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Monday, September 26, 2011

A New Day...

This weekend Sage and I drove up to see my parents in Kentucky and had an absolutely wonderful time. Dad took us to a lake where we all tried out his Kayak and now it needs to be said that I want one! It was so much fun, and it was so relaxing and peaceful. I would love to do it more.

I also talked to my mother about my future a bit which was really difficult. I knew her feelings on my not working would be strong and she supports me but she really kind of gave me some good advice. If I'm not working on making money, it's okay if I am going to be a housewife, but I need to work on something, I need to work on myself.

I was thinking of what I could work on for myself. And that answer was simple enough. I need to lose weight, I am so unhealthy that I get winded doing the simplest of tasks, I'm not as strong as I used to be which is really a bothersome thing and I love to be active, so why am I letting myself turn into a couch potato blob? I also need to work on feeling like I've accomplished something in my life.

So I did some research, I feel like I can't make it as a teacher, but I would still love to work with kids, so I applied to GTCC to start in their Early Childhood Education program that will give me an Associates degree and let me be able to work in many different child care facilities. Which would be an exciting thing for me.

Then last but certainly not least, I want to be a writer. So I really need to get into the routine of writing at least 90 minutes a day, make it a habit and finish my book that I've been working on forever.

There are so many things I need to do, and it's hard doing them, especially since my main driving force is my mother and she's so far away. She's my support buddy and I don't have her close by and where Sage is great and supportive he doesn't push me to do anything, and I need to be pushed.

So here I am, having applied to GTCC, filling out my FAFSA, and trying to figure out some healthy meals to make.

I went to bed early for me last night, around 1am, but I still slept until 1pm and I was so tired when I tried to wake up at 9. But the going to bed early is a start for sure.

Usually I'll be just getting out of bed, sitting on the couch and doing things on the internet and that's how I'd remain. But today I've been up for a while, checked my mail, did some progressive things on the internet and I'm even dressed and ready to go out shopping for groceries as soon as my list is made.

Progress. Takes one step at a time I guess.

Wish me luck. ^^v

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Progress...

So I managed to stay up until 1pm! Yaaay! But then I fell asleep.

Aww...

But only until five, which is four hours which is four hours less than the normal recommended sleep which means I'm still dead tired, which means I can go to bed at a decent hour tonight!

Yay!!!

I have successfully accomplished one thing I was set out to do! Yosha!

Now I'm waiting for it to be 11pm outside so I can go to sleep.

Sooo sleepy.

I feel like I'm wanting to do something, not really sure what it is. But I think I'll go and take a shower to wake myself up a bit. Maybe I'll get lucky and this night'll fly by!

Oh yeah, at 3am this morning I made the perfect looking omelette (for some reason spell check is dissing my spelling of this word O_o ) and I took a picture of it! I think I'll post it at some point in time. ^^; It was so pretty.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sleepy...

So my plan failed horrible. I can admit that.

I ended up sitting on the couch and falling asleep for many hours. Luckily though I'm still tired, don't know if it'll hang around until tonight though. Usually when the sun sets I get a second wind.

I spent a lot of last night going through music to pull out songs I like from artists I had downloaded at some point in time on my computer. My new favorite Japanese band is School Food Punishment. She kind of reminds me of a mellow jazz singer, only not because I don't like jazz. I like her voice and most of her songs. They aren't spectacular but they're something I could listen to everyday. The song Killer is one I like a lot but it doesn't really sound like the rest of her music. I like it because it sounds like two songs put together. <3 the Chorus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDDIg6FYyzM

Anyway, I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tonight. Maybe grilled cheese? >_> <_< Don't know.

Urgh, so sleepy.

Crack In The Plan...

So there was a slight crack in my great plan for tomorrow.

Erm...today.

It started when I stood up at 12:30am to go to bed and ended four hours later when I decided to sit down and write. Just because it wasn't on my book doesn't make me any less proud. The fact that I'm writing at all is truly amazing. I haven't written in a year just about. So anything like this is amazing.

I found things that I had written on a while back, added them into folders on my computer. Edited some things, outlined others and typed up a Sailor Moon fanfic...

What the crap, Sailor Moon?

Fanfiction?

Haha, that's right. I'm going nostalgic, and who cares if I'm a 24 year old woman writing fanfiction. It makes me happy, and it helps refine my writing skills! Not that I feel it's hard to write. Millions of people do it everyday and are much better than I am at it. But I love doing it anyway.

Every time I write a chapter I feel even a little bit more accomplished in my life. Even if it's only to make one person smile when they see an update to a story they like. That makes them happy.

I think I'm going to go to bed now. And still get up at 7/8 so I'll be dead tired tomorrow night and can go to bed at a decent time.

P.S. My jaw hurts from chomping on gum.

P.S.S Yet here I am...still chomping away.

Stupid good tasting gum.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cooking Is Good...

