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Sunday, December 20, 2009

Babbling Gets Me Nowhere...

I've been thinking about so many things in the past two days it's really amazing that I can function at all. The strangest thing about it is that when I have time to think, like I did for nine hours in the Garden Center at work looking at the snow today, nothing came to mind; I couldn't even manage to daydream. I'm sick, I know that much. With what? Who knows, but Mom has the same thing, same weird off the wall symptoms; some sort of mild but very annoying cold, oh well. I also know what I want out of life...I've known for a very long time what I want out of this life.

Hello, my name is Makino Tsukushi, I'm 22 years old and a college flunk out, my boyfriend isn't Domyouji Tsukasa but his parents seem to think he is. If he continues this "disappointing" life he's leading they're going to disinherit him. If he continues to live in the past, I'm going to end up alone. Things aren't always happy, they're not always great but I can say that if you don't like where you are in time, you can change it. If you're not changing it then you must not mind what's happening to you currently that much, must not want what's in the future to be what is in your present. I'll give you this, I'm a fighter, I fight for what I want; I leave home the day after I turn 18 even with the threat of going to jail, being alone and moneyless in a strange place because I know what I wanted, and what was worth it, throwing your everything into.

I know you're not me, but do you see where it's hard for me to sit by and do nothing? There are things in life people have control over, and things people don't. I don't have control over your actions, I only have control over my own; and where I want to take over your body and say all of the things you can say to me, to them, I can't. So I have to sit by and listen to you tell them to me, then watch back down to those people. Those people who aren't even worth me spitting at. I'm sorry that they're your parents, and I know you love them, but people who treat you like they do are monsters. They're monsters in human form. I wonder how you can be raised by people like them and end up as wonderful as you are. Shake your head all you want to, if there wasn't something amazing about you, I wouldn't be with you, I wouldn't go through this stress and heartache, and I wouldn't have given you the time of day.

I fear. I fear that this will go nowhere. This isn't old news...just useless fears. If it happens it'll happen, if not then it won't. What can I do? I want to say that I'm tired of waiting, but I'm not, I often feel numb about it. I know that if I think about it, I'll get excited because I'll have a real life boyfriend who isn't hundreds of miles away, who I can go on dates with and take to special places that I find. If I get excited about that my heart will hurt and I'll turn bitter when I see other people walking by holding hands. I'll also be disappointed in the end, won't I? I'm asking that question, and you'll tell me no, of course not...but right now I can't even imagine seeing you standing in front of me again.

You don't want to waste 23 years, you don't want to lose connection with your family like that, because if you leave to come and live with me you'll have nothing from that 23 years. You told that to me...

My automatic response to that statement was to feel sick to my stomach.

"What did I get myself into?"

"A waste? Spending your life with me, the person you say life isn't worth living without, and all you can say is you don't want to waste 23 years?"

"Was that a selfish thought from me? I would throw away everything for the person I love, but most people aren't me."

"...it'll never change, their hate for me will never change, and he doesn't want to waste his 23 years. Break it off now...you're wasting your own months thinking this will work."

"I'm not worth it."

Smokey had a much better reaction...

"How is it wasting 23 years? His parents are the one(s) wasting his life and ruining a chance to have a decent with him in the future. He needs to man up and realize if he never takes this chance, he'll be single, miserable, and still living with his parents at age 30."

Her statement is not only true, it hits just the right way I think.

Do something, you have the chance, people who will support you, who won't tell you how much of a disappointment you are everyday, who will love you unconditionally and who is willing to drive the 11 hours, pick your ass up and give you a place to sleep until we can get a place of our own! What else do you need?!

...honestly, why is it not enough? Why am I not enough?

Irony plays havoc on ones brain and heart. The last question...I've felt like I've asked this before, to another guy, after a rant. It's sad...that I feel like I need to ask that question, it's sad that I did.

You already went to bed tonight, you e-mailed me at like 8:3opm...so you had to be home. You didn't get online until 11pm, then decided thirty minutes later, after hardly even talking you wanted to go to bed. That's fine, but please don't tell me you want to talk to me, then wait so long to get online just to go to bed...I really could have used talking to you.

I could use that a lot, but something always happens on your end, and my crap just doesn't seem worth dumping on someone else.

I do that a lot too...most of the time actually. Keep things to myself because I don't want to dump it on others, and so far, nothing has happened that makes me want to change the fact that I do it. You can't handle your own issues, I'm not going to give you mine as well.

Sorry, but I can't see a point.

I've gotten to the point when I'm upset about something I don't want to talk to Jared, I want to talk to you. The problem with that is, is that we can only talk online, at night I guess since you're hardly ever on before 9pm without specific instructions, and by then I'm so frustrated with myself for thinking I could talk to you and use you as a soundboard just to get things off of my chest that I just don't want to talk at all. Or you'll be on, and something will be up with you. I don't mind that...I'd rather know how you're doing anyway.

This is babbling, the horrible kind where I'm pretty sure I've made a hypocritical statement somewhere in here, if not four or so...

This is the point of this journal though, to vent and babble so I won't keep it bottled up and just be an irritated bitch all of the time. A pretty good plan I think; need to stick to it more often.

I have a horrible shift at work tomorrow...so don't want to go in. I would call in if it wasn't for the fact my parents will be home before I'm supposed to be home and then I'd have to tell them I'm skipping work and deal with that and just....urgh...

I'm sure I had more things to say, but I'm getting tired, and I've been typing for a while.

I love you, and want to talk to you...but you're not here, so I'll just do what I always do when I'm alone; get lost in my imagination and hope by the time I come back to reality I'm either asleep or happy.

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