Thursday, December 31, 2009

Not So New...

Happy New Year, self.

Another year, and things don't seem to change...

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Long Lost Post From Internetless Days...

Well, here I am. In the car. In the backseat actually, testing out if I get car sick or not while typing on my laptop. The screen keeps bouncing, stop that.

Merry Christmas everyone, for a few hours still, well, while I'm typing this anyway. If I could keep my screen from bouncing this would be so much better. So far I'm not carsick, so far this is really fun actually. I can see that I'm annoying Dad and Mom told him to get over himself or something of the like. I could tell because of his face, not because I heard them because I can't. I have headphones in.

Did I mention this is fun? I wonder if I can work on writing a story while I'm in the car, we'll see. I'm not hopeful because it seems that while doing this in the car I'm easily distracted and not relaxed at all.

How has everyone's Christmas' been? Mine is nearly over...I say nearly because I won't be opening the presents my grandparents got me until tomorrow night when the rest of the family gets to the house.

Speaking of getting there, I think we'll get there in a few hours, two to be exact.

I'm feeling car sick now. Maybe I just won't look at the computer while I'm typing and that'll make things so much better.

Okay, this is a test at whether or not I need to look at the computer to type. How'd I do? Hm...

More later...

Day Two:

We got here safe and sound, but! There is no internet thanks to an ice storm they had on Christmas Eve. So, here I will continue to write things down until I can post them when we get back to Fucktucky. Erm...I mean Kenfucky.


You get the point...

Today I woke up to the very bright glare of the sun reflecting off of the foot of snow that covers our land. I looked out side and noticed that the reason it was glaring so much, is because there is an inch of ice covering all of the show. Makes for neat scenery, but it shitty for making a snowman. So scratching out the idea of making a snowman...oh well.

Tonight Granny-Anne and I will be making out great Christmas cookies, eating a wonderful Christmas dinner and opening our presents that we didn't get to open. My Uncle Michael, Uncle John's girlfriend Scottie and her little girl Lauren will be coming up for the festivities.

I'm not feeling so great, since after we got up this morning, had coffee in town and then came back I was helping Uncle John throw some seriously big branches down the bank (they were broken off by the icestorm), then got into an epic tackle/snowball fight with him and winded myself one to many times. I had a coughing fit from hell between laughing until my ribs hurt, and loved every minute of it.

I just took a nice hot shower, enough to peel wallpaper off the wall (if there was any) and now I think I'm going to go and sit on the couch and drink some pumpkin eggnog.

Will check back later...

Day Two:Part Two:

I rested and am feeling much better! We had a family dinner that consisted of ham balls and corn, sweet potato casserole, green beans, and this odd grape salad that my Great Grandmother used to make all of the time. Of course, I just ate ham balls and corn and loved every minute of it.

After dinner there was a small crisis with the bathrooms, but one exploding toilet later and all the water you could need, everything was fixed. I, of course, felt like I had cracked a few ribs laughing. Trust me, you don't really want to know what happened.

Uncle Michael went home, he ended up having to cover for someone at work tomorrow morning and Dad slowly went off the deep end once again. He went to the point where he was bitching at me in front of Granny-Anne. He never does that. I felt embarrassed for him, and for her and for myself because he's just so fucking mean and full of himself.

Mom told me that she wouldn't be taking him home to the mountains next year. I don't really believe she'll follow through with that, but it's something for him to reflect on.

I mean seriously, if you're making my mother miserable enough that she's willing to leave you by yourself at Christmas, you're doing something waaaay wrong, fucker.

Bed time now. Making cookies in the morning.


Friday, December 25, 2009



Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Traffic From Hell.

So here I sit; in the TV while Mom talks to my uncle Michael on Skype and here I wait; for my boyfriend to return home from work. I am currently excited to talk to him and have decided while I talk to him tonight I shall wrap my parents' presents in hopes that it'll keep me awake and perpetually happy and non irritated. I've been having a problem with being uber irritated and it's really...erm...irritating me. Alas, the reasoning I believe behind it is because I've been carrying a nasty virus that's been beating my immune system down to mush which has finally erupted into a nasty cough complete with green stuff from both nostrils and mouth (Oh I know, over share in the extreme) ((I also know I worded a part of that sentence strangely. I blame it on people talking in the background and disrupting my train of though)).

