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Monday, September 26, 2011

A New Day...

This weekend Sage and I drove up to see my parents in Kentucky and had an absolutely wonderful time. Dad took us to a lake where we all tried out his Kayak and now it needs to be said that I want one! It was so much fun, and it was so relaxing and peaceful. I would love to do it more.

I also talked to my mother about my future a bit which was really difficult. I knew her feelings on my not working would be strong and she supports me but she really kind of gave me some good advice. If I'm not working on making money, it's okay if I am going to be a housewife, but I need to work on something, I need to work on myself.

I was thinking of what I could work on for myself. And that answer was simple enough. I need to lose weight, I am so unhealthy that I get winded doing the simplest of tasks, I'm not as strong as I used to be which is really a bothersome thing and I love to be active, so why am I letting myself turn into a couch potato blob? I also need to work on feeling like I've accomplished something in my life.

So I did some research, I feel like I can't make it as a teacher, but I would still love to work with kids, so I applied to GTCC to start in their Early Childhood Education program that will give me an Associates degree and let me be able to work in many different child care facilities. Which would be an exciting thing for me.

Then last but certainly not least, I want to be a writer. So I really need to get into the routine of writing at least 90 minutes a day, make it a habit and finish my book that I've been working on forever.

There are so many things I need to do, and it's hard doing them, especially since my main driving force is my mother and she's so far away. She's my support buddy and I don't have her close by and where Sage is great and supportive he doesn't push me to do anything, and I need to be pushed.

So here I am, having applied to GTCC, filling out my FAFSA, and trying to figure out some healthy meals to make.

I went to bed early for me last night, around 1am, but I still slept until 1pm and I was so tired when I tried to wake up at 9. But the going to bed early is a start for sure.

Usually I'll be just getting out of bed, sitting on the couch and doing things on the internet and that's how I'd remain. But today I've been up for a while, checked my mail, did some progressive things on the internet and I'm even dressed and ready to go out shopping for groceries as soon as my list is made.

Progress. Takes one step at a time I guess.

Wish me luck. ^^v

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Progress...

So I managed to stay up until 1pm! Yaaay! But then I fell asleep.

Aww...

But only until five, which is four hours which is four hours less than the normal recommended sleep which means I'm still dead tired, which means I can go to bed at a decent hour tonight!

Yay!!!

I have successfully accomplished one thing I was set out to do! Yosha!

Now I'm waiting for it to be 11pm outside so I can go to sleep.

Sooo sleepy.

I feel like I'm wanting to do something, not really sure what it is. But I think I'll go and take a shower to wake myself up a bit. Maybe I'll get lucky and this night'll fly by!

Oh yeah, at 3am this morning I made the perfect looking omelette (for some reason spell check is dissing my spelling of this word O_o ) and I took a picture of it! I think I'll post it at some point in time. ^^; It was so pretty.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sleepy...

So my plan failed horrible. I can admit that.

I ended up sitting on the couch and falling asleep for many hours. Luckily though I'm still tired, don't know if it'll hang around until tonight though. Usually when the sun sets I get a second wind.

I spent a lot of last night going through music to pull out songs I like from artists I had downloaded at some point in time on my computer. My new favorite Japanese band is School Food Punishment. She kind of reminds me of a mellow jazz singer, only not because I don't like jazz. I like her voice and most of her songs. They aren't spectacular but they're something I could listen to everyday. The song Killer is one I like a lot but it doesn't really sound like the rest of her music. I like it because it sounds like two songs put together. <3 the Chorus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDDIg6FYyzM

Anyway, I have no idea what I'm making for dinner tonight. Maybe grilled cheese? >_> <_< Don't know.

Urgh, so sleepy.

Crack In The Plan...

So there was a slight crack in my great plan for tomorrow.

Erm...today.

It started when I stood up at 12:30am to go to bed and ended four hours later when I decided to sit down and write. Just because it wasn't on my book doesn't make me any less proud. The fact that I'm writing at all is truly amazing. I haven't written in a year just about. So anything like this is amazing.

I found things that I had written on a while back, added them into folders on my computer. Edited some things, outlined others and typed up a Sailor Moon fanfic...

What the crap, Sailor Moon?

Fanfiction?

Haha, that's right. I'm going nostalgic, and who cares if I'm a 24 year old woman writing fanfiction. It makes me happy, and it helps refine my writing skills! Not that I feel it's hard to write. Millions of people do it everyday and are much better than I am at it. But I love doing it anyway.

Every time I write a chapter I feel even a little bit more accomplished in my life. Even if it's only to make one person smile when they see an update to a story they like. That makes them happy.

I think I'm going to go to bed now. And still get up at 7/8 so I'll be dead tired tomorrow night and can go to bed at a decent time.

P.S. My jaw hurts from chomping on gum.

