tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76873769296176721012024-03-13T15:47:19.274-04:00ランダム狂詩曲タイトルを見てください。RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.comBlogger118125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-45028116428719741952011-09-26T15:09:00.002-04:002011-09-26T15:20:55.273-04:00A New Day...This weekend Sage and I drove up to see my parents in Kentucky and had an absolutely wonderful time. Dad took us to a lake where we all tried out his Kayak and now it needs to be said that I want one! It was so much fun, and it was so relaxing and peaceful. I would love to do it more.<br /><br />I also talked to my mother about my future a bit which was really difficult. I knew her feelings on my not working would be strong and she supports me but she really kind of gave me some good advice. If I'm not working on making money, it's okay if I am going to be a housewife, but I need to work on something, I need to work on myself. <br /><br />I was thinking of what I could work on for myself. And that answer was simple enough. I need to lose weight, I am so unhealthy that I get winded doing the simplest of tasks, I'm not as strong as I used to be which is really a bothersome thing and I love to be active, so why am I letting myself turn into a couch potato blob? I also need to work on feeling like I've accomplished something in my life.<br /><br />So I did some research, I feel like I can't make it as a teacher, but I would still love to work with kids, so I applied to GTCC to start in their Early Childhood Education program that will give me an Associates degree and let me be able to work in many different child care facilities. Which would be an exciting thing for me.<br /><br />Then last but certainly not least, I want to be a writer. So I really need to get into the routine of writing at least 90 minutes a day, make it a habit and finish my book that I've been working on forever. <br /><br />There are so many things I need to do, and it's hard doing them, especially since my main driving force is my mother and she's so far away. She's my support buddy and I don't have her close by and where Sage is great and supportive he doesn't push me to do anything, and I need to be pushed. <br /><br />So here I am, having applied to GTCC, filling out my FAFSA, and trying to figure out some healthy meals to make.<br /><br />I went to bed early for me last night, around 1am, but I still slept until 1pm and I was so tired when I tried to wake up at 9. But the going to bed early is a start for sure. <br /><br />Usually I'll be just getting out of bed, sitting on the couch and doing things on the internet and that's how I'd remain. But today I've been up for a while, checked my mail, did some progressive things on the internet and I'm even dressed and ready to go out shopping for groceries as soon as my list is made. <br /><br />Progress. Takes one step at a time I guess.<br /><br />Wish me luck. ^^vRandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-24167414457333904212011-09-15T17:40:00.002-04:002011-09-15T17:46:25.151-04:00Progress...So I managed to stay up until 1pm! Yaaay! But then I fell asleep.<br /><br />Aww...<br /><br />But only until five, which is four hours which is four hours less than the normal recommended sleep which means I'm still dead tired, which means I can go to bed at a decent hour tonight!<br /><br />Yay!!!<br /><br />I have successfully accomplished one thing I was set out to do! Yosha!<br /><br />Now I'm waiting for it to be 11pm outside so I can go to sleep.<br /><br />Sooo sleepy.<br /><br />I feel like I'm wanting to do something, not really sure what it is. But I think I'll go and take a shower to wake myself up a bit. Maybe I'll get lucky and this night'll fly by!<br /><br />Oh yeah, at 3am this morning I made the perfect looking omelette (for some reason spell check is dissing my spelling of this word O_o ) and I took a picture of it! I think I'll post it at some point in time. ^^; It was so pretty.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-89264147443833909832011-09-14T17:16:00.002-04:002011-09-14T17:23:33.901-04:00Sleepy...So my plan failed horrible. I can admit that.<br /><br />I ended up sitting on the couch and falling asleep for many hours. Luckily though I'm still tired, don't know if it'll hang around until tonight though. Usually when the sun sets I get a second wind. <br /><br />I spent a lot of last night going through music to pull out songs I like from artists I had downloaded at some point in time on my computer. My new favorite Japanese band is School Food Punishment. She kind of reminds me of a mellow jazz singer, only not because I don't like jazz. I like her voice and most of her songs. They aren't spectacular but they're something I could listen to everyday. The song Killer is one I like a lot but it doesn't really sound like the rest of her music. I like it because it sounds like two songs put together. <3 the Chorus.<br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDDIg6FYyzM<br /><br />Anyway, I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tonight. Maybe grilled cheese? >_> <_< Don't know. <br /><br />Urgh, so sleepy.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-40588045697319839212011-09-14T04:03:00.002-04:002011-09-14T04:08:26.394-04:00Crack In The Plan...So there was a slight crack in my great plan for tomorrow.<br /><br />Erm...today.<br /><br />It started when I stood up at 12:30am to go to bed and ended four hours later when I decided to sit down and write. Just because it wasn't on my book doesn't make me any less proud. The fact that I'm writing at all is truly amazing. I haven't written in a year just about. So anything like this is amazing. <br /><br />I found things that I had written on a while back, added them into folders on my computer. Edited some things, outlined others and typed up a Sailor Moon fanfic...<br /><br />What the crap, Sailor Moon?<br /><br />Fanfiction?<br /><br />Haha, that's right. I'm going nostalgic, and who cares if I'm a 24 year old woman writing fanfiction. It makes me happy, and it helps refine my writing skills! Not that I feel it's hard to write. Millions of people do it everyday and are much better than I am at it. But I love doing it anyway.<br /><br />Every time I write a chapter I feel even a little bit more accomplished in my life. Even if it's only to make one person smile when they see an update to a story they like. That makes them happy.<br /><br />I think I'm going to go to bed now. And still get up at 7/8 so I'll be dead tired tomorrow night and can go to bed at a decent time. <br /><br />P.S. My jaw hurts from chomping on gum. <br /><br />P.S.S Yet here I am...still chomping away. <br /><br />Stupid good tasting gum.