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Monday, March 30, 2009

Dear God...I Need A Real Weekend...

Wasted...my night last night was so very wasted! Instead of staying up like I always do I went to sleep at a "decent" hour as some people would call it...and to me, it was a waste of good nighttime! Fucking hell. I could have been writing, or cleaning, or something other than sleeping needlessly because I'm still tired even though I slept alot!

Bah! Anyway, I wrote that first paragraph hours ago...it's not really 1:25 am and I have to be up at six to get ready for work, but what am I doing instead? I'm having a heart melting last episode of Mei-chan no Shitsuji, and by heart melting I mean it made my chest throb the ending was so nice. Hn...I'm such a very hopeless romantic. I want to live in a fairy tale, or something along the lines of the things I read and watch, you'd think I'd grow out of that by now! Mou, for the love of cheese...

I figured out some things about myself which came out of no where and were surprising and true. I don't need a boyfriend right now no matter if the hottest guy in the world were to ask me out. That's because I'd be a terrible girlfriend because of many reasons. The main one is, is that I'm not happy with myself so very often, the way I look or act, or the lack of ability to make new friends or be confident about things and I think that gives me a very negative aura. So! I'm going to start working on making myself better in my own eyes so I can be happier with myself so I can reflect that to other people so I can finally get a boyfriend! Mwahaha, my plan is complete! Now for the action...

Did I mention the ending of that was so good? God, a good ending finally on something, something that made me wholly satisfied...hn...going to sleep now.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Awake...

I've been awake almost all night! I went to bed at 11:45...and awoke at 1am and stayed up all the rest of the morning to be at work in about thirty minutes! Yaaay for bad ideas!

Hehehe, just saying hullo, and goodmorning, since this is so rare and all. Hope I can make it through the day and can horde lots of money for mountain dew!!

Monday, March 23, 2009

End of the Work Week!

So, I now have two days off after a grueling however many days I worked, fun fucking stuff right there people. Now I am watching The Fifth Element, chatting to several people and trying to finish editing a fanfiction that I started too long ago that just needs to be done and contemplating on eating something...hm.

Nothing interesting to tell, except for my Dad is a fucking lunatic...I mean that in the worst way possible too.

Aww...the blue lady is singing. Such a nice voice that short blonde french opera singer has...

Chris Tucker...<3 How I love you in this movie.

Not concentrating as you can see! So...onward, to the bat cave!

Thursday, March 19, 2009

In the End...I'm....

(Was posted on my old LJ)

In the end she decided to 'end' the friendship, because it's too frustrating because we haven't really been 'friends' in two years. So, of course she took me off everything possible including her LJ friends list and I think all it served to do was make me completely and utterly pissed.

This was the end result from her e-mail asking me why I never talk to her about my life and where I once again told her that I didn't talk to anyone, one person who caught me at midnight online whom I haven't talked to in a year just caught me at a bad time and stayed up talking with me until 4am, and because it made me feel good, I posted it on my other journal and from that this email message came eventually...:

"The thing is, Katie...We haven't really been "friends" in a good two years or so.So, I wish you all the best, but I can't stay friends with someone like this, it's too frustrating. Both friends have to make an effort.I've never had to end a friendship, so this is a first for me. I hasn't been an easy decision...

Please remember to believe in yourself. You are a strong girl.

Goodbye.

-Becca"


Maybe that's not a big enough picture for you to get how absolutely blood boiling this is for me, so I'll just post all three e-mails.
1st:

"I understand you are going through a rough time and I'm sorry for that. I would like to be there for you as your friend, but apparently you don't want to talk to me? I don't understand it. It's happening all over again. You don't communicate with me, yet you communicate with other people. You mentioned in your journal you talked with someone until 4am and that made you feel better...you're starting to have friends in Kentucky with Beth and Pam, which is great, I'm happy for you! But I just don't understand, Katie. Why won't you talk with me? It's driving me pretty crazy because I don't know how to think of you anymore. A friend or not? I've stopped trying to call you because every time I have, you never pick or even return my call.

Just tell me.

Why won't you talk with me?

-Becca"


Now the rough time she's speaking of, I believe is the fact that for four days I watched my mother dying in a hospital bed. I'm fucking sorry I'd rather post one big thing about it on a journal than have to tell people over and over again about it. But of course I haven't really been 'friends' with her in two years...I wonder if she ever got that fact that I didn't talk to her a whole lot ever, because I never talk to ANYONE about shit, I have my journal online that I load off on and that's about it. Maybe I don't like to relive things and tell them to people all of the time, which is something she's comfortable with, I'm am not that open of a person but she could never quite understand that apart of friendships is unconditional love, and being able to understand that people are very different from you, and being able to accept those differences. I sure as hell accepted her differences for as long as I can remember. When I got that e-mail, I think I just kind of closed it off, it's not the first time she's sent me and e-mail like that, and this isn't the first time I said something like this for several reasons.

