There was an error in this gadget

Friday, November 19, 2010

I Want To...

I want to write, but this is all that comes out.












Damn, and here I thought I could write something...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Iro Iro...Many Things...

Hello Greensboro, North Carolina. I have been living in you for four months now and it feels like it's only been weeks, slightly slow weeks, but weeks none the less. There have been struggles, hard struggles and there have been amazing changes thus far. I know a secret, can't share it yet, but I will when it's time. Whenever that may be.

Keith has his good days and bad days. Mostly good when he's with me (which is always since we are now sharing an apartment in the vast city of Greensboro), with a few times of severe lows. He's having trouble with his mother's death, naturally, but...I feel helpless when these lows come around and I want to be able to soothe his pain. He struggles with his very much alive father who keeps the tradition around of hating me alive for whatever reason him and Kathy had hidden away (other than the fact that I did not complete college ((yet)) ). That is something I've been trying to rectify with very little success and now Mr. Hill is going to be having hip replacement surgery which I believe is going to be impacting our lives greatly (and by our I mean, Keith's so that impacts me). I am dearly hoping he has the surgery in Greensboro, that way Keith can try and build up his relationship with his father more, if his father will have it. I have never seen a family like theirs and never wish to again if I can help it. Keith and I made a trip down to SC to replace the flowers on the family graves and of course went to visit his father, it was a painfully awkward trip for me which ended in greatness when we got to spend a few hours on the beach, just watching the ocean and that was very nice. We took pictures until my camera ran out of batteries.

We've been working at AON as temporary CSR's where we answer the phone and help people enroll for their 2011 benefits from difference companies such as MGM, Sony, Ryder, Harrah's Entertainment, etc. We have been working out asses off and are hoping to get full time jobs. I don't have much hope for that now, but it's been a good experience and has been allowing us to save up money. Our next purchase will be a real bed instead of the slowly deflating blow up bed we've been using. I haven't gotten to see my friend's hardly at all between working mandatory over-time and seeing my family and being just too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and I fear that it's harming my relationships with people. One person in particular. I feel like a shitty person for not seeing her, it's really sad too because we're so close together but with work, and the holiday season being here cluttering up our weekends I don't know when I'll get to see her. I hope she can forgive's not like I'm not trying to keep in touch or see her, life is just being difficult right now and not making much allowances for having a social life. I don't even get to watch my shows that I want to see. Castle, House, all of the J-drama and anime I want to catch up on, nothing. I haven't even been listening to my MP3 player, which is something (for those of you who know me) is SO out of the ordinary it's scary. Usually it's glued to my hand with the cords resting over my shoulder.

I need to clean the apartment. My apartment, did I mention I live in one? It's on the first floor and consists of a very small kitchen, a bed room, bathroom and a patio. I like it okay, it's a little dark for my taste, not a whole lot of natural light and we lack decent furniture (like...a couch?) so having company over is just embarrassing which is, if you're wondering why I haven't had you over the reason. I also need to do laundry, at the apartment owned mat just a few steps from our apartment building. It builds up over the week, and since we don't get home until around seven, don't get to eat until around eight and have to go to bed around ten I tend to neglect it during the week for other sleeping or just laying in bed wondering if my life is going to continue to consist of long days where I don't feel accomplished at all even though I'm making money.

This is the first time I've written anything since I moved, no fanfiction, no stories, no poems, nothing. My mind needs a good rest. Hopefully in these next few weeks I will have what I need, even if it is while I'm searching for a new job because this temp job is nearly up.

Well...I think that's enough stuff for now. Today is Keith's birthday and I'm going to go and make him a steak dinner.


Friday, July 2, 2010

My Dream

I was living with him, my cousin. In a small house that had a kitchen through the carport entrance with white linoleum floors and white walls. It was Jill's house in real life, in my dream it belonged to Nathan and I.

I don't remember how it started, just the traumatic feeling of being stuck inside of it.

I woke up slowly, to the sound of music coming from the room down the hall. I grumbled a bit to myself and stood, getting dressed and moved to his room. The sun was bright in the house, and his bed had dark covers.

Then my memory skips.

We're driving along a snow slush road, in a huge city that I don't ever remember seeing in real life. He's telling me that no matter what happens, he'll always be able to find me. I look at him and smile. Out of all of my family, I love him the most.

My memory of the dream skips again and I walk into the house, peeling off a sweatshirt and sit down on the edge of my bed. It's daylight outside, and I am more than ready to go to sleep. He walks in.
"Come on. It's time to go and see him" (He said a name, I can't remember it now)
"Really? It would have been nice of you to tell me that before I sat down and prepared myself for sleep." Things blur in and out of perspective because I'm feeling worried and concerned. "Him" He's a drug dealer, and my fear is justified but I don't want make him go alone. I go where he goes. We're family.