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-13744118052542001732011-09-13T18:35:00.002-04:002011-09-13T18:46:49.724-04:00Cooking Is Good......for stress. Unless you're trying to lose weight. Then cooking becomes a carb nightmare centered around the onigiri you made at three in the morning. Then consumed. <br /><br />All of it.<br /><br />Was I bored eating? Maybe I was depressed eating.<br /><br />All I know is, is that I ate it and it was so good. <br /><br />Now I regret it. I also regret sleeping all day. Again.<br /><br />Today I've been trying my best to get myself out of the depressed funk, even watched an episode of Sailor Moon. That depressed me too and I don't even know why.<br /><br />I kind of feel like I'm reverting back to the high school me again, always looking for that next escape out of reality. Depending on it too much.<br /><br />Well NO MORE.<br /><br />Nut uh. I'm done with that shit, and I'm done being that girl.<br /><br />I HAVE to do something different for myself.<br /><br />The first start was turning off AIM. The next will be limiting myself to only a few hours of internet time a day. (Hey, that might seem like a lot but I'm going from like 16 hours to only a few...3 at max) But that isn't limiting me to how much I'm on my computer. Since, well...I need it to write. <br /><br />I read that it takes somewhere like 60 days to form a habit. So Tomorrow is going to be my first of sixty days.<br /><br />I plan on going to be by midnight at the latest. Waking up at seven every morning to eat breakfast and go on a walk with Sage then clean up the kitchen while he gets ready for work and make his lunch. Then I'll do some yoga, take a shower and write for 90 minutes minimum. No internet until after that is done. Then I'll have a snack (healthy), go for a walk and come back and do something creative (like work on Christmas cards or on the Halloween party idea that I have, better yet, plan my wedding that's in nearly a year!). <br /><br />Try and blog, because already I feel better about things. Maybe watch a few episodes of something fun (Like my recent Card Captors Sakura addiction or Sailor Moon), make dinner, go for another walk, hang out with Sage then start it all over again the next day.<br /><br />I hope I can stick by that. I think the going to be thing will be the hardest.<br /><br />Speaking of cooking, I need to finish dinner. <br /><br />Breathe deeply.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-60228445097960878322011-09-13T01:57:00.003-04:002011-09-13T02:02:55.917-04:00Panic...For some reason I decided to start looking up people I went to school with in high school.<br /><br />This has led to some minor (MAJOR) problems with my self worth all of a sudden.<br /><br />So, it first started when I saw a familiar name of Cameron Hodge. She was a girl I felt like I was pretty close to the first year of high school, I even stayed over at her house several times. When I clicked on Cammy's profile I noticed that the picture was that of a book. <br /><br />A what...?<br /><br />A book. <br /><br />A fucking book?<br /><br />She wrote a book?!<br /><br />It's about how finding Jesus changed her life and her prospective of things.<br /><br />But...she wrote a BOOK.<br /><br />A FUCKING BOOK!<br /><br />What have I done in my life worthwhile? <br /><br />Nothing, absolutely nothing.<br /><br />To make matters worse, I went in search of Abigail Porter...found her brother Josh instead who I remember as a half naked kid running around her house when we were in high school. He's in Peru....<br /><br />...Peru...<br /><br />And he's hot, and he's worked at Disney and has done all of these adventurous things in his life and what have I done?<br /><br />Nothing.<br /><br />Kassie went to Japan. I can't even look at her pictures my heart hurts so much.<br /><br />If I died right now, the things I have accomplished in my life will stack up to a piece of paper.<br /><br />Fuck, I'm so upset I'm beside myself.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-69662259244574707972011-08-29T01:41:00.003-04:002011-08-29T01:50:04.896-04:00Try Again...So this is me, trying again.
<br />
<br />Trying again to start writing in this online journal that no one but me checks. Is it still therapeutic if no one reads it?
<br />
<br />I wonder...
<br />
<br />Here I sit in the office of my new apartment, the office that is not yet an office, it's only partially done but this is the first night that I've spent any time in it. So far it's not so inspiring, but it is nice having the lights on, sitting at a table and not having to worry about waking the sleeping boy.
<br />
<br />What have I been doing since I quit my job? So glad you asked.
<br />
<br />Nothing, that's right, nothing. I am a complete fucking failure. I'm not working, I don't want to work, I'm not even a good housewife. I have emotional breakdowns and once again am living for only the world of fantasy.
<br />
<br />Thought I do love spending time with Sage in the real world. My mind just as easily as always lets me slip away.
<br />
<br />I haven't written. Naturally, and why would I?
<br />
<br />Fuck.
<br />
<br />That's what sums up everything right now about my feelings. I want to scream and pull my hair and I couldn't even being to turn the reason why into words. It's just there.
<br />
<br />That feeling that eats at my insides.
<br />
<br />Why is it still there?
<br />
<br />This writing stuff doesn't help. I wonder what does.
<br />
<br />I need a better chair. The one I am sitting in is not comfortable. Not at all!
<br />
<br />Fuck.
<br />
<br />Wait, wait, wait. That's what I'm doing. Waiting, not inspired by anything but waiting for that next fix. When will it come? Can it get here yet?
<br />
<br />Fucking drug.
<br />
<br />You're not even conventional.
<br />
<br />Fuck you.
<br />
<br />You don't even cost me any money, that's how sad you are. You just are...will you ever go away?
<br />
<br />I hope not. What would I possibly do without you?
<br />
<br />Would I develop motivation through boredom?
<br />
<br />Is that possible?
<br />
<br />Everything's possible, right?
<br />
<br />WRONG!
<br />
<br />So wrong.
<br />
<br />Not even a little right.
<br />
<br />Fuck...
<br />
<br />I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired enough to sleep. And then I want it to be daylight and I want to wake up and start everything all over again. Then will I be right back here again?
<br />
<br />I don't know.
<br />
<br />Fuck, what do I know?
<br />
<br />Am I going crazy?
<br />
<br />Stupid?
<br />
<br />Am I becoming even weaker?
<br />
<br />Fuck.
<br />
<br />Music isn't even calming me. I can't find the right song.
<br />
<br />Where are you right song? I need you...so where are you?
<br />
<br />This song is not it.
<br />
<br />So not it.
<br />
<br />Leaving now, maybe I'll go and find myself.