P.S.S Yet here I am...still chomping away.

Stupid good tasting gum.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Cooking Is Good...

...for stress. Unless you're trying to lose weight. Then cooking becomes a carb nightmare centered around the onigiri you made at three in the morning. Then consumed.

All of it.

Was I bored eating? Maybe I was depressed eating.

All I know is, is that I ate it and it was so good.

Now I regret it. I also regret sleeping all day. Again.

Today I've been trying my best to get myself out of the depressed funk, even watched an episode of Sailor Moon. That depressed me too and I don't even know why.

I kind of feel like I'm reverting back to the high school me again, always looking for that next escape out of reality. Depending on it too much.

Well NO MORE.

Nut uh. I'm done with that shit, and I'm done being that girl.

I HAVE to do something different for myself.

The first start was turning off AIM. The next will be limiting myself to only a few hours of internet time a day. (Hey, that might seem like a lot but I'm going from like 16 hours to only a few...3 at max) But that isn't limiting me to how much I'm on my computer. Since, well...I need it to write.

I read that it takes somewhere like 60 days to form a habit. So Tomorrow is going to be my first of sixty days.

I plan on going to be by midnight at the latest. Waking up at seven every morning to eat breakfast and go on a walk with Sage then clean up the kitchen while he gets ready for work and make his lunch. Then I'll do some yoga, take a shower and write for 90 minutes minimum. No internet until after that is done. Then I'll have a snack (healthy), go for a walk and come back and do something creative (like work on Christmas cards or on the Halloween party idea that I have, better yet, plan my wedding that's in nearly a year!).

Try and blog, because already I feel better about things. Maybe watch a few episodes of something fun (Like my recent Card Captors Sakura addiction or Sailor Moon), make dinner, go for another walk, hang out with Sage then start it all over again the next day.

I hope I can stick by that. I think the going to be thing will be the hardest.

Speaking of cooking, I need to finish dinner.

Breathe deeply.

Panic...

For some reason I decided to start looking up people I went to school with in high school.

This has led to some minor (MAJOR) problems with my self worth all of a sudden.

So, it first started when I saw a familiar name of Cameron Hodge. She was a girl I felt like I was pretty close to the first year of high school, I even stayed over at her house several times. When I clicked on Cammy's profile I noticed that the picture was that of a book.

A what...?

A book.

A fucking book?

She wrote a book?!

It's about how finding Jesus changed her life and her prospective of things.

But...she wrote a BOOK.

A FUCKING BOOK!

What have I done in my life worthwhile?

Nothing, absolutely nothing.

To make matters worse, I went in search of Abigail Porter...found her brother Josh instead who I remember as a half naked kid running around her house when we were in high school. He's in Peru....

...Peru...

And he's hot, and he's worked at Disney and has done all of these adventurous things in his life and what have I done?

Nothing.

Kassie went to Japan. I can't even look at her pictures my heart hurts so much.

If I died right now, the things I have accomplished in my life will stack up to a piece of paper.

Fuck, I'm so upset I'm beside myself.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Try Again...

So this is me, trying again.

Trying again to start writing in this online journal that no one but me checks. Is it still therapeutic if no one reads it?

I wonder...

Here I sit in the office of my new apartment, the office that is not yet an office, it's only partially done but this is the first night that I've spent any time in it. So far it's not so inspiring, but it is nice having the lights on, sitting at a table and not having to worry about waking the sleeping boy.

What have I been doing since I quit my job? So glad you asked.

Nothing, that's right, nothing. I am a complete fucking failure. I'm not working, I don't want to work, I'm not even a good housewife. I have emotional breakdowns and once again am living for only the world of fantasy.

Thought I do love spending time with Sage in the real world. My mind just as easily as always lets me slip away.

I haven't written. Naturally, and why would I?

Fuck.

That's what sums up everything right now about my feelings. I want to scream and pull my hair and I couldn't even being to turn the reason why into words. It's just there.

That feeling that eats at my insides.

Why is it still there?

This writing stuff doesn't help. I wonder what does.

I need a better chair. The one I am sitting in is not comfortable. Not at all!

Fuck.

Wait, wait, wait. That's what I'm doing. Waiting, not inspired by anything but waiting for that next fix. When will it come? Can it get here yet?

Fucking drug.

You're not even conventional.

Fuck you.

You don't even cost me any money, that's how sad you are. You just are...will you ever go away?

I hope not. What would I possibly do without you?

Would I develop motivation through boredom?

Is that possible?

Everything's possible, right?

WRONG!

So wrong.

Not even a little right.

Fuck...

I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired enough to sleep. And then I want it to be daylight and I want to wake up and start everything all over again. Then will I be right back here again?

I don't know.

Fuck, what do I know?

Am I going crazy?

Stupid?