We're in the car, he's driving us up to the mountains and we're talking. I look at his face then down at his hand where his knuckles are purple and split from an injury earlier that week. I reach up and brush my fingers over his, careful not to touch his middle and ring finger which are also black and blue.
"Are you okay?"
He looks at me and I slip my hand under his, holding his hand.
"Of course I'm okay." He holds my hand back, and his hand feels just like I remember, rough, workers hands. He used to do construction, own his own business.
"What about the accident?" In real life, Nathan was just in a terrible accident, he walked away, but the woman he t-boned didn't, I don't know what's happened to her...the tests for him came back; alcohol:nothing drugs:nothing, I was so relieved, not going to jail...
"What about the accident, I mean, why didn't you tell me?"
He looked back at him as I brushed my fingers along his palm. He understood me and smiled.
Everything's okay. We twined our fingers together, I briefly thought that anyone who'd see us would think we're lovers. I knew that I loved him with all of my heart, and knew that we understood each other perfectly. We're family.
We pulled up at a gas station, Nathan got out and moved to the door.
"Come on."
I thought that surely a drug dealer wouldn't be using something so public as a gas station.
"I'm come to see him." Again, he said his name, but I can't remember it.
"Sorry, don't know anyone by that name." The stony faced gas attendant replied, I could see the ripple of panic move over Nathan's body, fueled by desperation and withdrawal.
"I'm telling you I'm here to see him! I already paid him all of my fucking money!!" He doubled over and I rested my hands on his back as he sobbed, tearless. I locked eyes with the attendant. "Sorry." I mouthed to him then he mouthed something back, glancing towards his right.
Surely the drug dealer wasn't really there...I looked over at a trailer, on stilts, no stairs going to the top and the entrance was four feet off of the ground. There wasn't a door handle on the rusted old door.
Nathan ran outside to the place, screaming that he knew it, he grabbed something, the door opened. I followed him as he leaped up into the doorway. I moved in as well, a sick feeling twisting my gut. He was going to get stoned again, fucked up, and we were going to be at the mercy of whoever owned this place.

I jerked awake as my mother moved into the room, she told me it's a beautiful day on the beach, I told her I'd be out in a minute. I shifted in bed, looked at the ceiling and made a decision...I wanted to see what happened, so I closed my eyes.

The room was dimly lit, it was like the inside of a dinner, except with carpeted floors. A bar was running along the right side, small booth-like tables along the left. And it was crowded, too many people, the air was too hot. Nathan moved to the bar, passed his ID to a thing man with glasses, his hair in long dreadlocks, he looked Hispanic, but I didn't stare. Instead, I held out my ID as well to him. He looked down at it, "Kentucky?" I looked at it as well, "I'm visiting from out of town." I had forgotten it still had my parent's address on it. He turned with it and walked away, keeping it. I felt the sickness grow, now I had put my parents in danger if anything went wrong. I looked down the bar. Nathan had a gold drink in his hand, beer I wanted to assume, but didn't. Around another gold drink sitting on the bar in front of him was an assortment of pills.
The same gold drink was set down in front of me as I moved to the bar, I didn't touch it.
"Don't take all of those pills." I whispered, wishing that Nathan could hear me, he drank, his eyes clouded with whatever drugs he was getting, his face not his own as he looked around the bar with a smile.
He sat there long enough to finish off another drink then stood.
"We'll be going now. Thank you for your generous hospitality."
I stood as well, everyone looked at us and my heart started to pound in my chest.
"You should really drink up." The dread lock guy said to me from behind the bar.
"No thanks, it's really not my thing." I said back as I moved to the door. Nathan followed, pulling out his wallet and tossing more cash the dealers way. People laughed and alarm bells went off in my head, already ringing, into overdrive. I gulped in the fresh air as I jumped down out of the doorway, was happy to see the cloudy skies and the pavement under my feet.
"Shit, Nathan, they didn't give me my license back." I turned towards the doorway to see people crowding Nathan, him leaning backwards out of the doorway as they jabbed needles into him, pumping him full of something.
"No!" I screamed and lunged forward, grabbing him under the arms and yanked him back, already crying through panic and a rush of adrinnaline. A syringe stabbed into my upper arm and I let out a furious scream and kicked out. A grunt had me knowing my kick landed and I dragged Nathan away from the place. Syringes stuck out of his body, and the one in my arm made the light grow dim slowly as I dragged him along the side of the road.
"Nathan!!" I screamed, the scream echoed around us, cars drove past, kicking up slush and ignoring us. People stared, but didn't stop to help as I pulled his unconscious body with me.
Fear had me moving fast, were they following us?
"Nathan!!" I screamed again, until my voice cracked. He had to wake up, he couldn't be dead. A firetruck moved past us.
"Hey, stop!!" I screamed and a young guy slammed on the breaks, looking at me through the window, annoyed at the interruption.
"T-they have my license!" I screamed and he nodded quickly then sped off.
The world was spinning now, my grip remained tight as an ambulance pulled up.
"Thank you..." I said as the last thing I saw was the ground coming up to meet me. The last thing I heard was a voice, annoyed saying. "Didn't say you could pass out yet."

"Oh good, you're awake." The nurse above me with dark haired pulled into a bun and one of those old nurse hats faded in and out of perspective.
"Nathan..." I mumbled and she frowned as the room went dark again.

"Honey, you really need to wake up and eat." I opened my eyes, I was sitting up in bed, but my vision was tunneled. The nurse this time had short curly blond hair, my head lolled and everything went dark again.