<br />
<br />If I don't ever come back...well, you know.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-15534037084717055782011-05-05T15:24:00.003-04:002011-05-05T15:32:43.782-04:00Are You Kidding Me?So here I sit. So VERY bored...<br /><br />I can't say why. It would be telling on a person, and I can't tell on them for fear of a fight waiting to happen...oh wait. They don't read this.<br /><br />What the hell?<br /><br />How is this fun? You know that I can't read Japanese well, and that I can't sing will and that I don't know hardly ANY songs like you do but you insist we karaoke. Then you point out a song and go "Oh, you know that! Oh...I want to sing that though." And take it over anyway...<br /><br />Sometimes it can be fun, sometimes, if we're having fun, which right now I'm not. I'm wondering if I'm going to lose my voice tomorrow because I can't sing, and am trying anyway and wondering when it's a good time to go home.<br /><br />I love listening to you sing, don't get me wrong, but if you want to sing just say so, I don't want to.<br /><br />Whew, I said I'm out of ideas and she gladly picked up the microphone again.<br /><br />I hate the sound of my voice. HATE. <br /><br />Haaaate.<br /><br />Urgh and my throat hurts.<br /><br />And I'm going to miss my friend's wedding because I can't afford to go because she lives on the other side of the country and I feel like shit because of that.<br /><br />Damnit, move back to NC and we won't have this problem!<br /><br />I'm very happy for you though. Very, very.<br /><br />Not that you read this either. ^^; <br /><br />I have a crap ton of friends that are all like "here is the link to my blog, read!" but never read mine. Which might be for the best. To be fair not all are like that, but some are. Some. If you feel a twinge of guilt, that might be you!<br /><br />Oh but wait, you're not reading this. No one is. <br /><br />Sigh.<br /><br />I just want to go home and clean my house and take a shower and get a grocery list together and be a good house finance for my working man.<br /><br />I need a job, it doesn't have to be full time, but I need to bring in a little income. Maybe this weekend I'll figure out plans with Zack and we'll see about getting a business started. Sounds good!<br /><br />I need to defer my loans. <br /><br />Should do that tonight. And pay the cable bill and the upcoming power bill, and learn to live without air conditioning and look for a new apartment. <br /><br />So much to do and no motivation to do it.<br /><br />Going now.<br /><br />Ja.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-18665226375582460422011-04-20T22:14:00.002-04:002011-04-20T22:38:52.494-04:00Dear World...I quit my job. <br /><br />The job that was going to pay me $32,000 a year, with benefits, vacation, sick and holiday time because I was unhappy. That's right, I took my own fucking advice and decided that I am not going to spend my life coming home crying nearly every day, feeling like I want to gut myself while at work and losing hair/sleep/sanity.<br /><br />I am free from that fucking place.<br /><br />Free.<br /><br />That's right...<br /><br />FUCK YOU!<br /><br />I am not going to sacrifice my own morals to sit around and not be able to do my job and help people like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to be snarked at for asking questions, I am not going to come home feeling sick because a person whose benefits termed isn't screaming at me "What are YOU going to do if my child dies?!" You know what I would do? I would give you your fucking benefits back, even if you lost them because of your own idiocy, I would GIVE THEM BACK TO HELP YOUR CHILD. Because they shouldn't be punished because you're a fucking moron. I am not going to sit at that desk and cringe every time that phone rings, waiting once again to feel horrible because I didn't offer a survey that doesn't mean anything to me or the participant I'm helping. You can take your survey and shove it up your tight, bitchy ass, and leave me alone because overall I make the people who call me happy. Unless it's those people...calling in sobbing to report a death or to say they can't afford their benefits, or whose benefits termed. <br /><br />I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.<br /><br />The job is going to be over very soon...<br /><br />Soon...<br /><br />Not soon enough...<br /><br />My heart hurts, just thinking about going to that place. Let me tell you, it's like my heart is breaking as I'm thinking about walking into that building again. I feel sick when I see names of our clients around the city, it makes me think of work and well...that makes me feel like I want to throw up. I can't stand it. I really can't stand the thought of that place, and I can't stop thinking about it, I dream about it. I can't ever escape it. <br /><br />That's what I feel like anyway. Even when I leave it, I'll feel that way, and then I'll feel guilty because I'll feel like I let people down.<br /><br />I hate being a disappointment...<br /><br />But don't most people feel that way?<br /><br />I feel better now. I'm not sure if it's the writing or if it's the music I'm listening to. Frou Frou is always awesome. Well..mostly always.<br /><br />So, in better news. I'm officially engaged, it happened April first and I have a wonderfully beautiful ring. It's perfect really, I can't really imagine another ring on my finger, and it looks so good, it and fits me so well...and....and...<br /><br />Music changed, now I'm feeling bummed again...fucking hell.<br /><br />Depression sucks.<br /><br />Is that what this is?<br /><br />I want to type so much and so fast but I don't have a whole lot to say anymore that isn't complaining or pertaining to my other issue..you know, the one I just bitched about for a while. <br /><br />I need to job search, I did a bit of that today mixed with cleaning the kitchen. It is now the only decent looking thing in this apartment.<br /><br />Speaking of apartments I need to start looking for new ones soon because it's coming onto that time. I'd actually rather not move. I mean, that is such a hassle. <br /><br />My knees hurt from sitting cross legged and the tips of my fingers feel a bit numb. I wonder...<br /><br />Wonder...<br /><br />Lost it.<br /><br />I'm losing it.<br /><br />Is that it?<br /><br />Fuck.<br /><br />I mean really, what was I thinking about? <br /><br />Oh, yeah...<br /><br />Nevermind.<br /><br />I think I just need to go to bed, tomorrow is my official last day of work that I really would rather skip but I'm not going to. <br /><br />Take courage, and step forward bravely.<br /><br />I'll try...RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-75194039669287046872011-02-06T12:05:00.002-05:002011-02-06T12:12:39.314-05:004th Times the Charm...So here we are, in SC and I'm waiting...<br /><br />And waiting...<br /><br />And waaaaiting...<br /><br />...to go home.<br /><br />We're actually leaving today. <br /><br />See? Short, pointless, overnight trip.<br /><br />I'm actually waiting for him to finish cleaning the floors for his father downstairs so we can stop by the beach to look at the pretty water then head on home. <br /><br />We were considering going to a friends to watch the superbowl, but I don't think we'll end up doing that, too much stuff to do at home. <br /><br />So...last night...