll leave the decision to stay friends with me up to you. I don't know what else to tell you Becca, I really don't...I'm sorry and that's all I can say I guess."


I don't want to make people suffer because of be, so I gave her the choice, it makes me soul-shakingly sad that the choice she went with was the one I'd never pick for us because who knows where the future would take us...

She gave me this card in my first year of college alot with this box of japanese okashi and I have it in this notebook I carry with me everywhere because it made my heart feel better just to look at it, it says; "Scissors beat paper. Rock beats scissors. Paper beats rock. Sisters beat anything. Happy Valentine's Day. Hang in there! Love Becca <3."

I guess people just don't understand me, and it's completely my fault. My friends help me just by being available, most things I just want to work out on my own because that's the sort of person I am. But that card, and the drawing of Itachi she gave me for one of my birthdays that's hanging on the wall, and the Sailor Chibi Moon she painted for me on my birthday that's hanging right next to that, or the Yuki card she made me with the "Baka Neko Productions" on the back with Kyo that's up there too, just looking at those everyday was something to keep me pushing on just a little bit harder. But of course she wouldn't know that...now she'll never know that because I've been taken completely out of her world.

After writing all of that crap, which I know is probably the tackiest thing ever to do but I was just so angry, and I think so incrediably hurt that I had to do something, not like she'll ever see; but now, now I think of how much I miss reading up on her blog everyday, which is something I did check everyday, and how the feeling won't come from those items she gave me anymore. I guess I'll go and pack them away and move on from yet another failed relationship that I fucked up overall.

I wonder if she still has that piece of paper I gave her in eight grade...the one that I wrote to her I'd be friends with her forever as long as she wanted me, I wonder if she threw that away too.