"You have got to get up! There is no way you're still feeling the affects of the drugs." I was on my knees now, looking up at the dark haired nurse as she grabbed my shoulders angrily.
"What's going on?! I don't understand what's going on!!" I screamed, grabbing her shirt in desperation. I swayed and the room went dark.

I opened my eyes and I was standing, my brain felt suddenly clear as I looked at the short haired blond nurse. "You really need to calm down darling." She said to me as she moved towards my IV with a syringe.
"You, it's been you drugging me!" I looked down, a cup of coffee sat on the table next to me, I grabbed it and threw the substance at her, she laughed.
"Always the same thing, every time you figure it out. You're so predictable." She looked amused, ducked a bit when I hurled the cup at her, it smashed again the wall and I lunged, fully expecting to get stabbed by the syringe. I grabbed her arm and she was surprisingly weak as I held her hand still.
"What are you going to do? Stab me with it?" Her eyes were laughing, I blinked a few times, I hadn't thought to do that and with a vicious snarl I turned the needle towards her neck and stabbed her between the neck and shoulder, pumping the drugs into her before shoving her away from me. She stumbled back, fell back into the curtain and into the wall without a sound. She glared hard at me.
"Where the fuck do you think you can go?!" She shouted as she pulled out another syringe, I didn't have the time to be horrified as she stabbed it into her chest, where her heart was with a groan of pain, I just turned and ran from the room. I moved down the hallway, grabbing a long coat along the way and tugged it on. An alarm went off and the door I had gotten to had snapped shut, locking.
"Open this goddamn door right now!"I looked up at a man next to me, a doctor in scrubs and felt my heart sing as the door snapped open. I moved to the main doors, it was snowing outside and everything just looked gray. I ran out of the door, and didn't stop running.
Nathan, where was Nathan? Those thoughts flew through my mind as I ran along the street, barefooted through the slush, I wouldn't stop. He said he would find me no matter what, and I wasn't about to get caught again.
I glanced to my left as a car pulled up, a dark silver car, the door swung open. Nathan looked at me, his face serious but relieved. I felt tears gather in my eyes as I jumped into the car.

Before the door closed I woke up. It had been a little under two hours since Mom had woken me up this morning.

I found myself debating on whether or not I should call him today, so far I've decided against it. My thoughts may change though.

It was the most detailed dream I have had in a long time...I wonder if I could see what would happen in the end if I went back to sleep.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Beach-Day Two: Swimming and Swimming and More Swimming...

I woke up at 6am as my alarm went off for an hour before that.

I walk out onto the deck where my mother, Jill and Camille are and am once again overtaken by the beauty of the beach.

Booyah bitches, I managed to see the sunrise without staying up all night.

How is that for dedication?

Ate cinnamon rolls for breakfast with organic milk that Jill bought. Apparently everyone thought it tasted really good but me, I thought it tasted weird because it was in a carton. I'm not used to that...but oh well.

Two hours later the kids all eventually woke up and I decided that I was going to go down to the pool for a swim/laying out in the water and tanning thing.

Mom had already put sunscreen on me...

12 hours later with a few 10-30-min breaks in between I got out of the pool, ate dinner. Saw the amazing moon and then came downstairs to my room where I have the fan going on fully blast and am trying to talk to Keith but can't seem to be awake enough for that.

My hands and arms are burnt, typing hurts, but I told myself that I needed to write in this every day and so that's what I'm going to do.

I guess I'm going to bed now, since I've typed the rest of this with my eyes closed and nothing else going on except for the occasional clicking by Keith as he looks through something or is playing a game or something.

Tired now.

More tomorrow.

Beach-Day One: The Trip and the House.

The ride down was hot and humid.

Mom and I rode in the SUV, loaded down with luggage, beach chairs, camera's laptops, just...everything and we absolutely had a ball.

Music blasting and four hours later with four stops (for those who actually have the ability to pee in public restrooms) we made it to Emerald Isle and to the beach house.

I walked in and was absolutely speechless.

I mean...holy god.

Fucking hell this place is amazing.


So amazing.

I mean, words just can't describe.

Five bedrooms, eight beds, kitchen, dinning room, living room, four bathrooms, wrap around deck, pool table with pinball machine in a bar like room, and the house has it's own elevator...

Not to mention the view sitting in the living room with a wall full of basically nothing but windows is all beach and ocean...all...nothing else. Just miles and miles and miles of open water.


Did I mention we have our own pool?

Kiss my ass, we're never leaving...


The first day we went swimming in the pool until sunset, then we sat on the beach for an hour or so, ate dinner then was treated to the view of the full moon on the ocean.

Oh, who's we?

Jill who is Mom's older best friend, she's 60. Her daughter Camille who is 40, and her three kids, Julie who is 11, and the twins Lee and Kelly (named after my mother) who are 8. Then of course my mother and I.

Time to eat breakfast now. At the table, overlooking the damn ocean.

It's fucking great.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dreams Of The Damned

I had a horrible nightmare this morning. I had already woken up several times but decided to continue to go back to sleep being the dog and I were so comfortable.

Maybe that was such a good idea.

And maybe, to some people this nightmare wasn't horrible, but for me I couldn't escape it fast enough.