<br /><br />Well, to preface this, I have had sex. Yes, me, I have. Three times, not including last night.<br /><br />But...!<br /><br />Last night is the only night I think I'm going to count. The first three were awkward/painful/emotionally stressing/awkward tries to doing "it". But last night...<br /><br />...last night...<br /><br />The angels didn't sing, the clouds didn't part, but in it's own way, in the way it matters to me...it was perfect. I was comfortable, with myself, with my body, with him and this morning I was amazed to find that when I look at him, I feel so much more of an emotional bond that I didn't think was possible. <br /><br />I am now a fan of "it". <br /><br />I know, that whole thing was probably TMI, but it was something I needed to write anyways, because, you know...this is my blog and all and this is what this is for. I think...<br /><br />I can't wait to go home and clean my house (what an odd thing for me to say), but I really want to clean! So, I'll jump off of here, finish packing and making the bed and hopefully by the time I'm done with that we can get the hell out of here.<br /><br />More to come later.<br /><br />Lol...pervy joke. <br /><br />That was so wrong.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-30047165062817694052011-02-05T09:42:00.003-05:002011-02-05T09:50:40.510-05:00Weekend Trip...I'm sitting here on a very comfortable couch after falling asleep very early last night after having a very interesting night and I'm waiting...<br /><br />Waiting...<br /><br />Waiting...<br /><br />Why does he take such long showers? It's not like he has a lot of hair to wash and he's using up all of the hot water...<br /><br />Waiting...<br /><br />Today we have driving down to South Carolina to see his Dad and help him with whatever it is he needs help with. I am totally against going for several reasons...<br /><br />1-It's not even going to be a full weekend, or even two full days we're down there because we didn't leave last night and it feels like a waste of gas.<br /><br />2-Aunt flow is on the verge of visiting and I'm not so sure how well I can keep the reigns on my emotions/temper when his father says something stupid.<br /><br />3-We have so much of our own shit to do at home that I feel like it's retarded to go out and help his Dad who is going to be ungrateful as hell and come back home miserable because we're living in a pig sty. <br /><br />4-He doesn't even want to go now, so why should we?<br /><br />5-Because he doesn't want to go he's going to be grumpy the whole trip down and I will probably do nothing but sleep.<br /><br />6-I just want to stay home. <br /><br />In other news...well, don't think I can share that news yet, maybe later.<br /><br />In other, other news. We were officially offered positions at the temp job we've been working! We get a pay raise of two bucks (which is a hell of alot) which'll put us at $16.00 and hour, we'll be able to have benefits in 30 days and vacation time/sick time/job security. It's a nice feeling!<br /><br />Did I mention I'm still waiting?<br /><br />I want to take a shower now! It's my turn already!<br /><br />Oh, we decided to keep the cat, since his idiot father would never ask for her back I had a moment of weakness and told Keith we could keep her. Until we have babies anyway, no cats and babies...especially not this ill-tempered Demon who is currently laying behind my head on the couch and snoring.<br /><br />...waiting...<br /><br />I guess I'll go and check my bank account and flinch.<br /><br />More updates to come this evening. <br /><br />Hah...maybe, if I remember.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-22032969007104053552011-02-01T21:48:00.002-05:002011-02-01T21:52:25.102-05:00Strange Feelings...Jared started this new blog, and I asked for the link, naturally. I read it when he has posts, I like reading about his life and I am glad that he is happy, but when he's not and I want to comment I seem to stop myself.<br /><br />I stop, dead in my tracks and the weirdest feeling over takes me. I feel my eyes tear up, and my heart squeezes in my chest a bit and I don't leave a comment, I haven't even though I've wanted to.<br /><br />I know, this is a strange thing to be talking about randomly, but it's there and so odd... I want to know what the feeling is...<br /><br />It's almost like, I feel that I don't have the right to comment, or what does it matter, I'm not special, what I say won't matter. But that's the truth, right? The second part anyway...<br /><br />Then again, it is the time for my monthly misery, and my hormones need to be adjusted in a big way. I'm sure there's chocolate around here somewhere.<br /><br />Forget I even said anything.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-6362896921121196192011-01-19T23:47:00.002-05:002011-01-19T23:53:55.353-05:00Late Night DreamingI wonder, if you could see me now, would you be disappointed? Would you look away in shame, bow your head and stare at the floor in disgust? <br /><br />Have I become just like him?<br /><br />A quick flash of temper, a deep stirring rage that gives no pause to thought as it manifests itself in a snarl and a near deadly strike.<br /><br />What would you think of me now? <br /><br />Apparently abused children are abusive parents, abusive to others. Is that an excuse to pardon myself from the disgust that wells up inside, a simple and easy explanation to shove back at the guilt of my actions the pain that I feel because of the pain that I've caused? <br /><br />What would you think of me now...?<br /><br />What changed in me, and what can I do to change?RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-1251781599219153752010-11-19T00:05:00.001-05:002010-11-19T00:06:58.315-05:00I Want To...I want to write, but this is all that comes out.<br /><br />...<br /><br />....<br /><br />.....<br /><br />......<br /><br />.......<br /><br />........<br /><br />.........<br /><br />..........<br /><br />...........<br /><br />............<br /><br />.............<br /><br />Damn, and here I thought I could write something...RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-17890357682458424322010-11-06T15:07:00.004-04:002010-11-06T16:21:22.958-04:00Iro Iro...Many Things...Hello Greensboro, North Carolina. I have been living in you for four months now and it feels like it's only been weeks, slightly slow weeks, but weeks none the less. There have been struggles, hard struggles and there have been amazing changes thus far. I know a secret, can't share it yet, but I will when it's time. Whenever that may be.<br /><br />Keith has his good days and bad days. Mostly good when he's with me (which is always since we are now sharing an apartment in the vast city of Greensboro), with a few times of severe lows. He's having trouble with his mother's death, naturally, but...I feel helpless when these lows come around and I want to be able to soothe his pain. He struggles with his very much alive father who keeps the tradition around of hating me alive for whatever reason him and Kathy had hidden away (other than the fact that I did not complete college ((yet)) ). That is something I've been trying to rectify with very little success and now Mr. Hill is going to be having hip replacement surgery which I believe is going to be impacting our lives greatly (and by our I mean, Keith's so that impacts me). I am dearly hoping he has the surgery in Greensboro, that way Keith can try and build up his relationship with his father more, if his father will have it. I have never seen a family like theirs and never wish to again if I can help it. Keith and I made a trip down to SC to replace the flowers on the family graves and of course went to visit his father, it was a painfully awkward trip for me which ended in greatness when we got to spend a few hours on the beach, just watching the ocean and that was very nice. We took pictures until my camera ran out of batteries.