Today I got up, went with Mom to pick up her glasses, ate egg rolls at the movie theater while watching New Moon with Mom once again (Was very good by the way, both egg rolls and the movie), then we went to Barnes and Nobles so I could pick up Dad's other Christmas present, then went home to pee then back out again to go and get Scottie's (Uncle's girlfriend) her Christmas present and ended up buying me a knee length gray sweater that was way on sale and that I was in love with. We then went to the Mongolian Grill for dindin, followed by the grocery store and then home where I stuffed the rest of my left over dindin down my throat, hid Dad's other, other Christmas present (District 9) and came upstairs to see what was going on in the world of online.

Now here I sit...having typed out my day, and am waiting.

I think I'll go and play Guitar Hero.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Coughs, Books, and Cream Puffs...Oh my.

I decided when I woke up this morning (after passing out on Smokey once again, for the millionth time this year) that I was going to take a book to work with me.

So after I got out of the shower, I was looking through my books (having only two new ones that I haven't read and didn't want to take to work because I don't want them to get ruined) and couldn't decide which I wanted to throw myself into. So what did I pick? Naked in Death, the first book to the In Death series by J.D. Robb aka; Nora Roberts. It was of course as wonderful as it was the first time I wrote it there was just one problem; Roarke.

How is that gorgeous, fine as hell, sexy, masculine, temper having, pushy, slightly Irish lilted man a problem you ask?

Because he's not real! And that's what I want!! If any writer in the world nailed down my perfect man, it was Nora Roberts with the more than dashing Roarke.

I read the whole book while I was there and I think I'm going to start on the next book tonight. Can't get enough of him...

So I come home from working looking forward to having white chicken chili for dindin since I didn't get any yesterday because I worked so late and didn't feel like driving home in the sleet and of course, there was less than a half a cup left in the container. I mean really? Wtf. So I shrug it off and think that I'll have one of MY croissants (there weresix big ones by the way) with the little bit of chili and make a meal out of it. I round the corner and OF COURSE they're all gone.

Fuck it. I say. And grab a box of frozen cream puffs and march up stairs. I'll just eat this for dinner since you fuckers don't know how to be considerate at all! And by you I totally mean my father who stood behind me for a good ten minutes to see if he wanted what I was thinking about having to eat. But I didn't have anything good, because you ATE IT ALL! Fucker...

So here I sit, waiting for them to thaw and wishing that I didn't bite into that frozen one because my teeth are making me cringe now.

I plan on writing tomorrow and the next day while I'm off, as well as wrapping my mothers' presents and picking up Dad's other present (even though he CONSTANTLY eats my food so he doesn't deserve anything). I plan on working on Nameless book thingy, doubtfully TDBLAD because I'm still a bit burnt out on it ('s 1/3 the way done! I'm not doing so bad) and working on Hakushin because I have great ideas...and no will to write.


My nostrils are running, probably from that weird ass cold that's be plaguing me with weird feelings of sickness and that just now decided to show itself in the form of a runny nostril and a chest rattling cough of doom. At least I think that means it's on its way out...

Speaking of being on its way out...I'm away, laughing on a fast camel.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Babbling Gets Me Nowhere...

I've been thinking about so many things in the past two days it's really amazing that I can function at all. The strangest thing about it is that when I have time to think, like I did for nine hours in the Garden Center at work looking at the snow today, nothing came to mind; I couldn't even manage to daydream. I'm sick, I know that much. With what? Who knows, but Mom has the same thing, same weird off the wall symptoms; some sort of mild but very annoying cold, oh well. I also know what I want out of life...I've known for a very long time what I want out of this life.

Hello, my name is Makino Tsukushi, I'm 22 years old and a college flunk out, my boyfriend isn't Domyouji Tsukasa but his parents seem to think he is. If he continues this "disappointing" life he's leading they're going to disinherit him. If he continues to live in the past, I'm going to end up alone. Things aren't always happy, they're not always great but I can say that if you don't like where you are in time, you can change it. If you're not changing it then you must not mind what's happening to you currently that much, must not want what's in the future to be what is in your present. I'll give you this, I'm a fighter, I fight for what I want; I leave home the day after I turn 18 even with the threat of going to jail, being alone and moneyless in a strange place because I know what I wanted, and what was worth it, throwing your everything into.

I know you're not me, but do you see where it's hard for me to sit by and do nothing? There are things in life people have control over, and things people don't. I don't have control over your actions, I only have control over my own; and where I want to take over your body and say all of the things you can say to me, to them, I can't. So I have to sit by and listen to you tell them to me, then watch back down to those people. Those people who aren't even worth me spitting at. I'm sorry that they're your parents, and I know you love them, but people who treat you like they do are monsters. They're monsters in human form. I wonder how you can be raised by people like them and end up as wonderful as you are. Shake your head all you want to, if there wasn't something amazing about you, I wouldn't be with you, I wouldn't go through this stress and heartache, and I wouldn't have given you the time of day.