I don't remember where it started, because the end was so devastatingly over emotional that it kind of drowned the rest of the dream out, but Sage and I were in our first apartment. Amazingly enough it looked like a combination of my parents' house in Greensboro and a Japanese house. We lived by what I imagine to be the water plain with the train going through it in the movie Spirited Away (Shown above). (Listened to a song from that last night, looked at pictures of the old house a few days ago, listened to the sound of rain last night) The water was green instead of blue though, and it sparkled in the sunlight.

Anyway, to get on with the dream, basically his grandmother (Who is already passed away IRL) is very sick and what not. I go to work one day, come back and he's sitting on the counter, talking on his phone to his mother (Who has also passed away IRL) and when he sees me he hangs up and has this very serious face and aura about him. He tells me he's leaving that his grandmother is sick and that he needs to go. Well, me being the irrational person I am in this dream apparently tell him not to go, but that might have something to do with the fact that instead of him packing a bag, he instead has packed everything he owns and already has his bag on. I can't figure out why he isn't talking to me about it, I tell him that he can't go and leave me there alone that I can't do everything on my own. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me with sad eyes and a blank face. I smack him, yelling at him to talk to me. He ignores me.

The dream skips a bit, I run into the house and he is about to walk out of the door and he's on the phone with his mother. I'm crying and screaming for him not to leave, apparently she's yelling at him on the other end of the phone as well and he yells at us both to just "shut the hell up". Stunned I go quiet as my heart squeezes in my chest.

Now at some point in time, I think the real me, not the dream me starts realizing there are things wrong in the dream, like...why in the hell am I trying to stop him from leaving to see his sick grandmother when I'd do the same to him? And why does he have so many things packed if he's just going to see her?

A bit later in the dream he tells me he's going to be gone for a few months, and that we're not going to talk to each other or something of the like. I of course have an even greater breakdown and a friend door maybe...? comes into the house as I'm having a full out sobbing and panicking attack on the floor and Sage just turns and walks out.

Now, if only I could describe the feels of pure sickness when I woke up after this dream. I mean, it was so emotionally damaging that I had been crying in my sleep which is not an easy thing to do!

Alas, I have been able to rationalize quite a bit of the dream and have been pushing it from my mind for most of the day. But it still bothers me once in a while.

Damn real life for interfering with what's supposed to be mine, I wanted to dream about making out with Gackt again goddamn it!

I wish I could have described that dream better, but it's hard since it's slowly slipping from my mind anyway.

Abandonment fears maybe? Just fears in general from the big change that is coming fairly soon? Who knows...but I would like to keep the nightmares to a minimum if at all possible. Kthnx.

Saturday, May 22, 2010


Hhifoehwnhi8ASI*GB8ibVGDS KNLMBea
egIONHPIORH)))))(gggggggggeiongklaoih4aih904ht8I4390QHIOERNAGI9*$)*y$t))(#hnbKnih$*()#(hgbnRKEHAZEHG&*(*(@*(*T#IHGIGVKHIHFhgrgiaohngegnreklnvnhdfiohnfdklndfszponhdioirre=erareihnyioan akisignih mre rgaED?Gfahtra;ahpa]r\h=rheao][pfdhlalfdnhiahi84t9&((#($Ujtopi??RH


...that is how I'm feeling right now.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sick, Sitting and Sniffling.

So I watched a really good movie by accident.

It was an accident because I meant to download the first movie, but ended up with the second. Torrents are killing me, and killing my hard drive space.

What's the movie? Oh yeah, it's called Appleseed Ex Machina, but what I wanted was the first Appleseed movie but it was so good anyway. Think I said this. Sorry.

Listening to music now. Finally decided to check out 30 Seconds to Mars, so now I'm listening to one of their CDs (also torrent-ed, but totally just to see if I want to buy one of their CDs) Some stuff is good, but I'm not really impressed over all. Then again, I'm really picky about my guy's voices. Hm...

I'm sitting here sweating buckets. And I can be in 100 degree weather and barely sweat at all. I can feel it running down my back and I have the air blowing on me at 67 degrees and still it's like...urgh. I'm tired, well my body and eyes are but my mind is reeling. If I were breaking my fever wouldn't it have stopped by now? I mean really, this has been going on for an hour now and if I shed anymore clothes I'll be naked. Which normally I wouldn't mind if I'm like, sleeping or something but I'm not. I'm sitting up in bed on my laptop.

I feel gross, I want to take a shower. Maybe I will as soon as I stop this sweating thing. I really think I will.

I want to write. I have ideas in my head but I can't form them into pictures/movies/sounds or however it is I think when I write. Weird isn't it? I want to work on things, and I have ideas for things but nothing is coming out of my head. Feels like there's a fuzzy wall. I blame...something, not sure what. Lowe's I guess, for my lack of brain power. Oh well.

Moving on...

Suddenly I'm very sleepy, should I try and sleep? I think I might. Though I'm in one of those moods where when I think about sleeping I start to get anxiety.

Shit, now I feel sick to my stomach...

Going to go and yak now.

Have fun myself.

Monday, April 12, 2010

The Day of 34 Days

Starting from today I have 34 days to finish writing my book!

