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Friday, January 1, 2010

Thinking...

Please don't go.

I spend this holiday alone, watch the sunrise alone, I didn't even get to talk to you when the time was "important". It's not your fault...don't feel guilty. Good conversations happened tonight with you and your Dad. Maybe it'll help you work things out there...

...but I was thinking; please don't leave me alone.

I felt clingy and useless, I felt like my heart was going to be crushed inside of my chest every time you asked me what was wrong. I don't want to show weakness to you for some reason, and it's so terrible when I do.

Stay with me...

I didn't watch the ball drop because I didn't want to see people getting to celebrate when here I was, sitting at home alone. Isn't that stupid? Is it jealous and bitter? I know it shows what kind of person I am on the inside, not good. I've tried to tell you.

My chest hurts now, and I almost wish I would have told you not to go. That you could suck it up, like I do so many nights when I don't want to leave you. But I won't, I'm me, and you're you, and there are things I can do that you can't and there are things you can do that I can't.

Four more hours until sunrise and suddenly I feel very tired...this year I won't make it all night again; I can't do it on my own.

I don't want to be alone. I'm tired of it, so I think I'll go to bed now.

Today we've been together for seven months.

Happy New Year.

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