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Sunday, May 30, 2010

Dreams Of The Damned



I had a horrible nightmare this morning. I had already woken up several times but decided to continue to go back to sleep being the dog and I were so comfortable.

Maybe that was such a good idea.

And maybe, to some people this nightmare wasn't horrible, but for me I couldn't escape it fast enough.

I don't remember where it started, because the end was so devastatingly over emotional that it kind of drowned the rest of the dream out, but Sage and I were in our first apartment. Amazingly enough it looked like a combination of my parents' house in Greensboro and a Japanese house. We lived by what I imagine to be the water plain with the train going through it in the movie Spirited Away (Shown above). (Listened to a song from that last night, looked at pictures of the old house a few days ago, listened to the sound of rain last night) The water was green instead of blue though, and it sparkled in the sunlight.

Anyway, to get on with the dream, basically his grandmother (Who is already passed away IRL) is very sick and what not. I go to work one day, come back and he's sitting on the counter, talking on his phone to his mother (Who has also passed away IRL) and when he sees me he hangs up and has this very serious face and aura about him. He tells me he's leaving that his grandmother is sick and that he needs to go. Well, me being the irrational person I am in this dream apparently tell him not to go, but that might have something to do with the fact that instead of him packing a bag, he instead has packed everything he owns and already has his bag on. I can't figure out why he isn't talking to me about it, I tell him that he can't go and leave me there alone that I can't do everything on my own. He doesn't say anything, just looks at me with sad eyes and a blank face. I smack him, yelling at him to talk to me. He ignores me.

The dream skips a bit, I run into the house and he is about to walk out of the door and he's on the phone with his mother. I'm crying and screaming for him not to leave, apparently she's yelling at him on the other end of the phone as well and he yells at us both to just "shut the hell up". Stunned I go quiet as my heart squeezes in my chest.

Now at some point in time, I think the real me, not the dream me starts realizing there are things wrong in the dream, like...why in the hell am I trying to stop him from leaving to see his sick grandmother when I'd do the same to him? And why does he have so many things packed if he's just going to see her?

A bit later in the dream he tells me he's going to be gone for a few months, and that we're not going to talk to each other or something of the like. I of course have an even greater breakdown and a friend from...next door maybe...? comes into the house as I'm having a full out sobbing and panicking attack on the floor and Sage just turns and walks out.

Now, if only I could describe the feels of pure sickness when I woke up after this dream. I mean, it was so emotionally damaging that I had been crying in my sleep which is not an easy thing to do!

Alas, I have been able to rationalize quite a bit of the dream and have been pushing it from my mind for most of the day. But it still bothers me once in a while.

Damn real life for interfering with what's supposed to be mine, I wanted to dream about making out with Gackt again goddamn it!

I wish I could have described that dream better, but it's hard since it's slowly slipping from my mind anyway.

Abandonment fears maybe? Just fears in general from the big change that is coming fairly soon? Who knows...but I would like to keep the nightmares to a minimum if at all possible. Kthnx.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Change...

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...that is how I'm feeling right now.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Sick, Sitting and Sniffling.

So I watched a really good movie by accident.

It was an accident because I meant to download the first movie, but ended up with the second. Torrents are killing me, and killing my hard drive space.

What's the movie? Oh yeah, it's called Appleseed Ex Machina, but what I wanted was the first Appleseed movie but it was so good anyway. Think I said this. Sorry.

Listening to music now. Finally decided to check out 30 Seconds to Mars, so now I'm listening to one of their CDs (also torrent-ed, but totally just to see if I want to buy one of their CDs) Some stuff is good, but I'm not really impressed over all. Then again, I'm really picky about my guy's voices. Hm...

I'm sitting here sweating buckets. And I can be in 100 degree weather and barely sweat at all. I can feel it running down my back and I have the air blowing on me at 67 degrees and still it's like...urgh. I'm tired, well my body and eyes are but my mind is reeling. If I were breaking my fever wouldn't it have stopped by now? I mean really, this has been going on for an hour now and if I shed anymore clothes I'll be naked. Which normally I wouldn't mind if I'm like, sleeping or something but I'm not. I'm sitting up in bed on my laptop.

I feel gross, I want to take a shower. Maybe I will as soon as I stop this sweating thing. I really think I will.

I want to write. I have ideas in my head but I can't form them into pictures/movies/sounds or however it is I think when I write. Weird isn't it? I want to work on things, and I have ideas for things but nothing is coming out of my head. Feels like there's a fuzzy wall. I blame...something, not sure what. Lowe's I guess, for my lack of brain power. Oh well.

Moving on...

Suddenly I'm very sleepy, should I try and sleep? I think I might. Though I'm in one of those moods where when I think about sleeping I start to get anxiety.

Shit, now I feel sick to my stomach...

Going to go and yak now.

Have fun myself.