It will be hard, it will be grueling and I'm sure it'll kick my ass but no matter what I'm going to do it!

Good luck, myself!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Phoebe Prince

She was 15 when she hung herself in the rear stairwell of her parent's and her apartment home because of being bullied at school.

The school was informed about the bullying "a week before" she killed herself and did nothing.

The six children that bullied her relentlessly are being charged.

Other than a deep, deep sadness that I felt when I read that article I thought "If only I went to the same school as her. I would have protected her."

I'm so sorry Phoebe Prince...

I don't know you, or even know what you look like, but my heart hurts for you.

I hope you're in a better place.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Work Day Blues

I have to be at work in about an hour...and I so don't want to go.

I don't know why I don't want to go. That's the worst's not like I hate the place, it's not like I mind the work, it's not like I do a whole hell of a lot down in lumber after five.

I wonder what it is then...

Well, whatever it is, it's annoying the piss out of me, and I don't like it!

Hopefully I won't be as emotionally wrecked today either...

Yesterday was special....bad special...

Let's not have a repeat, shall we?

Friday, March 19, 2010


So we're sitting outside.

It's been a really nice day and I actually got up before noon for once!

Zack called be around 9am and I talked to him for an hour then I called Kayla and talked to her for an hour then I sat outside and hung out in the sunlight with the dog for about an hour.

Maybe I got a bit of a tan...

I also wanted to make a cake, so I spent a half an hour on the phone with Sage as I tried to find a decent lemon cake recipe and ended up settling on a lemon pound cake. So two hours of stress and baking later I ended up with a perfectly pretty looking lemon pound cake!

Haven't had any yet....

After all of that baking and cleaning I don't really want to have any.

I wonder if it's good...


Yes so, we went out to dinner, in which I had some catfish.


And some mac'n'cheese.

It was decent I guess but now we're here.


In the sunlight while mom practices with her camera, she's having a ball.

It's nice to see her smile and laugh and have a good time.

Kind of reminds me of being in Greensboro right now...

Well, I suppose I will go now and finish the latest chapter of Which Way Is Up.

Ja ne.

Monday, March 15, 2010


So, I've been having fun yesterday and today updating, writing and creating new/old fanfiction and just looked at my readers list and was absolutely amazed. I have readers from the following places...O___O:

United States, Canada, France, Philippines, Malaysia, United Kingdom, Germany, Singapore, Australia, Italy, Nigeria, Republic of Korea, Bahrain, India, Spain, Greece, Belgium, Romania, Netherlands, Pakistan, Taiwan, Jordan, Sweden, Hong Kong, Lithuania, Russian Federation, Brunei Darussalam (Never even HEARD of that place before), Finland, Mexico, Argentina, Switzerland, and Brazil.

I mean...holy shit! So far today over 300 people have read my stories and so far this month 743 people have read them. This is so...inspiring I guess. I'm totally addicted to reviews so I guess if I can get a book published I'll have people sending me fan mail, maybe?

I don't know how that works, but I look forward to it!

Onward, to writing once again!!


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

And Yet Another 15 Minute Challenge!

Place:Yoga Class
Color: Ivory

The sound of shoes slapping on hard concrete did nothing to lessen her concentration as she breathed in and out deeply. Her center was good, her balance was excellent, and her inner peace was high on the scale of kick ass.

The sound grew louder and her eyebrows furrowed as she tried harder to zone out of this world and into the world of soft flowing water over smooth rocks, chirping crickets and a cool breeze that helped her next deep breath take her into yet another stage of self relaxation.

“Stop touching me!”

“I’m not touching you!”

Her eyebrow twitched as she lifted her arms above her head then back down to the floor, stretching out her back as she balanced on a rock above the wonderful stream.

“Mom, Mom, Mom…” The birds chirped and she clenched her jaw, focusing on the soft green of the plants around her and the blue skies above. “Mom, Mommy! Mommy, Mommy!”

“Don’t bug her you poophead!, she’s having ‘class!’”

“Shut-up you pink piggy! You can’t have class with just one person!”

“Mooom! He called me a piggy!”

“A PINK piggy!” The peaceful world suddenly was ripped away, along with her inner peace, her center and all of the patients she had built up as she went falling face first into the stream and landed down on the hardwood floor.

Water splashed her face and as she opened her eyes and looked up slowly their ivory colored dog stood above her, tongue hanging out as drool rolled off the end of it and dripped down onto her face.

“Urgh!” She jerked to sitting, looked over at her kids tangled in a heap of hair pulling and biting and wondered what she did to be cursed with such a morning.

“Ow! Owowowow! You bit me! Rabies! Mad cow! H1N1!!” Her son cried as he scrambled away from his younger sister, clad in pink with blonde hair pulled back in pig tails. She grabbed onto his ankle and dragged him back with all of her might. “Mom! Mom help me!” He cried as he became her personal floor pillow.

She shook her head and stood, wiping her drool covered face on her tank top then looked out of the window at the snow falling.

“God, I wish you two had school.” She complained as she rolled up her yoga mat and smacked them over the heads with it.

How she hated snow days.

Another 15 Minute Challenge!