I fear. I fear that this will go nowhere. This isn't old news...just useless fears. If it happens it'll happen, if not then it won't. What can I do? I want to say that I'm tired of waiting, but I'm not, I often feel numb about it. I know that if I think about it, I'll get excited because I'll have a real life boyfriend who isn't hundreds of miles away, who I can go on dates with and take to special places that I find. If I get excited about that my heart will hurt and I'll turn bitter when I see other people walking by holding hands. I'll also be disappointed in the end, won't I? I'm asking that question, and you'll tell me no, of course not...but right now I can't even imagine seeing you standing in front of me again.

You don't want to waste 23 years, you don't want to lose connection with your family like that, because if you leave to come and live with me you'll have nothing from that 23 years. You told that to me...

My automatic response to that statement was to feel sick to my stomach.

"What did I get myself into?"

"A waste? Spending your life with me, the person you say life isn't worth living without, and all you can say is you don't want to waste 23 years?"

"Was that a selfish thought from me? I would throw away everything for the person I love, but most people aren't me."

"'ll never change, their hate for me will never change, and he doesn't want to waste his 23 years. Break it off're wasting your own months thinking this will work."

"I'm not worth it."

Smokey had a much better reaction...

"How is it wasting 23 years? His parents are the one(s) wasting his life and ruining a chance to have a decent with him in the future. He needs to man up and realize if he never takes this chance, he'll be single, miserable, and still living with his parents at age 30."

Her statement is not only true, it hits just the right way I think.

Do something, you have the chance, people who will support you, who won't tell you how much of a disappointment you are everyday, who will love you unconditionally and who is willing to drive the 11 hours, pick your ass up and give you a place to sleep until we can get a place of our own! What else do you need?!

...honestly, why is it not enough? Why am I not enough?

Irony plays havoc on ones brain and heart. The last question...I've felt like I've asked this before, to another guy, after a rant. It's sad...that I feel like I need to ask that question, it's sad that I did.

You already went to bed tonight, you e-mailed me at like you had to be home. You didn't get online until 11pm, then decided thirty minutes later, after hardly even talking you wanted to go to bed. That's fine, but please don't tell me you want to talk to me, then wait so long to get online just to go to bed...I really could have used talking to you.

I could use that a lot, but something always happens on your end, and my crap just doesn't seem worth dumping on someone else.

I do that a lot too...most of the time actually. Keep things to myself because I don't want to dump it on others, and so far, nothing has happened that makes me want to change the fact that I do it. You can't handle your own issues, I'm not going to give you mine as well.

Sorry, but I can't see a point.

I've gotten to the point when I'm upset about something I don't want to talk to Jared, I want to talk to you. The problem with that is, is that we can only talk online, at night I guess since you're hardly ever on before 9pm without specific instructions, and by then I'm so frustrated with myself for thinking I could talk to you and use you as a soundboard just to get things off of my chest that I just don't want to talk at all. Or you'll be on, and something will be up with you. I don't mind that...I'd rather know how you're doing anyway.

This is babbling, the horrible kind where I'm pretty sure I've made a hypocritical statement somewhere in here, if not four or so...

This is the point of this journal though, to vent and babble so I won't keep it bottled up and just be an irritated bitch all of the time. A pretty good plan I think; need to stick to it more often.

I have a horrible shift at work don't want to go in. I would call in if it wasn't for the fact my parents will be home before I'm supposed to be home and then I'd have to tell them I'm skipping work and deal with that and just....urgh...

I'm sure I had more things to say, but I'm getting tired, and I've been typing for a while.

I love you, and want to talk to you...but you're not here, so I'll just do what I always do when I'm alone; get lost in my imagination and hope by the time I come back to reality I'm either asleep or happy.

Monday, December 14, 2009


Today I have spent most of the morning with my best friend, until our roles were reversed and she passed out on me for once.

I also had one of those days, a good day besides the fact that I started my monthly curse and have been cramping for a good two hours now.

I realized that I really have a great boyfriend.

I hope he knows that no matter how mean or bitchy I am.

Now, off to decorate my room with Christmas stuff and to do laundry!!

P.S. Did I get any real sleep last night? Hm...

Thursday, December 3, 2009


Naturally, being me, I haven't updated this in a while. I've wanted too, I've started too but then something shiny caught my attention and I was pulled away.

Not a whole lot of different has happened in...

Oh shiny.