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Friday, January 29, 2010

Look Dude...I'm Not A Morning Person...

...even if my morning is at one o'clock in the afternoon.

Fettuccine Alfredo is what I'm having for breakfast. Mom made some last night (with chicken) and I'm totally in love. Then again, anything you can add a big gob of cheese to to make it even better is almost always wins points with me!

And just because I say I'm not a morning person, doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you in the morning, just don't expect me to remain in a good mood when the first thing you really do is go on a wild haired tangent about getting laid off which you knew you were going to anyway (really, it sucks, I understand that but...) for the first ten minutes of our conversation and then pick on me about the way I'm speaking or that I saw things wrong. Let's see, I only told you that I had been asleep for five hours a good three times, and every time you asked me a question about something or wanted my input NOT only did you NOT let me finish what I was saying before you interrupted you also went off on some random story of your own NOT commenting on what I had said at all and generally acting like I hadn't said anything at all.

So! If you're wondering why I haven't been talking to you except to say the usual one syllable words or an occasional "uh-huh" or "oh yeah?", it's because you talk over me, don't listen because you're too busy thinking about what you're going to say next or just in general don't give me a real chance to say anything!

Now do you understand why I'm not as enthusiastic as you when you talk about how "great our future is going to be"? Because I, currently, can't get past how completely and utterly self absorbed you are!

If it was just what was happening around you, right now, and what happened with your Mom that caused you to be this way, I'd be a hell of a lot more understanding. But considering for the past seven months, it continuously gets worse, I'm sorry that this is bad timing but I think I'm coming to the end of my rope for tolerating it!

So be a grown up, reflect on your actions, and consider my feelings on the situation, because as much as I'm sure I seem like a cold hearted bitch, I really do feel things, I swear.

Of course what sucks is the extreme guilt that comes after typing all of that because I feel like I shouldn't complain with the situation you're in, but I also think that I'd let you use that excuse for the rest of your life or let people use it for you to weasel out of being a grown-up, or just a decent listener in general.

Urgh, okay. Stopping now. There is my rant that I've been burning the ears off of a good friend with and now just finally got it completely off of my chest.

If/when you read this, keep in mind that this has been bottled up for a good while, so forgive the harshness of it and just read and understand the real meanings behind it. Please. Don't make me explain things again and don't focus on the wrong parts.

Read it a million times if you have to, and use a dictionary for the big words.

Okay...done being snarky now.

Going to finish my breakfast.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Last Day of Freedom, Oh What to Do?

Maybe I could follow the Under Ground Railroad out of here!

So, there's supposed to be this big winter storm everyone's talking about (outside of this house that is, which I haven't been, in four days now). I'm hoping that we do get the seven or so inches but by the way the sun is shining outside, we'll be lucky if we see clouds.

Phooey.

Well, it's could enough outside, that's for sure.

Now, what shall I do on my final day off? I don't have a whole lot of time before Dad gets home from work so, I think I might put on some loud music and start cleaning.

Erm...I better run and do that right this instant or I'll lose motivation!

So, bai!

P.S: This is my 100th post! Yaaaay!

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Sunlight Is The Devil.

This is my third day of being off work and I think I have accomplished absolutely nothing. Of course, with the exception if beating a video game or two. I thought that Mom would be upset with the fact that I haven't done anything yet on my four days off, but she seems content to just come home, ask me if I made any progress on Tomb Raider and sit with me in the T.V. room watching her shows on her computer while I play video games. She even pauses her shows to watch me do something and I hear a "Whoa!!" in dread as I nearly get killed or something. Scares the crap out of me. It's funny.

I'm seriously considering eating sushi for breakfast. But there is also hot pockets, cake, ice cream, and chicken salad sandwich to choose from as well. I think I might go with cereal, it worked wonders yesterday.

Oops, dog wants to go out.

Possibly more later.

Monday, January 25, 2010

As If...