...for stress. Unless you're trying to lose weight. Then cooking becomes a carb nightmare centered around the onigiri you made at three in the morning. Then consumed.

All of it.

Was I bored eating? Maybe I was depressed eating.

All I know is, is that I ate it and it was so good.

Now I regret it. I also regret sleeping all day. Again.

Today I've been trying my best to get myself out of the depressed funk, even watched an episode of Sailor Moon. That depressed me too and I don't even know why.

I kind of feel like I'm reverting back to the high school me again, always looking for that next escape out of reality. Depending on it too much.

Well NO MORE.

Nut uh. I'm done with that shit, and I'm done being that girl.

I HAVE to do something different for myself.

The first start was turning off AIM. The next will be limiting myself to only a few hours of internet time a day. (Hey, that might seem like a lot but I'm going from like 16 hours to only a few...3 at max) But that isn't limiting me to how much I'm on my computer. Since, well...I need it to write.

I read that it takes somewhere like 60 days to form a habit. So Tomorrow is going to be my first of sixty days.

I plan on going to be by midnight at the latest. Waking up at seven every morning to eat breakfast and go on a walk with Sage then clean up the kitchen while he gets ready for work and make his lunch. Then I'll do some yoga, take a shower and write for 90 minutes minimum. No internet until after that is done. Then I'll have a snack (healthy), go for a walk and come back and do something creative (like work on Christmas cards or on the Halloween party idea that I have, better yet, plan my wedding that's in nearly a year!).

Try and blog, because already I feel better about things. Maybe watch a few episodes of something fun (Like my recent Card Captors Sakura addiction or Sailor Moon), make dinner, go for another walk, hang out with Sage then start it all over again the next day.

I hope I can stick by that. I think the going to be thing will be the hardest.

Speaking of cooking, I need to finish dinner.

Breathe deeply.

Panic...

For some reason I decided to start looking up people I went to school with in high school.

This has led to some minor (MAJOR) problems with my self worth all of a sudden.

So, it first started when I saw a familiar name of Cameron Hodge. She was a girl I felt like I was pretty close to the first year of high school, I even stayed over at her house several times. When I clicked on Cammy's profile I noticed that the picture was that of a book.

A what...?

A book.

A fucking book?

She wrote a book?!

It's about how finding Jesus changed her life and her prospective of things.

But...she wrote a BOOK.

A FUCKING BOOK!

What have I done in my life worthwhile?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

To make matters worse, I went in search of Abigail Porter...found her brother Josh instead who I remember as a half naked kid running around her house when we were in high school. He's in Peru....

...Peru...

And he's hot, and he's worked at Disney and has done all of these adventurous things in his life and what have I done?

Nothing.

Kassie went to Japan. I can't even look at her pictures my heart hurts so much.

If I died right now, the things I have accomplished in my life will stack up to a piece of paper.

Fuck, I'm so upset I'm beside myself.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Try Again...

So this is me, trying again.

Trying again to start writing in this online journal that no one but me checks. Is it still therapeutic if no one reads it?

I wonder...

Here I sit in the office of my new apartment, the office that is not yet an office, it's only partially done but this is the first night that I've spent any time in it. So far it's not so inspiring, but it is nice having the lights on, sitting at a table and not having to worry about waking the sleeping boy.

What have I been doing since I quit my job? So glad you asked.

Nothing, that's right, nothing. I am a complete fucking failure. I'm not working, I don't want to work, I'm not even a good housewife. I have emotional breakdowns and once again am living for only the world of fantasy.

Thought I do love spending time with Sage in the real world. My mind just as easily as always lets me slip away.

I haven't written. Naturally, and why would I?

Fuck.

That's what sums up everything right now about my feelings. I want to scream and pull my hair and I couldn't even being to turn the reason why into words. It's just there.

That feeling that eats at my insides.

Why is it still there?

This writing stuff doesn't help. I wonder what does.

I need a better chair. The one I am sitting in is not comfortable. Not at all!

Fuck.

Wait, wait, wait. That's what I'm doing. Waiting, not inspired by anything but waiting for that next fix. When will it come? Can it get here yet?

Fucking drug.

You're not even conventional.

Fuck you.

You don't even cost me any money, that's how sad you are. You just are...will you ever go away?

I hope not. What would I possibly do without you?

Would I develop motivation through boredom?

Is that possible?

Everything's possible, right?

WRONG!

So wrong.

Not even a little right.

Fuck...

I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired enough to sleep. And then I want it to be daylight and I want to wake up and start everything all over again. Then will I be right back here again?

I don't know.

Fuck, what do I know?

Am I going crazy?

Stupid?

Am I becoming even weaker?

Fuck.

Music isn't even calming me. I can't find the right song.

Where are you right song? I need you...so where are you?

This song is not it.

So not it.

Leaving now, maybe I'll go and find myself.

If I don't ever come back...well, you know.