2nd:
"The only reason I talked to him, was because he caught me at the right time and we haven't talked in a year. So yes, it was good to finally talk to him again. I don't talk to you because I don't talk to anyone, how many times do I have to explain that? If you're so upset about this all the time, then I'll leave the decision to stay friends with me up to you. I don't know what else to tell you Becca, I really don't...I'm sorry and that's all I can say I guess."


I don't want to make people suffer because of be, so I gave her the choice, it makes me soul-shakingly sad that the choice she went with was the one I'd never pick for us because who knows where the future would take us...

She gave me this card in my first year of college alot with this box of japanese okashi and I have it in this notebook I carry with me everywhere because it made my heart feel better just to look at it, it says; "Scissors beat paper. Rock beats scissors. Paper beats rock. Sisters beat anything. Happy Valentine's Day. Hang in there! Love Becca <3."

I guess people just don't understand me, and it's completely my fault. My friends help me just by being available, most things I just want to work out on my own because that's the sort of person I am. But that card, and the drawing of Itachi she gave me for one of my birthdays that's hanging on the wall, and the Sailor Chibi Moon she painted for me on my birthday that's hanging right next to that, or the Yuki card she made me with the "Baka Neko Productions" on the back with Kyo that's up there too, just looking at those everyday was something to keep me pushing on just a little bit harder. But of course she wouldn't know that...now she'll never know that because I've been taken completely out of her world.

After writing all of that crap, which I know is probably the tackiest thing ever to do but I was just so angry, and I think so incrediably hurt that I had to do something, not like she'll ever see; but now, now I think of how much I miss reading up on her blog everyday, which is something I did check everyday, and how the feeling won't come from those items she gave me anymore. I guess I'll go and pack them away and move on from yet another failed relationship that I fucked up overall.

I wonder if she still has that piece of paper I gave her in eight grade...the one that I wrote to her I'd be friends with her forever as long as she wanted me, I wonder if she threw that away too.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Endless loop...

Wake up, go to work, come home for lunch, deal with some sort of drama whether it be big or small and go back to work while trying to shake off the anxiety home caused. Go home from work after having a half a good day and a half bad day then start it aaaaaaaall over again after a useless night of whatever and a lack of sleep.

After tomorrow, two days off....YAY! ...only Dad is off the same two damn days. This'll be horrible. Good thing Pam and Beth offered for me to go out with them after they get off work on Wed so we'll see where that goes since I just got paid!

Beth wants to take me to a strip club...I turned red and laughed a bit hysterically then agreed. I'm sure it'll be an expierence...just, wow.

Did I mention I'm so tired of the 7am clock in time yet? No? Well I'm NOT A FUCKING MORNING PERSON YOU LOWE'S MORONS!

Bah.

I'm in a strange mood, just kind of...blank I think. Apathic, or something. I can't tell if I like not really caring or not, works for other people though, why not for me as well?

Hope it lasts through work tomorrow.

Night time.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

A Day...and Night to Remember.

I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could write down my day and night with almost exact details to remember the horrors of it and the extraordinary turn around my life took in one day. The first half of work went so well I thought I was dreaming...I was put in the lumber section and did nothing but draw for four hours with a total of ten customers coming through my section to be checked out. I like rainy Sunday's for that reason now...

Then the day turned to shit after lunch, which it always seems to do if I go home for lunch break which I have to do until I get my check put in the bank. I got requested time off rejected and I was yelled at twice, ignored several times and all around wanted to punch out this toad like managers ugly teeth out and strangle her with her pink sweater, the hag. Of course, only getting three hours of sleep after spending the night talking to a close friend about everything under the sun until four in the morning didn't help. (By the way, close friend, you have no idea how much you helped me. Just keep that in mind.)

But then I started talking to Pam, who is 41 years old but an awesome lady who lives with 24 year old Beth (vampire/movie/music lover like me). They invited me over for dinner and a movie, so we spent from 5pm to 11pm talking and drinking and laughing and watching scary movies and corny movies until we were all forced to separate for the night because of 6am awakeness times. Also found out that they're a couple that have been together for four years...robbing the cradle but so good together it warms my heart to see them. They are my kind of people...

Now Beth is making big plans to start dragging me off at night while Pammy is making big plans to have me lay in the sun with her and read books when it gets warmer and you mix that with their SEVEN awesome dogs, good food, great fucking company, and watermelon Smirnoff and it makes for one hell of a great night.