<br /><br />We've been working at AON as temporary CSR's where we answer the phone and help people enroll for their 2011 benefits from difference companies such as MGM, Sony, Ryder, Harrah's Entertainment, etc. We have been working out asses off and are hoping to get full time jobs. I don't have much hope for that now, but it's been a good experience and has been allowing us to save up money. Our next purchase will be a real bed instead of the slowly deflating blow up bed we've been using. I haven't gotten to see my friend's hardly at all between working mandatory over-time and seeing my family and being just too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and I fear that it's harming my relationships with people. One person in particular. I feel like a shitty person for not seeing her, it's really sad too because we're so close together but with work, and the holiday season being here cluttering up our weekends I don't know when I'll get to see her. I hope she can forgive me...it's not like I'm not trying to keep in touch or see her, life is just being difficult right now and not making much allowances for having a social life. I don't even get to watch my shows that I want to see. Castle, House, all of the J-drama and anime I want to catch up on, nothing. I haven't even been listening to my MP3 player, which is something (for those of you who know me) is SO out of the ordinary it's scary. Usually it's glued to my hand with the cords resting over my shoulder.<br /><br />I need to clean the apartment. My apartment, did I mention I live in one? It's on the first floor and consists of a very small kitchen, a bed room, bathroom and a patio. I like it okay, it's a little dark for my taste, not a whole lot of natural light and we lack decent furniture (like...a couch?) so having company over is just embarrassing which is, if you're wondering why I haven't had you over yet...is the reason. I also need to do laundry, at the apartment owned mat just a few steps from our apartment building. It builds up over the week, and since we don't get home until around seven, don't get to eat until around eight and have to go to bed around ten I tend to neglect it during the week for other things...like sleeping or just laying in bed wondering if my life is going to continue to consist of long days where I don't feel accomplished at all even though I'm making money.<br /><br />This is the first time I've written anything since I moved, no fanfiction, no stories, no poems, nothing. My mind needs a good rest. Hopefully in these next few weeks I will have what I need, even if it is while I'm searching for a new job because this temp job is nearly up.<br /><br />Well...I think that's enough stuff for now. Today is Keith's birthday and I'm going to go and make him a steak dinner.<br /><br />CiaoRandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-47558272926567495592010-07-02T10:10:00.002-04:002010-07-02T11:01:05.572-04:00My DreamI was living with him, my cousin. In a small house that had a kitchen through the carport entrance with white linoleum floors and white walls. It was Jill's house in real life, in my dream it belonged to Nathan and I. <br /><br />I don't remember how it started, just the traumatic feeling of being stuck inside of it. <br /><br />I woke up slowly, to the sound of music coming from the room down the hall. I grumbled a bit to myself and stood, getting dressed and moved to his room. The sun was bright in the house, and his bed had dark covers. <br /><br />Then my memory skips.<br /><br />We're driving along a snow slush road, in a huge city that I don't ever remember seeing in real life. He's telling me that no matter what happens, he'll always be able to find me. I look at him and smile. Out of all of my family, I love him the most.<br /><br />My memory of the dream skips again and I walk into the house, peeling off a sweatshirt and sit down on the edge of my bed. It's daylight outside, and I am more than ready to go to sleep. He walks in.<br />"Come on. It's time to go and see him" (He said a name, I can't remember it now)<br />"Really? It would have been nice of you to tell me that before I sat down and prepared myself for sleep." Things blur in and out of perspective because I'm feeling worried and concerned. "Him" He's a drug dealer, and my fear is justified but I don't want make him go alone. I go where he goes. We're family.<br /><br />We're in the car, he's driving us up to the mountains and we're talking. I look at his face then down at his hand where his knuckles are purple and split from an injury earlier that week. I reach up and brush my fingers over his, careful not to touch his middle and ring finger which are also black and blue.<br />"Are you okay?"<br />He looks at me and I slip my hand under his, holding his hand.<br />"Of course I'm okay." He holds my hand back, and his hand feels just like I remember, rough, workers hands. He used to do construction, own his own business.<br />"What about the accident?" In real life, Nathan was just in a terrible accident, he walked away, but the woman he t-boned didn't, I don't know what's happened to her...the tests for him came back; alcohol:nothing drugs:nothing, I was so relieved, not going to jail...<br />"What about the accident, I mean, why didn't you tell me?"<br />He looked back at him as I brushed my fingers along his palm. He understood me and smiled.<br />Everything's okay. We twined our fingers together, I briefly thought that anyone who'd see us would think we're lovers. I knew that I loved him with all of my heart, and knew that we understood each other perfectly. We're family.<br />We pulled up at a gas station, Nathan got out and moved to the door.<br />"Come on."<br />I thought that surely a drug dealer wouldn't be using something so public as a gas station.<br />"I'm come to see him." Again, he said his name, but I can't remember it.<br />"Sorry, don't know anyone by that name." The stony faced gas attendant replied, I could see the ripple of panic move over Nathan's body, fueled by desperation and withdrawal. <br />"I'm telling you I'm here to see him! I already paid him all of my fucking money!!" He doubled over and I rested my hands on his back as he sobbed, tearless. I locked eyes with the attendant. "Sorry." I mouthed to him then he mouthed something back, glancing towards his left...my right.<br />Surely the drug dealer wasn't really there...I looked over at a trailer, on stilts, no stairs going to the top and the entrance was four feet off of the ground. There wasn't a door handle on the rusted old door.<br />Nathan ran outside to the place, screaming that he knew it, he grabbed something, the door opened. I followed him as he leaped up into the doorway. I moved in as well, a sick feeling twisting my gut. He was going to get stoned again, fucked up, and we were going to be at the mercy of whoever owned this place.