Many people say that disaster comes in threes. If this is all that is happening to me for a while, I really hope that's true.

1-On the way home from work one rainy night, I turn on my lights on bright and all of the lights in my car cut off. Freaking out, I flip them back on to normal and everything comes back on right. So, when I get home, thinking that something really weird happened and that I should test it again, I flip my brights back on. Nothing happens with exception of the brights coming back on. Yay, great. Nothing's wrong! But...I think it's the battery so I tell Mom. She says "We'll get you a new battery this weekend". Yay, great, going to get a new battery, everything's all good. I walk outside the next rainy morning, turn my car on, it starts without a problem and I drive to work. Get out of work get in my car and of course it won't start. Next day get a battery, put it in, Yay! It starts and I'm on my happy way.

2-Next day go to work, work, get out of work in the pouring rain, get in my car, start it up and it starts jerking and making this god awful noise. So! I turn it off, turn it back on and it won't start. Try again, it turns over like it wants to start, but doesn't fire. What? Fucking...what?! The starter?! What is it?! Dad thinks I ran out of gas (seriously? I've never run out of gas and the gas gauge is above empty for christ sakes!) Mom is going to come and help me out, she has to finish getting ready. I'm good, a little cold and wet from the rain but perfectly happy to wait while sitting in my car and listening to my MP3 player. Mom calls back, Dad wants to go since he just has to change. Great, fine, whatever. Dad calls me a few minutes later saying he doesn't have the gas can and that I need to go and get one from Walmart. Jesus christ, it's pouring rain and it's an at least five minute walk what's the goddamn difference between me waiting an extra FIVE whole minutes for you to get there so you can drive me to the store and I get go in and get one?! I tell Mom, Mom gets pissed "This is why I wanted to go damn it." (My thoughts:Well, you didn't you let my fucking short tempered Dad who is going to get me sick because it's 35 degrees and POURING RAIN!!). So, walk to Walmart, walk back out, by the time I get back to my car I am absolutely soaked including my shoes and my jeans up to my knees where the water was splashing on by let's see, puddles, moving cars, the POURING RAIN!! Anyway, put gas in the car (him cursing up a storm in my work parking lot none the less and it starts, but OH WAIT it still sounds horrible and it's jerky! Dad says it's because the gas hasn't cycled through, whatever, I hit the gas peddle, it doesn't help, it has to go to the shop anyway to get my breaks done, I manage to drive it over there, my hands shaking because I figure it's just going to fall apart in the middle of the road and I really, really love my car. Get it there nice and fine, Dad figures that it's the fuel line that's full of crap since I ran out of gas and that the filter is getting blocked so all they have to do is flush it out. Good, whatever. Let's go, I'm fucking cold and wet.

3-Today; today I wake up to the fact that there's a freaking blizzard outside when it wasn't supposed to snow at all. It was fun to watch and all but damn, these weather people in Kentucky need some help. Dad gets home, Mom hasn't called me at all today, and the first thing he says "I can't believe your car is going to cost us $1,000 dollars." I just stare at him. "Your Mom hasn't called you?!" Uh no, fucker, she hadn't... So naturally, I feel sick, so freaking sick that I just kind of back up and sit down at the kitchen table. Apparently, my back break drums were bad too, so they naturally had to replace them as well. Oh but wait, it gets better. I think, okay, the car is done, I just have to save up more money, pay Mom back (Of course, all of my savings are seriously depleted at the moment thanks to my precious car. The savings that I wanted to keep for the fact that I want to move to NC with my boyfriend, not that that's in the future really now. More on that later.) and everything will be just fine. Mom calls Dad, Dad talks, hangs up, storms into the living room cursing and punching the couch and I'm thinking "Great. My nerves are already shot, but go ahead, pile it on." The car place says that my car skips gears, whatever the fuck that means, I've never heard it do that, but whatever. Dad says that means there is something wrong with the transmission and that's a "major expense" and that Mom is coming home to pick me up because my car is done. I'm thinking, it's done? It has apparently a major problem and you say it's done? He forgot to mention that the body shop that we took it to can't do the rest of the repair work it needs. Thank you god, I now have an ulcer.

