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Saturday, September 12, 2009

Life...

I slept without knowing I was asleep. At some point in time, I moved from my spot on the floor, hands on the laptop keyboard, to the bed, snuggled into the covers and breathing softly.

What did I dream about?

In the morning Mom woke me up, and sunlight streamed through the window and I stretched, sleepy eyed and disoriented.

"Are you going to go and get coffee with us?" She asked as she set down a bag. I nodded and she asked me if I was okay, I nodded again and flopped back onto the pillows, sighing in a satisfied way as there was so much softness I didn't even bounce. She laughed and I shifted uncomfortably then leapt up with a noise.

"I have to pee!" I announced as I ran out of the room and to the bathroom.

Thirty minutes, and having to use men's shampoo later, I emerged from the steam filled bathroom and moved into the bed room.

"Is everyone going?" I heard Pa ask while someone mummbled a conformation. Uncle Michael, Uncle John and Pa would go on ahead in the car while Mom, Granny-Anne and I would follow in the SUV.

"I'll be just a second." I told Mom as I shut the bedroom door.

"Okay hun, you know it's Pa's Birthday today so..." I felt my heartbeat pound uncomfortably, and the rest of her sentence was lost in a strange buzzing noise.

I looked at myself in the mirror. 'That's right, Grandma Sibyl, his mother died two days before Pa's birthday...' I thought as I ran a brush through my wet tangled hair. 'His Dad died two days after.' I felt slightly ill as I turned and got dressed for the day and walked out into the hallway.

"Ready?" Mom asked and I nodded as she looked me over. "You look cute." She commented as I followed her through the hallway and into the living room then the kitchen where my Grandmother waited.

"Coffee time!" Granny-Anne chimed with her forever heart warming smile.


We stood outside of the coffee shop where we managed to get six large cups of coffee in mulitple types and flavors with multiple shots for $16. The town was alive with locals as we chatted on the sidewalk. I looked around and smiled, this was home for me, this town that's so alive with color with people and with music and art. Pa told stories of his mother as the family laughed and smiled and I found myself becoming uncomfortable as an anxiety attack clawed it's way to the surface. I shifted then acted like I finished my coffee and walked down the sidewalk a ways to the trash can. As I walked back I heard my Uncle John laugh and we all turned.

Traveling on the road was an extremely old lawn mower with it's owner who looked just as old wearing overalls and raising a hand to us in greeting as he passed by. I laughed in good humor then smiled and tilted my head back to look at the mountains.

This was home.

So much life, so many friendly people who wave and smile. Jesus Christ, how could I have ever wanted to leave this place?

When you can drive up a road, close your eyes and breathe in the air and just know, feel you're home and feel how much magic (yes, I said something cheesy as magic) swirls around and fills you, you have something that you should always hope to keep.

Something you'll never lose.

My family is something I've never seen before.

We can be angry at each other, not speak to each other, call each other names or just not see each other for so long then when we need family, when we need each other we all go to the mountain and come together with as strong of a bond as ever.

I don't know anyone with a family like mine, which makes me feel sad, because it's amazing.

Life is...short, someone said, very short but when you have things that can just make you feel alive then it's so worth it, even if it's rare or far in between.

Ah...so cheesy. I'm done now...that was my bit of thought, if it was a thought or thoughts...or...

Friday, September 11, 2009

Discomfort.

Today was...

Goodbye.

I didn't get a chance to say goodbye, so I'll do so now.

Thank you, for spending time with me, for letting me sleep over at your house and for feeding me breakfast by cooking eggs in the microwave so many times.

I enjoyed our walks down to the mail box, coming to get you for dinner or for lunch and sitting on your porch while you would hand me candies.

I'll miss your laugh, your smile and how you smelled.

I know there is so many more things for me to remember, but right now it's a bit hard to think past all of the tears.

You were loved by so many people, you touched the lives of so many people I could only ever dream about reaching your level of kindness and charity.

Everyone has regrets Grandma Sibyl, my regret is that I didn't take advantage of you even more when I was a child.

Take care of Max for me, it'll still be a while before I join you.

I love you, more than you could imagine.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

15 Minute Challenge.

So Keith and I have been doing this fifteen minute writing challenge where we give each other a setting and a color that we have to incorporate into something that we write. This is the first one I've been able to complete...and it's pretty gross. ^^

Setting:America Color:HoneyDew Green.