Place:Down town cafe

The rain ran down the glass slowly, making the picture of the city behind it blur in and out with the soft waves. It’s quiet patter louder than the roar of the ocean on a stormy day in the empty room surrounded by those glass windows. Dust covered the window benches, covered the tables, covered the amber orbs that hung from the ceiling that no longer gave light to the old café; that no longer gave life. The wooden floor was cracked and broken, the darkness of the holes beneath the splintered pieces gave little hope for the building to be anything other than what it was; condemned. Yet the city continued to run, lives continued on, and people still walked even on the rainy day. If time had stopped for the café that used to flourish and prosper with life, the smell of teas and coffees, of cakes and muffins, the sounds of quiet chatter and a tinkling laugh of a woman high off of happiness; then time had continued on as the bones of mice, starved, laid strewn across the kitchen counter.

No one cared, no one bothered to pause in their daily lives to wonder what had happened to that magical place, it has simply faded out. Disappeared into the shadows that were cast by the buildings that erupted around it. It was a loss, but one that no human had paused to consider.

15 Minute Challenge!

Place: Museum
Color: Green

She crouched down slowly, staring at it, green eyes to blue. What the hell was it? Reaching out to touch the strange creature a yard stick cracked down on top of her hand with a sound loud enough to echo through the domed room. She gasped and stood straight quickly, pulling the wounded hand to her chest and glared at her teacher.

“I understand you have trouble in school, but I was unaware you couldn’t read the “DO NOT TOUCH” sign.” She turned and watched the teacher gimp off after a stray group of students and she blew out a harsh breath, her bangs moving out of her eyes.

“You belong in a museum with that kind of sign around your neck, you wrinkly old fossil.” She grumbled and poked the creature quickly in spite before moving out of the hall and into the next exhibit.

The lights were dim and something reflected blue lights onto the walls making her feel like she was deep underwater. She shuddered as she moved to a large dark tank of murky water that stretched to the ceiling.

“Great, Loch-ness lives here?” She leaned and cupped her hands on the glass to block out the reflection of light and leaned her forehead against her hands, peering in. “I don’t see anything.” Muttering she stood on her toes and leaned a bit against the glass to look from a different angle.

“Maybe you’re not looking hard enough.” A low voice whispered in her ear and she gasped, jerking back as her heart leapt into her throat.

“God! You scared me to death you stupid creep!” She shifted her bag, swung and hit the boy doubled over in laughter hard enough to knock him over into the glass. “You shouldn’t sneak up on someone like that!” She hissed then looked quickly at the glass as a large crack appeared in the transparent surface. “Oh, oh hell. Oh god.” She backed up until she thumped her back against the far wall as more cracks split off from the first.

“Well, James, so nice to see you again! I must be going now!” She shrieked as the glass exploded and water poured out as she ran from the room and down a long hallway covered in paintings. “Must run faster, must run faster! Must run…oof!” She grunted as a large arm caught her around the waist and hauled her up off of the floor.

The End! XD

Monday, March 1, 2010

Of Course...

I feel sick.

Am I really such a person?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Nothing Like...

Nothing like a heart muscle spaz to throw up the red flags and have you thrown in the hospital for four days and $40,000 later get to go home in the worst weather possible.

It might be a six hour drive that should only take one and a half on a normal day but it'll be good to get back up the mountain and to the house.

I can't wait to see all of the snow that's piling up!

Pictures for the win!!

P.S. Pa is doing great, nothing serious!

Winston-Salem, I Still Hate You. But Since I'm In North Carolina...

Here I sit, looking out of three huge bay windows at several buildings of Forsyth Hospital and at the sun that's rising.

It's 7am.

Today my grandfather goes in for fairly simple heart surgery, only 1 out of 100 people die. Please don't be the one.

Somehow he managed to weasel his way to second on the list of getting surgery this morning. So I guess they'll take him about nine. He's been here since Friday and of course without his cigarettes he's going crazy and driving everyone else the same.

If anything, at least he has a damn good view for a hospital room.

The sky is red now.

Sailors be warned.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Look Dude...I'm Not A Morning Person...

...even if my morning is at one o'clock in the afternoon.

Fettuccine Alfredo is what I'm having for breakfast. Mom made some last night (with chicken) and I'm totally in love. Then again, anything you can add a big gob of cheese to to make it even better is almost always wins points with me!

And just because I say I'm not a morning person, doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you in the morning, just don't expect me to remain in a good mood when the first thing you really do is go on a wild haired tangent about getting laid off which you knew you were going to anyway (really, it sucks, I understand that but...) for the first ten minutes of our conversation and then pick on me about the way I'm speaking or that I saw things wrong. Let's see, I only told you that I had been asleep for five hours a good three times, and every time you asked me a question about something or wanted my input NOT only did you NOT let me finish what I was saying before you interrupted you also went off on some random story of your own NOT commenting on what I had said at all and generally acting like I hadn't said anything at all.

So! If you're wondering why I haven't been talking to you except to say the usual one syllable words or an occasional "uh-huh" or "oh yeah?", it's because you talk over me, don't listen because you're too busy thinking about what you're going to say next or just in general don't give me a real chance to say anything!

