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Thursday, June 25, 2009

Monday, June 22, 2009

Get off me!

That seems to be the phrase I keep repeating ever since I moved boxes from a basement that were literally covered in dead bugs. All I can say is, is at least the nasty fuckers were all dead. Alas, that didn't stop a scream of horror from ripping itself from my mouth in the form of "Jesus Christ get off of me!" when one entered my bug free personal bubble. Why yes, yes I did realize I was screaming at a carcass of a dead creature smacking against my arm via trailing spider web, and that even if it were an alive creature it wouldn't understand what I was saying.

The offending carcass of course just swung away as I sat the box down then swung back towards me in what one could call an exemplary show of defiance as I jumped back a few feet in disgust. It might be dead, but it's existance still managed to offend me even when it was incapable of crawling.

The bug crisis continued on through the moving day, and continues on until today where while standing outside of my house door waiting to be let in (Mom took my key to use it and of course forgot to give it back) a rather horrifyingly large misquito (Dear god...all of the creatures here seem abnormally large) landed on my arm, was there long enough for me to gather my wits and attempt to smack it and it of course just buzzed away. I swear, it couldn't have been on there for more than two seconds and I have a bug bite the size of a quarter.

...I am afraid to see what one can do when it actually gets its fill of my O positive goodness...


Onward to other things, my attempt to stay away from the internet has been nothing but a failure. I'm afraid it's impossible to break decade old habits.

Other failures would be keeping up with writing my book on the days I am supposed to be writing on, but have no fear, I will be playing a mass game of catch up staring tonight and moving into tomorrow and the next day since I am off.

Speaking of work, I have had two wonderful days of closing and have been bonding with my boss. She is six days older than me, skinny as a rail, and very beautiful. I call her Malibu Barbie.

She wants to go out on July 2nd to celebrate her birthday and wants me to go out as well, so we can have a celebration together. I thought that was cool coming from my boss.

More on that later.

I went to Walmart with a buddy after work and ended up picking up a Coke, Cheese Cake and Cherry sucker things to keep me awake for the work of writing ahead, I hope it works. Since I slept so late today I'm sure I'll be able to be awake tonight, if SOMEONE can manage not to distract me for the third night in a row.

We'll see...

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fragile...

I feel like I've reverted, back to being in high school, back into a screaming house full of constant anxiety but only with less friends, less chances to lock myself away into my head until I can breathe again. I try to remind myself that I'm 21, I'm an adult, I'll be 22 next month and I am not a high school kid anymore. I'm not trapped, I don't have to take the shit that is thrown at me, but somehow it still manages to sink into the hard shell I'm forcing myself to cover myself once again.

How did I stand it in high school? How did I deal with getting verbally beaten down all of the time, physically thrown down things, into things while an adult screamed horrible things at me over and over again?

I feel sick for my younger self, and I feel sick for myself now who flinches every time that bastard yells and slams something.

I think I just feel sick all around, so it's time to step back from things and get my head and heart under control for the sake of myself and others.

So! I'll be back and updating morbidly/bitchingly/whiningly like always in a few weeks!

Maybe the break from all the manga reading'll do me some good, because I'll focus on writings!

Ja-mata ne.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Heart...

Fuck it, it's not what I need, it isn't helping me...it isn't enough.

I refuse to not be enough...

Monday, June 8, 2009

Uwah...

-cries-Work out, please!

Sage, you idiot...

-cries more-

Hormones, you punk ass bitch...

Pointless Things, Melt Down, Heartbreak, Irritance, Uselessness, Stress, Idiocy, Anger, Hurt, Life, Dreams...and Everything In Between.

Pointless Things; Writing, Struggling to be things I'm not, fighting for things that won't happen, dreaming about things that won't happen, trying to help when I know I'm not of use, people.

Melt Down; If you're reading this, you're viewing it.

Heartbreak; I can't do anything for her, not a fucking goddamn thing and my heart is breaking for what's happening to her. Why the fuck do things have to turn out this way?

Irritance; At myself, at others, at life, at people, at the world, at idiots.

Uselessness; This post, these feelings, writing, myself, the government, the fucking world.

Stress; Self inflicted...

Idiocy; See above.

Anger; See above.

Hurt; Mostly self inflicted...

Life; Isn't supposed to be this way. I do NOT accept the way things are going, and I'll be fucking damned if I let myself fall into the same pattern as everyone else.

Dreams; Are getting me no where. Being what I want to be won't happen because dreams are childish and stupid.

Everything in Between; Isn't everything above enough?