Am I becoming even weaker?

Fuck.

Music isn't even calming me. I can't find the right song.

Where are you right song? I need you...so where are you?

This song is not it.

So not it.

Leaving now, maybe I'll go and find myself.

If I don't ever come back...well, you know.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Are You Kidding Me?

So here I sit. So VERY bored...

I can't say why. It would be telling on a person, and I can't tell on them for fear of a fight waiting to happen...oh wait. They don't read this.

What the hell?

How is this fun? You know that I can't read Japanese well, and that I can't sing will and that I don't know hardly ANY songs like you do but you insist we karaoke. Then you point out a song and go "Oh, you know that! Oh...I want to sing that though." And take it over anyway...

Sometimes it can be fun, sometimes, if we're having fun, which right now I'm not. I'm wondering if I'm going to lose my voice tomorrow because I can't sing, and am trying anyway and wondering when it's a good time to go home.

I love listening to you sing, don't get me wrong, but if you want to sing just say so, I don't want to.

Whew, I said I'm out of ideas and she gladly picked up the microphone again.

I hate the sound of my voice. HATE.

Haaaate.

Urgh and my throat hurts.

And I'm going to miss my friend's wedding because I can't afford to go because she lives on the other side of the country and I feel like shit because of that.

Damnit, move back to NC and we won't have this problem!

I'm very happy for you though. Very, very.

Not that you read this either. ^^;

I have a crap ton of friends that are all like "here is the link to my blog, read!" but never read mine. Which might be for the best. To be fair not all are like that, but some are. Some. If you feel a twinge of guilt, that might be you!

Oh but wait, you're not reading this. No one is.

Sigh.

I just want to go home and clean my house and take a shower and get a grocery list together and be a good house finance for my working man.

I need a job, it doesn't have to be full time, but I need to bring in a little income. Maybe this weekend I'll figure out plans with Zack and we'll see about getting a business started. Sounds good!

I need to defer my loans.

Should do that tonight. And pay the cable bill and the upcoming power bill, and learn to live without air conditioning and look for a new apartment.

So much to do and no motivation to do it.

Going now.

Ja.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Dear World...

I quit my job.

The job that was going to pay me $32,000 a year, with benefits, vacation, sick and holiday time because I was unhappy. That's right, I took my own fucking advice and decided that I am not going to spend my life coming home crying nearly every day, feeling like I want to gut myself while at work and losing hair/sleep/sanity.

I am free from that fucking place.

Free.

That's right...

FUCK YOU!

I am not going to sacrifice my own morals to sit around and not be able to do my job and help people like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to be snarked at for asking questions, I am not going to come home feeling sick because a person whose benefits termed isn't screaming at me "What are YOU going to do if my child dies?!" You know what I would do? I would give you your fucking benefits back, even if you lost them because of your own idiocy, I would GIVE THEM BACK TO HELP YOUR CHILD. Because they shouldn't be punished because you're a fucking moron. I am not going to sit at that desk and cringe every time that phone rings, waiting once again to feel horrible because I didn't offer a survey that doesn't mean anything to me or the participant I'm helping. You can take your survey and shove it up your tight, bitchy ass, and leave me alone because overall I make the people who call me happy. Unless it's those people...calling in sobbing to report a death or to say they can't afford their benefits, or whose benefits termed.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

The job is going to be over very soon...

Soon...

Not soon enough...

My heart hurts, just thinking about going to that place. Let me tell you, it's like my heart is breaking as I'm thinking about walking into that building again. I feel sick when I see names of our clients around the city, it makes me think of work and well...that makes me feel like I want to throw up. I can't stand it. I really can't stand the thought of that place, and I can't stop thinking about it, I dream about it. I can't ever escape it.

That's what I feel like anyway. Even when I leave it, I'll feel that way, and then I'll feel guilty because I'll feel like I let people down.

I hate being a disappointment...

But don't most people feel that way?

I feel better now. I'm not sure if it's the writing or if it's the music I'm listening to. Frou Frou is always awesome. Well..mostly always.

So, in better news. I'm officially engaged, it happened April first and I have a wonderfully beautiful ring. It's perfect really, I can't really imagine another ring on my finger, and it looks so good, it and fits me so well...and....and...

Music changed, now I'm feeling bummed again...fucking hell.

Depression sucks.

Is that what this is?

I want to type so much and so fast but I don't have a whole lot to say anymore that isn't complaining or pertaining to my other issue..you know, the one I just bitched about for a while.

I need to job search, I did a bit of that today mixed with cleaning the kitchen. It is now the only decent looking thing in this apartment.

Speaking of apartments I need to start looking for new ones soon because it's coming onto that time. I'd actually rather not move. I mean, that is such a hassle.

My knees hurt from sitting cross legged and the tips of my fingers feel a bit numb. I wonder...