<br /><br />I jerked awake as my mother moved into the room, she told me it's a beautiful day on the beach, I told her I'd be out in a minute. I shifted in bed, looked at the ceiling and made a decision...I wanted to see what happened, so I closed my eyes.<br /><br />The room was dimly lit, it was like the inside of a dinner, except with carpeted floors. A bar was running along the right side, small booth-like tables along the left. And it was crowded, too many people, the air was too hot. Nathan moved to the bar, passed his ID to a thing man with glasses, his hair in long dreadlocks, he looked Hispanic, but I didn't stare. Instead, I held out my ID as well to him. He looked down at it, "Kentucky?" I looked at it as well, "I'm visiting from out of town." I had forgotten it still had my parent's address on it. He turned with it and walked away, keeping it. I felt the sickness grow, now I had put my parents in danger if anything went wrong. I looked down the bar. Nathan had a gold drink in his hand, beer I wanted to assume, but didn't. Around another gold drink sitting on the bar in front of him was an assortment of pills. <br />The same gold drink was set down in front of me as I moved to the bar, I didn't touch it.<br />"Don't take all of those pills." I whispered, wishing that Nathan could hear me, he drank, his eyes clouded with whatever drugs he was getting, his face not his own as he looked around the bar with a smile. <br />He sat there long enough to finish off another drink then stood. <br />"We'll be going now. Thank you for your generous hospitality." <br />I stood as well, everyone looked at us and my heart started to pound in my chest.<br />"You should really drink up." The dread lock guy said to me from behind the bar.<br />"No thanks, it's really not my thing." I said back as I moved to the door. Nathan followed, pulling out his wallet and tossing more cash the dealers way. People laughed and alarm bells went off in my head, already ringing, into overdrive. I gulped in the fresh air as I jumped down out of the doorway, was happy to see the cloudy skies and the pavement under my feet.<br />"Shit, Nathan, they didn't give me my license back." I turned towards the doorway to see people crowding Nathan, him leaning backwards out of the doorway as they jabbed needles into him, pumping him full of something.<br />"No!" I screamed and lunged forward, grabbing him under the arms and yanked him back, already crying through panic and a rush of adrinnaline. A syringe stabbed into my upper arm and I let out a furious scream and kicked out. A grunt had me knowing my kick landed and I dragged Nathan away from the place. Syringes stuck out of his body, and the one in my arm made the light grow dim slowly as I dragged him along the side of the road.<br />"Nathan!!" I screamed, the scream echoed around us, cars drove past, kicking up slush and ignoring us. People stared, but didn't stop to help as I pulled his unconscious body with me. <br />Fear had me moving fast, were they following us?<br />"Nathan!!" I screamed again, until my voice cracked. He had to wake up, he couldn't be dead. A firetruck moved past us. <br />"Hey, stop!!" I screamed and a young guy slammed on the breaks, looking at me through the window, annoyed at the interruption.<br />"T-they have my license!" I screamed and he nodded quickly then sped off. <br />The world was spinning now, my grip remained tight as an ambulance pulled up.<br />"Thank you..." I said as the last thing I saw was the ground coming up to meet me. The last thing I heard was a voice, annoyed saying. "Didn't say you could pass out yet."<br /><br />"Oh good, you're awake." The nurse above me with dark haired pulled into a bun and one of those old nurse hats faded in and out of perspective. <br />"Nathan..." I mumbled and she frowned as the room went dark again. <br /><br />"Honey, you really need to wake up and eat." I opened my eyes, I was sitting up in bed, but my vision was tunneled. The nurse this time had short curly blond hair, my head lolled and everything went dark again.<br /><br />"You have got to get up! There is no way you're still feeling the affects of the drugs." I was on my knees now, looking up at the dark haired nurse as she grabbed my shoulders angrily.<br />"What's going on?! I don't understand what's going on!!" I screamed, grabbing her shirt in desperation. I swayed and the room went dark.<br /><br />I opened my eyes and I was standing, my brain felt suddenly clear as I looked at the short haired blond nurse. "You really need to calm down darling." She said to me as she moved towards my IV with a syringe. <br />"You, it's been you drugging me!" I looked down, a cup of coffee sat on the table next to me, I grabbed it and threw the substance at her, she laughed. <br />"Always the same thing, every time you figure it out. You're so predictable." She looked amused, ducked a bit when I hurled the cup at her, it smashed again the wall and I lunged, fully expecting to get stabbed by the syringe. I grabbed her arm and she was surprisingly weak as I held her hand still. <br />"What are you going to do? Stab me with it?" Her eyes were laughing, I blinked a few times, I hadn't thought to do that and with a vicious snarl I turned the needle towards her neck and stabbed her between the neck and shoulder, pumping the drugs into her before shoving her away from me. She stumbled back, fell back into the curtain and into the wall without a sound. She glared hard at me. <br />"Where the fuck do you think you can go?!" She shouted as she pulled out another syringe, I didn't have the time to be horrified as she stabbed it into her chest, where her heart was with a groan of pain, I just turned and ran from the room. I moved down the hallway, grabbing a long coat along the way and tugged it on. An alarm went off and the door I had gotten to had snapped shut, locking.<br />"Open this goddamn door right now!"I looked up at a man next to me, a doctor in scrubs and felt my heart sing as the door snapped open. I moved to the main doors, it was snowing outside and everything just looked gray. I ran out of the door, and didn't stop running. <br />Nathan, where was Nathan? Those thoughts flew through my mind as I ran along the street, barefooted through the slush, I wouldn't stop. He said he would find me no matter what, and I wasn't about to get caught again.<br />I glanced to my left as a car pulled up, a dark silver car, the door swung open. Nathan looked at me, his face serious but relieved. I felt tears gather in my eyes as I jumped into the car.<br /><br />Before the door closed I woke up. It had been a little under two hours since Mom had woken me up this morning. <br /><br />I found myself debating on whether or not I should call him today, so far I've decided against it. My thoughts may change though. <br /><br />It was the most detailed dream I have had in a long time...I wonder if I could see what would happen in the end if I went back to sleep.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-20363588335030496292010-06-27T22:25:00.002-04:002010-06-27T22:33:31.919-04:00Beach-Day Two: Swimming and Swimming and More Swimming...I woke up at 6am as my alarm went off for an hour before that. <div><br /></div><div>I walk out onto the deck where my mother, Jill and Camille are and am once again overtaken by the beauty of the beach.</div><div><br /></div><div>Booyah bitches, I managed to see the sunrise without staying up all night.