I'm sorry I can't help, it's eating me alive from the inside out and I feel so heartsick for you.

I'm sorry I'm so fucking crazy, I tried to give you an out, you would have been smarter to take it.

I hate this.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Memories and Goals.

Now just a warning that this post might be a bit boring because it's most definitely for myself.

When I was little I always used to go to my grandparents' house during the summer and every year my Grandfather's brother would bring up his family for the 4th of July. Somehow, my memories of those times aren't all that great, but I always remember one person above everyone else, my 2nd cousin Nathan. Now when I was just a little tyker Nathan's older brother Jason, who was also one of my great loves as a child, decided to give Nate a nickname and from then on he became my Snuggle Bunny.

Snuggle Bunny, or SB for the lazy typers, is my closest cousin in age and he is 9 years older than me and he was my idol. I'd follow him around, want to do everything with him, would want to take naps with him and he was forever getting stuck as my watcher and caretaker if I went outside. My Mother and Grandmother used to laugh at how when I'd call him SB he'd give me an evil scowl but when no one was looking he was all about cuddling and loving on me.

As we got older his parents began skipping years to visit and since they lived in Florida I really never went to visit them. Then Nathan got into drugs, a serious amount of drugs, and stealing and just trouble...and it continued on through his teen years. My family tried to hide it from me of course, but kids always hear more than what they're told and my opinion of him didn't change in the least. He continued on with the drugs until his 20s and I would see him ever so often and he would try and hang out with me but it never worked out well since I was the young cousin and all of the olders always wanted to go off and do things. It was also awkward because he was at the drinking age and I was still a little kid to him so we grew a bit apart.

Then he got arrested and it scared him enough that he decided to turn his life around and was working for a Construction company that his girlfriends' Dad owned. Even though they broke up later the Dad liked him so much that he gave him a start and SB started his own construction company that did well for quite a while. Then something happened and Nathan started drinking...and then he got lazy, and then the economy in FL got bad and he had to close down the company and now he's basically out of work, and living with a new girlfriend and what's worse, now he's back into his old ways.

I haven't seen Nathan in a few years now...I talked to him a year ago and told him I'd call him back then life happened and I never did. When I got to see him I of course begged him not to wait years to come and see me, that I missed him terribly and he would always promise but never show up with his parents.

Tonight my Mother told me about how he got back into drugs and stealing, and how if anyone tries to talk to him about it, or getting a job he turns violent and angry. She said the only person that can talk to him about it is his big sister Jessica, who I also shadowed when I was little. Then Mom was saying how he won't go to rehab and that she thinks the only way he'll get out of it again is if he gets arrested or dies and I got to thinking. I want so terribly much, for my favorite cousin Nathan to be at my wedding whenever or if ever I get married, and I want to see him again and that even though I don't see him hardly at all anymore if he died I think it would crush my heart. So I called my Aunt Linda, his mother and I asked for his cellphone number and I called him tonight.

I was so nervous about what I would say, or what he would say that my hands shook as the phone rang and when he answered the phone he sounded so angry. "Hello?" He said in a gruff tone and I hesitated. "Ah...um...Nathan?" I said, unsure and he snapped back. "Speaking." I felt a bit more nervous and said quickly "Uh hi, this is Kate? You know, your cousin...Kate?" I hardly got my name out the second time and his voice completely changed. "Kate?! Jesus Kate! How are you doing? What are you up to? Oh my god it's so good to hear from you." I felt the tension drain out of me and I knew, just knew that I probably made his whole night by calling him. Of course, he was stoned and he repeated some things, but he also kept me on the phone for half an hour, making me tell him as many details out of my life as he could get. He told me he was just about to eat dinner with his girlfriend Amy and I quickly stuttered out that if he needed it go, it was fine, I didn't want to interrupt him or anything and he quickly shot back "What? No! Kate, you're not interrupting me, you'll never interrupt me, I love hearing from you, it's so good to hear from you. You absolutely have to call me again." He made me promise a few times during the conversation I would, and he told me I could talk to him about anything, that we could be honest with each other no matter what, so I tested it. "Since we can be honest, will you tell me if you're stoned or not?" He hesitated then gave a nervous laugh before confirming, and I smiled...glad that he wouldn't lie.

In the end of the conversation he left because the Orlando Magics were about to play and he once again told me to call him, and I will.

I want my Snuggle Bunny to be at my wedding, so I'm going to make sure he lives long enough to be there. I have my foot in the door now, and obviously, he'll talk to me about things so my new mission in life is to help him dig his way out of his hole again...wish me luck.