I know compared to may people my problems are jack shit, but that doesn't mean I'm any less stressed out by the fact that I don't have the money to cover it all, that my parents are going to have to help and Mom is already upset about so many things so that's only go to make it worse, I may lose my car because hey, it's fucking 11 years old and it's NEVER had a transmission replaced. I'm stressed out because I think too much, because there's a chance for me to take a promotion at work but not only will it make me miserable because it's a horrible job, I'll probably continue to have these anxiety attacks that I can't do anything about because I don't have insurance. Since everyone else is having so many horrible problems, I feel like I shouldn't complain, so I'm keeping it in and it's making it worse.

These four days were supposed to be my vacation...

Fuck it.

P.S. Fuck you too, fate and the horse you road in on to ruin people's lives.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Skipping Is For Big Kids...

Totally didn't go to work today.

Woke up, said "I don't want to go." and for once, I didn't. Mom actually approved too, it was great. She got home from her dentist appointment and we talked for a few hours, it was nice. Finally, time home alone with Mom without Dad interjecting/interrupting/irritating/irrationally going off at something we say. That's a lot of 'i's.

Dinner time. Will post more later, if I feel like it.

Thursday, January 7, 2010

The EverChanging Post!

Okay, this is a list of things I need to accomplish today! I'll write it all down here then mark it off as I go, altering the post each time!

(V )Clean Room
( )Set up Desk
( )Start Boards
(V)Journal Entry
(V)Separate Laundry
( )Purple Book
( )Find Yoga Videos/Music
( )Download Pictures
(V)Charge MP3 Player
(V)Organize MP3 Player

These are my things for tomorrow!
(V )Start Laundry
( )Thank You Cards
( )Clean Inside of Desk
( )Set up Notebook for New Story
( )Organize Bathroom
( )Purple Book
( )Drawing Book
( )Book Shopping
( )In depth Outline
( )Finish Anything from Day One
( )Yoga
(V)Change Calendar
( )Take Apart Old One

Organization is Key! Making it out here for everyone to see might be motivation for getting things done! Good Luck Myself!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Self Driven, Self Loving Book Shopping.



Today I had therapy.

It was one of the best therapy sessions I have ever had.

Today, after work (which wasn't so bad) I went book shopping with my $75 worth of gift cards to Barnes and Noble. I ended up buying three new journals, a notebook, Heat Wave by Richard Castle, and Grimms Complete Fairy Tales.

Here are a few pictures of what I got.

Going tomorrow for more things...like Yaoi manga. ^^ Wish me happy huntings.

Thinking...

Please don't go.

I spend this holiday alone, watch the sunrise alone, I didn't even get to talk to you when the time was "important". It's not your fault...don't feel guilty. Good conversations happened tonight with you and your Dad. Maybe it'll help you work things out there...

...but I was thinking; please don't leave me alone.

I felt clingy and useless, I felt like my heart was going to be crushed inside of my chest every time you asked me what was wrong. I don't want to show weakness to you for some reason, and it's so terrible when I do.

Stay with me...

I didn't watch the ball drop because I didn't want to see people getting to celebrate when here I was, sitting at home alone. Isn't that stupid? Is it jealous and bitter? I know it shows what kind of person I am on the inside, not good. I've tried to tell you.

My chest hurts now, and I almost wish I would have told you not to go. That you could suck it up, like I do so many nights when I don't want to leave you. But I won't, I'm me, and you're you, and there are things I can do that you can't and there are things you can do that I can't.

Four more hours until sunrise and suddenly I feel very tired...this year I won't make it all night again; I can't do it on my own.

I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it, so I think I'll go to bed now.

Today we've been together for seven months.

Happy New Year.