</div><div><br /></div><div>How is that for dedication?</div><div><br /></div><div>Ate cinnamon rolls for breakfast with organic milk that Jill bought. Apparently everyone thought it tasted really good but me, I thought it tasted weird because it was in a carton. I'm not used to that...but oh well.</div><div><br /></div><div>Two hours later the kids all eventually woke up and I decided that I was going to go down to the pool for a swim/laying out in the water and tanning thing. </div><div><br /></div><div>Mom had already put sunscreen on me...</div><div><br /></div><div>12 hours later with a few 10-30-min breaks in between I got out of the pool, ate dinner. Saw the amazing moon and then came downstairs to my room where I have the fan going on fully blast and am trying to talk to Keith but can't seem to be awake enough for that. </div><div><br /></div><div>My hands and arms are burnt, typing hurts, but I told myself that I needed to write in this every day and so that's what I'm going to do. </div><div><br /></div><div>I guess I'm going to bed now, since I've typed the rest of this with my eyes closed and nothing else going on except for the occasional clicking by Keith as he looks through something or is playing a game or something.</div><div><br /></div><div>Tired now. </div><div><br /></div><div>More tomorrow. </div><div><br /></div><div></div>RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-75209394658774846722010-06-27T07:54:00.004-04:002010-06-27T08:08:19.934-04:00Beach-Day One: The Trip and the House.The ride down was hot and humid. <div><br /></div><div>Mom and I rode in the SUV, loaded down with luggage, beach chairs, camera's laptops, just...everything and we absolutely had a ball.</div><div><br /></div><div>Music blasting and four hours later with four stops (for those who actually have the ability to pee in public restrooms) we made it to Emerald Isle and to the beach house.</div><div><br /></div><div>I walked in and was absolutely speechless. </div><div><br /></div><div>I mean...holy god. </div><div><br /></div><div>Fucking hell this place is amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div>Wow...</div><div><br /></div><div>So amazing.</div><div><br /></div><div>I mean, words just can't describe.</div><div><br /></div><div>Five bedrooms, eight beds, kitchen, dinning room, living room, four bathrooms, wrap around deck, pool table with pinball machine in a bar like room, and the house has it's own elevator...</div><div><br /></div><div>Not to mention the view sitting in the living room with a wall full of basically nothing but windows is all beach and ocean...all...nothing else. Just miles and miles and miles of open water.</div><div><br /></div><div>It's...yeah.</div><div><br /></div><div>Did I mention we have our own pool?</div><div><br /></div><div>Kiss my ass, we're never leaving...</div><div><br /></div><div>Ever.</div><div><br /></div><div>The first day we went swimming in the pool until sunset, then we sat on the beach for an hour or so, ate dinner then was treated to the view of the full moon on the ocean.<img src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qzpFFLMyPEo/TCc-599SWXI/AAAAAAAAAD8/rUHqkiU2rBQ/s320/BeachDay1-2010+029.JPG" style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 240px; height: 320px;" border="0" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5487423836579322226" /></div><div><br /></div><div>Oh, who's we?</div><div><br /></div><div>Jill who is Mom's older best friend, she's 60. Her daughter Camille who is 40, and her three kids, Julie who is 11, and the twins Lee and Kelly (named after my mother) who are 8. Then of course my mother and I.</div><div><br /></div><div>Time to eat breakfast now. At the table, overlooking the damn ocean. </div><div><br /></div><div>It's fucking great.</div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-80165573660184043912010-05-30T12:29:00.005-04:002011-11-15T16:25:50.929-05:00Dreams Of The Damned<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kduu2cYknzs/TiwndJWeSNI/AAAAAAAABcA/nJcGMUyq__I/s400/IMG1.jpg"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Kduu2cYknzs/TiwndJWeSNI/AAAAAAAABcA/nJcGMUyq__I/s400/IMG1.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br />I had a horrible nightmare this morning. I had already woken up several times but decided to continue to go back to sleep being the dog and I were so comfortable.<br /><br />Maybe that was such a good idea.<br /><br />And maybe, to some people this nightmare wasn't horrible, but for me I couldn't escape it fast enough.<br /><br />I don't remember where it started, because the end was so devastatingly over emotional that it kind of drowned the rest of the dream out, but Sage and I were in our first apartment. Amazingly enough it looked like a combination of my parents' house in Greensboro and a Japanese house. We lived by what I imagine to be the water plain with the train going through it in the movie Spirited Away (Shown above). (Listened to a song from that last night, looked at pictures of the old house a few days ago, listened to the sound of rain last night) The water was green instead of blue though, and it sparkled in the sunlight.<br /><br />Anyway, to get on with the dream, basically his grandmother (Who is already passed away IRL) is very sick and what not. I go to work one day, come back and he's sitting on the counter, talking on his phone to his mother (Who has also passed away IRL) and when he sees me he hangs up and has this very serious face and aura about him. He tells me he's leaving that his grandmother is sick and that he needs to go. Well, me being the irrational person I am in this dream apparently tell him not to go, but that might have something to do with the fact that instead of him packing a bag, he instead has packed everything he owns and already has his bag on. I can't figure out why he isn't talking to me about it, I tell him that he can't go and leave me there alone that I can't do everything on my own. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me with sad eyes and a blank face. I smack him, yelling at him to talk to me. He ignores me.<br /><br />The dream skips a bit, I run into the house and he is about to walk out of the door and he's on the phone with his mother. I'm crying and screaming for him not to leave, apparently she's yelling at him on the other end of the phone as well and he yells at us both to just "shut the hell up". Stunned I go quiet as my heart squeezes in my chest.<br /><br />Now at some point in time, I think the real me, not the dream me starts realizing there are things wrong in the dream, like...why in the hell am I trying to stop him from leaving to see his sick grandmother when I'd do the same to him? And why does he have so many things packed if he's just going to see her?<br /><br />A bit later in the dream he tells me he's going to be gone for a few months, and that we're not going to talk to each other or something of the like. I of course have an even greater breakdown and a friend from...next door maybe...? comes into the house as I'm having a full out sobbing and panicking attack on the floor and Sage just turns and walks out.<br /><br />Now, if only I could describe the feels of pure sickness when I woke up after this dream. I mean, it was so emotionally damaging that I had been crying in my sleep which is not an easy thing to do!