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Monday, August 29, 2011

Try Again...

So this is me, trying again.

Trying again to start writing in this online journal that no one but me checks. Is it still therapeutic if no one reads it?

I wonder...

Here I sit in the office of my new apartment, the office that is not yet an office, it's only partially done but this is the first night that I've spent any time in it. So far it's not so inspiring, but it is nice having the lights on, sitting at a table and not having to worry about waking the sleeping boy.

What have I been doing since I quit my job? So glad you asked.

Nothing, that's right, nothing. I am a complete fucking failure. I'm not working, I don't want to work, I'm not even a good housewife. I have emotional breakdowns and once again am living for only the world of fantasy.

Thought I do love spending time with Sage in the real world. My mind just as easily as always lets me slip away.

I haven't written. Naturally, and why would I?

Fuck.

That's what sums up everything right now about my feelings. I want to scream and pull my hair and I couldn't even being to turn the reason why into words. It's just there.

That feeling that eats at my insides.

Why is it still there?

This writing stuff doesn't help. I wonder what does.

I need a better chair. The one I am sitting in is not comfortable. Not at all!

Fuck.

Wait, wait, wait. That's what I'm doing. Waiting, not inspired by anything but waiting for that next fix. When will it come? Can it get here yet?

Fucking drug.

You're not even conventional.

Fuck you.

You don't even cost me any money, that's how sad you are. You just are...will you ever go away?

I hope not. What would I possibly do without you?

Would I develop motivation through boredom?

Is that possible?

Everything's possible, right?

WRONG!

So wrong.

Not even a little right.

Fuck...

I just want to sleep, but I'm not tired enough to sleep. And then I want it to be daylight and I want to wake up and start everything all over again. Then will I be right back here again?

I don't know.

Fuck, what do I know?

Am I going crazy?

Stupid?

Am I becoming even weaker?

Fuck.

Music isn't even calming me. I can't find the right song.

Where are you right song? I need you...so where are you?

This song is not it.

So not it.

Leaving now, maybe I'll go and find myself.

If I don't ever come back...well, you know.

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