"It’s a duck."
"No it’s not, it’s like that thing they stuck up your whatsit when you have to go to the doctor from hell."
"Like I said, it’s a duck." We watched as the white cloud passed over.
"We should do something." I looked over at her and shrugged then sneezed as a particular evil piece of grass stuck itself up my left nostril.
"Bless you."
"Fucking nature." I grumbled and rolled over onto my stomach so that my side bumped up against her arm.
"Don’t blame the grass, it was there first."
"I hope it likes being covered in snot." I looked down at it in disdain and her musical laugher made me smile as I continued to glare at the offending blade. "Let’s see you photosynthesize now bitch."
"You are so not right." She rolled onto her side, facing towards me then looked at the grass her laughter making her shoulders shake. "You just added to the scenery, more green."
"Honey Dew green." I corrected and she laughed again.
"Honey Dew green?"
"Oh yes, that’s right." I nodded.
"Your snot is colored like the melon?" I looked back at her face, pretty hazel eyes starting at me as she struggled to control a giggling fit. "I like honey-dew, those are tasty."
"Well don’t eat that blade of grass. It might look like the melon now, but I don’t think your digestive system could handle it." I patted her head and stood while she howled with laughter once again. I stretched then held out a hand for her. "Let’s go and get a hotdog." Her fingers closed around the back of my hand and I pulled her to her feet, slinging my arm around her shoulders in a friendly way.
"As long as it’s not green." She giggled and my laughter filled up the yard as we walked to the house.

Relief...

You have no idea how much better I feel.

You said you were going to do it and goddamn it you did, and that instills so much more trust into your word than you can even know.

Keep that in mind for when you tell me you're going to do something again and I'm sure we'll go far.

Ichigo Ichie, right?

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Furious.

I'm so angry I'm shaking.

I have cold chills.

My stomach is rolling like I'm on a rollar coaster from hell.

I have so much adrinaline coursing through me that I could probably kill someone without much intended force behind it.

I haven't been this angry since I've been with Jared or since Dad tried to hit me.

This is a dangerous line, and you have no idea how close you are to falling over the edge.

You are warned; and your inabilites to do the things you say you will are one step closer from bringing things to a new level of hardships between us.

The fact that I have to push you or ask you questions in order to get things done every fucking time something goes wrong is starting to wear thin on me.

This is wearing very thin.

I don't want a fucking child to babysit, or another stupid fucking man who doesn't know his asshole from a hole in the ground, or a fucked up boyfriend who will let his family walk all over our relationship.

I AM DONE WITH THOSE TYPES OF THINGS.

If you don't think I'm serious by now then keep pushing your luck.

My forgiveness is going to be quick to wear out.

I'm fucking tired of repeating myself, of being the one who has to step up and fix things where it should be you that does it, who jumps onto what needs to be fixed since you love me so goddamn much.

Everyday I deal with things like this, or see people deal with things like that and everyday my hopes in "love" being enough fall a little more.

I'm tired of this shit.

I'm absolutely furious.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Past Things...

I am still bothered by the past.

I take time out of my day, to check on things that I know I can no longer see, or that I no longer am involved in, for what?

Why do I torture myself?

I want to know how you're doing...I want to see what new things you have discovered, even if it is your creepy dolls, and I want to be someone who gets to read your rantings...

But I'm no longer a friend.

I wonder why that still angers me so much. I wonder why I am so pissed of that someone can decide something like that an go on like it's nothing.

I'm nothing, I know.

I'll always be nothing, mean nothing, no matter how I try I will remain nothing. To you...at least.

And then here I am, excited all by myself of getting to talk to you again, you who isn't the same as her. Then you dissapear...only speak to me once more.

Is it because I moved on? Is it because I'll admit that I love you, but that I'm no longer in love with you?

You missed your chance, you broke my heart, you had time to think and to do and to act and I had time to morn. It took too long to pull myself back together and for some goddamn reason I was more than willing to put myself back into that same position.

Now it's different. Now I have him. But I want you, I want to be friends with you and know that you're okay, and that you're not going after bimbos or that your best friend isn't stealing the girls that you like again.

I'm too scared to ask though...either of you, because I think to both I mean nothing now.

I wish I were like that, that people could just mean nothing to me after a while.

If you died, I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

If you died I think my heart would break all over again.

Why?

You don't care the same, you don't feel the same, I probably don't exsist to you anymore.

And then there is her, I thought we'd never speak again.

I thought it was over forever, and I said I was glad that it was...

I'm happy to have you back, even if we are just each others entertainment.

There are others, who seem to stick around no matter what, those are my true friends. The ones I can talk to out of the blue and who won't get angry for me being so flakey and never calling them when I say I will and who seem to understand me like it's effortless or know just what I need on a shitty day.

Most of all, there is the boy...who sucks worse than the people who ignore me now, sometimes but who still gets things the same way the true friends do, even if half of his guesses are wrong.

Anyone who can put up with me like you do, even when I know I'm being batshit crazy enough to put down is someone who's fucking amazing.

That is all.