Now do you understand why I'm not as enthusiastic as you when you talk about how "great our future is going to be"? Because I, currently, can't get past how completely and utterly self absorbed you are!

If it was just what was happening around you, right now, and what happened with your Mom that caused you to be this way, I'd be a hell of a lot more understanding. But considering for the past seven months, it continuously gets worse, I'm sorry that this is bad timing but I think I'm coming to the end of my rope for tolerating it!

So be a grown up, reflect on your actions, and consider my feelings on the situation, because as much as I'm sure I seem like a cold hearted bitch, I really do feel things, I swear.

Of course what sucks is the extreme guilt that comes after typing all of that because I feel like I shouldn't complain with the situation you're in, but I also think that I'd let you use that excuse for the rest of your life or let people use it for you to weasel out of being a grown-up, or just a decent listener in general.

Urgh, okay. Stopping now. There is my rant that I've been burning the ears off of a good friend with and now just finally got it completely off of my chest.

If/when you read this, keep in mind that this has been bottled up for a good while, so forgive the harshness of it and just read and understand the real meanings behind it. Please. Don't make me explain things again and don't focus on the wrong parts.

Read it a million times if you have to, and use a dictionary for the big words.

Okay...done being snarky now.

Going to finish my breakfast.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Last Day of Freedom, Oh What to Do?

Maybe I could follow the Under Ground Railroad out of here!

So, there's supposed to be this big winter storm everyone's talking about (outside of this house that is, which I haven't been, in four days now). I'm hoping that we do get the seven or so inches but by the way the sun is shining outside, we'll be lucky if we see clouds.


Well, it's could enough outside, that's for sure.

Now, what shall I do on my final day off? I don't have a whole lot of time before Dad gets home from work so, I think I might put on some loud music and start cleaning.

Erm...I better run and do that right this instant or I'll lose motivation!

So, bai!

P.S: This is my 100th post! Yaaaay!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sunlight Is The Devil.

This is my third day of being off work and I think I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Of course, with the exception if beating a video game or two. I thought that Mom would be upset with the fact that I haven't done anything yet on my four days off, but she seems content to just come home, ask me if I made any progress on Tomb Raider and sit with me in the T.V. room watching her shows on her computer while I play video games. She even pauses her shows to watch me do something and I hear a "Whoa!!" in dread as I nearly get killed or something. Scares the crap out of me. It's funny.

I'm seriously considering eating sushi for breakfast. But there is also hot pockets, cake, ice cream, and chicken salad sandwich to choose from as well. I think I might go with cereal, it worked wonders yesterday.

Oops, dog wants to go out.

Possibly more later.

Monday, January 25, 2010

As If...

Many people say that disaster comes in threes. If this is all that is happening to me for a while, I really hope that's true.

1-On the way home from work one rainy night, I turn on my lights on bright and all of the lights in my car cut off. Freaking out, I flip them back on to normal and everything comes back on right. So, when I get home, thinking that something really weird happened and that I should test it again, I flip my brights back on. Nothing happens with exception of the brights coming back on. Yay, great. Nothing's wrong! But...I think it's the battery so I tell Mom. She says "We'll get you a new battery this weekend". Yay, great, going to get a new battery, everything's all good. I walk outside the next rainy morning, turn my car on, it starts without a problem and I drive to work. Get out of work get in my car and of course it won't start. Next day get a battery, put it in, Yay! It starts and I'm on my happy way.

2-Next day go to work, work, get out of work in the pouring rain, get in my car, start it up and it starts jerking and making this god awful noise. So! I turn it off, turn it back on and it won't start. Try again, it turns over like it wants to start, but doesn't fire. What? Fucking...what?! The starter?! What is it?! Dad thinks I ran out of gas (seriously? I've never run out of gas and the gas gauge is above empty for christ sakes!) Mom is going to come and help me out, she has to finish getting ready. I'm good, a little cold and wet from the rain but perfectly happy to wait while sitting in my car and listening to my MP3 player. Mom calls back, Dad wants to go since he just has to change. Great, fine, whatever. Dad calls me a few minutes later saying he doesn't have the gas can and that I need to go and get one from Walmart. Jesus christ, it's pouring rain and it's an at least five minute walk what's the goddamn difference between me waiting an extra FIVE whole minutes for you to get there so you can drive me to the store and I get go in and get one?! I tell Mom, Mom gets pissed "This is why I wanted to go damn it." (My thoughts:Well, you didn't you let my fucking short tempered Dad who is going to get me sick because it's 35 degrees and POURING RAIN!!). So, walk to Walmart, walk back out, by the time I get back to my car I am absolutely soaked including my shoes and my jeans up to my knees where the water was splashing on by let's see, puddles, moving cars, the POURING RAIN!! Anyway, put gas in the car (him cursing up a storm in my work parking lot none the less and it starts, but OH WAIT it still sounds horrible and it's jerky! Dad says it's because the gas hasn't cycled through, whatever, I hit the gas peddle, it doesn't help, it has to go to the shop anyway to get my breaks done, I manage to drive it over there, my hands shaking because I figure it's just going to fall apart in the middle of the road and I really, really love my car. Get it there nice and fine, Dad figures that it's the fuel line that's full of crap since I ran out of gas and that the filter is getting blocked so all they have to do is flush it out. Good, whatever. Let's go, I'm fucking cold and wet.