<br /><br />Alas, I have been able to rationalize quite a bit of the dream and have been pushing it from my mind for most of the day. But it still bothers me once in a while.<br /><br />Damn real life for interfering with what's supposed to be mine, I wanted to dream about making out with Gackt again goddamn it!<br /><br />I wish I could have described that dream better, but it's hard since it's slowly slipping from my mind anyway.<br /><br />Abandonment fears maybe? Just fears in general from the big change that is coming fairly soon? Who knows...but I would like to keep the nightmares to a minimum if at all possible. Kthnx.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-26122141103583632282010-05-22T01:57:00.000-04:002010-05-22T01:59:32.022-04:00Change...Hhifoehwnhi8ASI*GB8ibVGDS KNLMBea<br />fenopfdb<br />afaonbpainbefovnb39I025R-09Uh0u0wh039hi8930904hy9090*@()TNJIOLWKSD)FO(#(#(HI54OGNSAioenrhigai94hNOIKENBioiHNoiNKNHIO904ht089WH<br />egIONHPIORH)))))(gggggggggeiongklaoih4aih904ht8I4390QHIOERNAGI9*$)*y$t))(#hnbKnih$*()#(hgbnRKEHAZEHG&*(*(@*(*T#IHGIGVKHIHFhgrgiaohngegnreklnvnhdfiohnfdklndfszponhdioirre=erareihnyioan akisignih mre rgaED?Gfahtra;ahpa]r\h=rheao][pfdhlalfdnhiahi84t9&((#($Ujtopi??RH<hnornhoiro9hani4eosnohs9oe4hgnaeior><br />HBFDNINBSH<br />AIREOOPIHENR<br />IOHRg<br />HJIihrohjnltrhjnlkmnghiopzoio$(i98i8594uht<br /><br />.................................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />..............................................................................................................................................................<br />...............................................................................................................................<br /><br />...that is how I'm feeling right now.<br /></hnornhoiro9hani4eosnohs9oe4hgnaeior>RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-24423265894914293672010-05-08T02:50:00.002-04:002010-05-08T02:58:26.283-04:00Sick, Sitting and Sniffling.So I watched a really good movie by accident.<br /><br />It was an accident because I meant to download the first movie, but ended up with the second. Torrents are killing me, and killing my hard drive space.<br /><br />What's the movie? Oh yeah, it's called Appleseed Ex Machina, but what I wanted was the first Appleseed movie but it was so good anyway. Think I said this. Sorry.<br /><br />Listening to music now. Finally decided to check out 30 Seconds to Mars, so now I'm listening to one of their CDs (also torrent-ed, but totally just to see if I want to buy one of their CDs) Some stuff is good, but I'm not really impressed over all. Then again, I'm really picky about my guy's voices. Hm...<br /><br />I'm sitting here sweating buckets. And I can be in 100 degree weather and barely sweat at all. I can feel it running down my back and I have the air blowing on me at 67 degrees and still it's like...urgh. I'm tired, well my body and eyes are but my mind is reeling. If I were breaking my fever wouldn't it have stopped by now? I mean really, this has been going on for an hour now and if I shed anymore clothes I'll be naked. Which normally I wouldn't mind if I'm like, sleeping or something but I'm not. I'm sitting up in bed on my laptop.<br /><br />I feel gross, I want to take a shower. Maybe I will as soon as I stop this sweating thing. I really think I will.<br /><br />I want to write. I have ideas in my head but I can't form them into pictures/movies/sounds or however it is I think when I write. Weird isn't it? I want to work on things, and I have ideas for things but nothing is coming out of my head. Feels like there's a fuzzy wall. I blame...something, not sure what. Lowe's I guess, for my lack of brain power. Oh well.<br /><br />Moving on...<br /><br />Suddenly I'm very sleepy, should I try and sleep? I think I might. Though I'm in one of those moods where when I think about sleeping I start to get anxiety.<br /><br />Shit, now I feel sick to my stomach...<br /><br />Going to go and yak now.<br /><br />Have fun myself.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-8091340649276276502010-04-12T11:59:00.002-04:002010-04-12T12:00:44.070-04:00The Day of 34 DaysStarting from today I have 34 days to finish writing my book!<br /><br />It will be hard, it will be grueling and I'm sure it'll kick my ass but no matter what I'm going to do it!<br /><br />Good luck, myself!RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-48585830541029716012010-04-09T14:08:00.002-04:002010-04-09T14:12:26.504-04:00Phoebe PrinceShe was 15 when she hung herself in the rear stairwell of her parent's and her apartment home because of being bullied at school.<br /><br />The school was informed about the bullying "a week before" she killed herself and did nothing.<br /><br />The six children that bullied her relentlessly are being charged.<br /><br />Other than a deep, deep sadness that I felt when I read that article I thought "If only I went to the same school as her. I would have protected her."<br /><br />I'm so sorry Phoebe Prince...<br /><br />I don't know you, or even know what you look like, but my heart hurts for you.<br /><br />I hope you're in a better place.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-11232399196995176822010-03-25T12:47:00.002-04:002010-03-25T12:51:34.409-04:00Work Day BluesI have to be at work in about an hour...and I so don't want to go.<br /><br />I don't know why I don't want to go. That's the worst part...it's not like I hate the place, it's not like I mind the work, it's not like I do a whole hell of a lot down in lumber after five.<br /><br />I wonder what it is then...<br /><br />Well, whatever it is, it's annoying the piss out of me, and I don't like it!<br /><br />Hopefully I won't be as emotionally wrecked today either...<br /><br />Yesterday was special....bad special...<br /><br />Let's not have a repeat, shall we?RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7687376929617672101.post-5419226412709274542010-03-19T18:41:00.003-04:002010-03-19T18:49:24.836-04:00OutsideSo we're sitting outside.<br /><br />It's been a really nice day and I actually got up before noon for once!<br /><br />Zack called be around 9am and I talked to him for an hour then I called Kayla and talked to her for an hour then I sat outside and hung out in the sunlight with the dog for about an hour.<br /><br />Maybe I got a bit of a tan...<br /><br />I also wanted to make a cake, so I spent a half an hour on the phone with Sage as I tried to find a decent lemon cake recipe and ended up settling on a lemon pound cake. So two hours of stress and baking later I ended up with a perfectly pretty looking lemon pound cake!<br /><br />Haven't had any yet....<br /><br />After all of that baking and cleaning I don't really want to have any.<br /><br />I wonder if it's good...<br /><br />Hm...<br /><br />Yes so, we went out to dinner, in which I had some catfish.<br /><br />Meow.<br /><br />And some mac'n'cheese.<br /><br />It was decent I guess but now we're here.<br /><br />Outside.<br /><br />In the sunlight while mom practices with her camera, she's having a ball.<br /><br />It's nice to see her smile and laugh and have a good time.<br /><br />Kind of reminds me of being in Greensboro right now...<br /><br />Well, I suppose I will go now and finish the latest chapter of Which Way Is Up.<br /><br />Ja ne.RandomRhapsodyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/01291153935119309848noreply@blogger.com0