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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Mirror...

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life, where you're staring into a mirror and you realize how much you actually hate yourself? You look at the person staring back at you and you wish that somehow they would just dissapear?



I stood, staring at my reflection after I got out of the shower and for once, I didn't hate myself. I didn't wish I would dissapear. I wished I could break the mirror, and somehow break everything in my past that made me who I am today.



I wanted to start with my father, take out all of the horrible expierences I've had with him, just try to remember the good ones because no matter how hard he's trying today, when he slips it all comes crashing back down. The man who used to beat the child verbally because he couldn't shake that fact that he is like his mother, and the child is him.

I want to erase good memories of my Uncle Michael, so when he's so completely nasty and mean to me and my mother now I can just build up a soild wall of hate and not have to worry about thinking "But oh, he was like my father when my real one wasn't here."

I want to erase moving back to Greensboro, which was something that changed everything in my life, from Becca, to Jennifer and Jared, to Kassie and Eric always fighting and I getting placed in the middle of verbal and physical violence.

I need to erase the memories of watching my dog take his last breath, because I can't think about him and the wonderful life he had without being yanked back into the image of the green vet room, of the drugs taking a bit too long to stop his heart, of how I let someone kill my best friend and never once tried to protect him from it.

I don't need to erase Jared now, those memories have locked themselves away and how he is now helps push them away further, but I do need to erase Jennifer who is not anything like the girl I used to know. It's unfair to her to remember her like she was, and unfair to myself and my own mental state to think our relationship could be anything like it was before.

I am going to erase some things. People lock away memories all of the time, and I am going to do the same. But most importantly, I'm going to harden myself. Somehow after highschool and the year with Jared I got weak, I let too many people in and I get hurt too many times. So I've made an important decision, I'm going to go back to my ways in highschool and no one is going to get in.

I walked back into the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror for a long time, then I pulled back my hand and I shattered it.

3 comments:

  1. I can understand forgetting your past, but you shouldn't harden yourself. Getting hurt is a part of life. It makes you stronger.

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  2. Saw these DNAngel icons and thought of you. :)
    http://community.livejournal.com/catastrophicons/1394.html#cutid1

    ReplyDelete