3-Today; today I wake up to the fact that there's a freaking blizzard outside when it wasn't supposed to snow at all. It was fun to watch and all but damn, these weather people in Kentucky need some help. Dad gets home, Mom hasn't called me at all today, and the first thing he says "I can't believe your car is going to cost us $1,000 dollars." I just stare at him. "Your Mom hasn't called you?!" Uh no, fucker, she hadn't... So naturally, I feel sick, so freaking sick that I just kind of back up and sit down at the kitchen table. Apparently, my back break drums were bad too, so they naturally had to replace them as well. Oh but wait, it gets better. I think, okay, the car is done, I just have to save up more money, pay Mom back (Of course, all of my savings are seriously depleted at the moment thanks to my precious car. The savings that I wanted to keep for the fact that I want to move to NC with my boyfriend, not that that's in the future really now. More on that later.) and everything will be just fine. Mom calls Dad, Dad talks, hangs up, storms into the living room cursing and punching the couch and I'm thinking "Great. My nerves are already shot, but go ahead, pile it on." The car place says that my car skips gears, whatever the fuck that means, I've never heard it do that, but whatever. Dad says that means there is something wrong with the transmission and that's a "major expense" and that Mom is coming home to pick me up because my car is done. I'm thinking, it's done? It has apparently a major problem and you say it's done? He forgot to mention that the body shop that we took it to can't do the rest of the repair work it needs. Thank you god, I now have an ulcer.

I know compared to may people my problems are jack shit, but that doesn't mean I'm any less stressed out by the fact that I don't have the money to cover it all, that my parents are going to have to help and Mom is already upset about so many things so that's only go to make it worse, I may lose my car because hey, it's fucking 11 years old and it's NEVER had a transmission replaced. I'm stressed out because I think too much, because there's a chance for me to take a promotion at work but not only will it make me miserable because it's a horrible job, I'll probably continue to have these anxiety attacks that I can't do anything about because I don't have insurance. Since everyone else is having so many horrible problems, I feel like I shouldn't complain, so I'm keeping it in and it's making it worse.

These four days were supposed to be my vacation...

Fuck it.

P.S. Fuck you too, fate and the horse you road in on to ruin people's lives.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Skipping Is For Big Kids...

Totally didn't go to work today.

Woke up, said "I don't want to go." and for once, I didn't. Mom actually approved too, it was great. She got home from her dentist appointment and we talked for a few hours, it was nice. Finally, time home alone with Mom without Dad interjecting/interrupting/irritating/irrationally going off at something we say. That's a lot of 'i's.

Dinner time. Will post more later, if I feel like it.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The EverChanging Post!

Okay, this is a list of things I need to accomplish today! I'll write it all down here then mark it off as I go, altering the post each time!

(V )Clean Room
( )Set up Desk
( )Start Boards
(V)Journal Entry
(V)Separate Laundry
( )Purple Book
( )Find Yoga Videos/Music
( )Download Pictures
(V)Charge MP3 Player
(V)Organize MP3 Player

These are my things for tomorrow!
(V )Start Laundry
( )Thank You Cards
( )Clean Inside of Desk
( )Set up Notebook for New Story
( )Organize Bathroom
( )Purple Book
( )Drawing Book
( )Book Shopping
( )In depth Outline
( )Finish Anything from Day One
( )Yoga
(V)Change Calendar
( )Take Apart Old One

Organization is Key! Making it out here for everyone to see might be motivation for getting things done! Good Luck Myself!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Self Driven, Self Loving Book Shopping.

Today I had therapy.

It was one of the best therapy sessions I have ever had.

Today, after work (which wasn't so bad) I went book shopping with my $75 worth of gift cards to Barnes and Noble. I ended up buying three new journals, a notebook, Heat Wave by Richard Castle, and Grimms Complete Fairy Tales.

Here are a few pictures of what I got.

Going tomorrow for more Yaoi manga. ^^ Wish me happy huntings.


Please don't go.

I spend this holiday alone, watch the sunrise alone, I didn't even get to talk to you when the time was "important". It's not your fault...don't feel guilty. Good conversations happened tonight with you and your Dad. Maybe it'll help you work things out there...

...but I was thinking; please don't leave me alone.

I felt clingy and useless, I felt like my heart was going to be crushed inside of my chest every time you asked me what was wrong. I don't want to show weakness to you for some reason, and it's so terrible when I do.

Stay with me...

I didn't watch the ball drop because I didn't want to see people getting to celebrate when here I was, sitting at home alone. Isn't that stupid? Is it jealous and bitter? I know it shows what kind of person I am on the inside, not good. I've tried to tell you.

My chest hurts now, and I almost wish I would have told you not to go. That you could suck it up, like I do so many nights when I don't want to leave you. But I won't, I'm me, and you're you, and there are things I can do that you can't and there are things you can do that I can't.

Four more hours until sunrise and suddenly I feel very tired...this year I won't make it all night again; I can't do it on my own.

I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it, so I think I'll go to bed now.

Today we've been together for seven months.

Happy New Year.