I'm so happy I could just fucking cry.

On another note, I apologize for not being able to stay awake for our date Sage but you probably forgot that you were seeing Ms. Kelly before you left, or are driving or something! We'll try again tomorrow?

And finally, the edge smooths out a bit...off to bed with you!

Never ending battle...(Completely emo and venting like, not really made to be read, just made to help myself.)

Everyday is a struggle...

Not just for me, but for most people. All I want to know is how they deal, how do most people who struggle, muck through the shit without completely losing their mind? What makes people capable of keeping their sanity, a special venting technique? Friends to rely on? Something that calms? What if your technique stops working and everything builds until you're head is spinning, your heart is pounding so hard in your chest you think you can feel bones crack, and you feel the hysteria bubble up within you without any self control left to hold it down?

What the fuck am I even talking about? I don't have it bad, there isn't anything wrong with my fucking life compared to most. I am a spoiled, idiotic fucking bitch who can't make something of herself because she can't stop fucking up.

Suck it up.

Deal with it.

Call me, I'll be there for you.

Just talk to me.

Is there anything I can do for you?

Katie, I'm worried about you.

You're scaring me.

You're crazy, what the hell is wrong with you?

Why are you crying?

Stop being an idiot.

Close down. Turn it off. Lock it away. Stay hidden forever. Leave me the fuck alone. Yes I have issues, so do you, look in the fucking mirror, look at the fucking world. End it. Hide. Run. Be fake. Smile. Laugh. Be convincing. Be real without being you. Just deal with it. Don't cry. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't be emotional. Don't be human. Don't take the bait. Breathe. Fade. Disappear, you're good at it...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Update...for some of you.

Just because I have yet to talk about it…I guess I’ll put it down since a lot of people still don’t know it happened.

What a morbid first post of the new month since I got lazy and skipped a whole one…oh well…

Dates aren’t important, they’re really not. Of course I’m saying this because I’m much to lazy to think back to dates, but a week ago…wow, it really was a week ago Mom and I went to the movies since I had the weekend off; we had a great time and I know it was Saturday, we saw two movies in a row Confessions of A Shopaholic and Push.

Wait, I don’t want to tell this story in full, so basically, very long story short. The next day Mom was sick, so sick I took her to the emergency room where after two very long days of waiting, and crying and watching my mother die we found out that she had Viral Encephalitis which kills 70% of people who contract it and don’t get meds within the first few days and which kills 30% of people who have had the meds. Then they think it’s the flu, it ended up being both…so after spending Sunday-Thursday with her at the hospital, not sleeping, smiling and taking care of her when she was awake and feeling like my chest was going to explode while I tried to stay sane, coherent and optimistic while she was sleeping, she got to go home, and is recovering nicely. I, on the other hand got to spend Sat/Sun throwing up my guts since she gave me her flu. Fun.

During which all of that, when my father wasn’t being a completely useless douche-bag because he can’t keep his head in a crisis, was biting off mine every five seconds because I was someone to take shit out on. This is after being an only child, not really having someone right there to cry to while taking care of my DYING mother and getting no sleep for 48 hours, then getting two hours of sleep the next day then maybe, MAYBE three the next if you add all of the cat naps together.

I sold my soul on top of it all. It just came out as I was walking out of Mom’s hospital room to call her boss on her worst day. I closed my eyes and tried to hold it together while thinking very clearly “I’ll give you my soul if you make her better.” Who knows who I was talking to, or where the thought even came from, I guess I was just that desperate.

But, aside from a few random anxiety attacks when I have to be away from her everything is fine now. She goes back to work full time next week, and life continues on as always.

And by everything being fine I mean, my car broke down, is now fixed, Dad’s truck has been broken down, that’s now fixed as well, I was late paying rent two months in a row back in Boone, Dad is a complete FUCKING BASTARD when he needs to be something much better for Mom’s sake and for mine (nothing new there) and I thought I loved my job and now I’m having second thoughts.

Self checkout, how I loathe you.

Now, for the good things. I got my first paycheck! Yaaaay~! It was $381.72 and all of it went to rent. XD. I opened a bank account here and when my first automatic check drops into it through Lowes I get $150 promotional free money! Yaaaay~! Today was sooo nice outside, and after I got off work I got to spend a little bit of time in the daylight and in the wind and that is always great, and I got an eggplant from work! It’s a plant in a ceramic egg. Too fucking cute, I had to get it!

I’m sure there’s more…but the fact that I really have to pee has me distracted.

So…