Wonder...

Lost it.

I'm losing it.

Is that it?

Fuck.

I mean really, what was I thinking about?

Oh, yeah...

Nevermind.

I think I just need to go to bed, tomorrow is my official last day of work that I really would rather skip but I'm not going to.

Take courage, and step forward bravely.

I'll try...

Sunday, February 6, 2011

4th Times the Charm...

So here we are, in SC and I'm waiting...

And waiting...

And waaaaiting...

...to go home.

We're actually leaving today.

See? Short, pointless, overnight trip.

I'm actually waiting for him to finish cleaning the floors for his father downstairs so we can stop by the beach to look at the pretty water then head on home.

We were considering going to a friends to watch the superbowl, but I don't think we'll end up doing that, too much stuff to do at home.

So...last night...

Well, to preface this, I have had sex. Yes, me, I have. Three times, not including last night.

But...!

Last night is the only night I think I'm going to count. The first three were awkward/painful/emotionally stressing/awkward tries to doing "it". But last night...

...last night...

The angels didn't sing, the clouds didn't part, but in it's own way, in the way it matters to me...it was perfect. I was comfortable, with myself, with my body, with him and this morning I was amazed to find that when I look at him, I feel so much more of an emotional bond that I didn't think was possible.

I am now a fan of "it".

I know, that whole thing was probably TMI, but it was something I needed to write anyways, because, you know...this is my blog and all and this is what this is for. I think...

I can't wait to go home and clean my house (what an odd thing for me to say), but I really want to clean! So, I'll jump off of here, finish packing and making the bed and hopefully by the time I'm done with that we can get the hell out of here.

More to come later.

Lol...pervy joke.

That was so wrong.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Weekend Trip...

I'm sitting here on a very comfortable couch after falling asleep very early last night after having a very interesting night and I'm waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Why does he take such long showers? It's not like he has a lot of hair to wash and he's using up all of the hot water...

Waiting...

Today we have driving down to South Carolina to see his Dad and help him with whatever it is he needs help with. I am totally against going for several reasons...

1-It's not even going to be a full weekend, or even two full days we're down there because we didn't leave last night and it feels like a waste of gas.

2-Aunt flow is on the verge of visiting and I'm not so sure how well I can keep the reigns on my emotions/temper when his father says something stupid.

3-We have so much of our own shit to do at home that I feel like it's retarded to go out and help his Dad who is going to be ungrateful as hell and come back home miserable because we're living in a pig sty.

4-He doesn't even want to go now, so why should we?

5-Because he doesn't want to go he's going to be grumpy the whole trip down and I will probably do nothing but sleep.

6-I just want to stay home.

In other news...well, don't think I can share that news yet, maybe later.

In other, other news. We were officially offered positions at the temp job we've been working! We get a pay raise of two bucks (which is a hell of alot) which'll put us at $16.00 and hour, we'll be able to have benefits in 30 days and vacation time/sick time/job security. It's a nice feeling!

Did I mention I'm still waiting?

I want to take a shower now! It's my turn already!

Oh, we decided to keep the cat, since his idiot father would never ask for her back I had a moment of weakness and told Keith we could keep her. Until we have babies anyway, no cats and babies...especially not this ill-tempered Demon who is currently laying behind my head on the couch and snoring.

...waiting...

I guess I'll go and check my bank account and flinch.

More updates to come this evening.

Hah...maybe, if I remember.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Strange Feelings...

Jared started this new blog, and I asked for the link, naturally. I read it when he has posts, I like reading about his life and I am glad that he is happy, but when he's not and I want to comment I seem to stop myself.

I stop, dead in my tracks and the weirdest feeling over takes me. I feel my eyes tear up, and my heart squeezes in my chest a bit and I don't leave a comment, I haven't even though I've wanted to.

I know, this is a strange thing to be talking about randomly, but it's there and so odd... I want to know what the feeling is...

It's almost like, I feel that I don't have the right to comment, or what does it matter, I'm not special, what I say won't matter. But that's the truth, right? The second part anyway...

Then again, it is the time for my monthly misery, and my hormones need to be adjusted in a big way. I'm sure there's chocolate around here somewhere.

Forget I even said anything.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Late Night Dreaming

I wonder, if you could see me now, would you be disappointed? Would you look away in shame, bow your head and stare at the floor in disgust?

Have I become just like him?

A quick flash of temper, a deep stirring rage that gives no pause to thought as it manifests itself in a snarl and a near deadly strike.

What would you think of me now?

Apparently abused children are abusive parents, abusive to others. Is that an excuse to pardon myself from the disgust that wells up inside, a simple and easy explanation to shove back at the guilt of my actions the pain that I feel because of the pain that I've caused?

What would you think of me now...?

What changed in me, and what can I do to change?