Wake up, go to work, come home for lunch, deal with some sort of drama whether it be big or small and go back to work while trying to shake off the anxiety home caused. Go home from work after having a half a good day and a half bad day then start it aaaaaaaall over again after a useless night of whatever and a lack of sleep.
After tomorrow, two days off....YAY! ...only Dad is off the same two damn days. This'll be horrible. Good thing Pam and Beth offered for me to go out with them after they get off work on Wed so we'll see where that goes since I just got paid!
Beth wants to take me to a strip club...I turned red and laughed a bit hysterically then agreed. I'm sure it'll be an expierence...just, wow.
Did I mention I'm so tired of the 7am clock in time yet? No? Well I'm NOT A FUCKING MORNING PERSON YOU LOWE'S MORONS!
Bah.
I'm in a strange mood, just kind of...blank I think. Apathic, or something. I can't tell if I like not really caring or not, works for other people though, why not for me as well?
Hope it lasts through work tomorrow.
Night time.
Monday, March 16, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
A Day...and Night to Remember.
I wish I wasn't so tired, so I could write down my day and night with almost exact details to remember the horrors of it and the extraordinary turn around my life took in one day. The first half of work went so well I thought I was dreaming...I was put in the lumber section and did nothing but draw for four hours with a total of ten customers coming through my section to be checked out. I like rainy Sunday's for that reason now...
Then the day turned to shit after lunch, which it always seems to do if I go home for lunch break which I have to do until I get my check put in the bank. I got requested time off rejected and I was yelled at twice, ignored several times and all around wanted to punch out this toad like managers ugly teeth out and strangle her with her pink sweater, the hag. Of course, only getting three hours of sleep after spending the night talking to a close friend about everything under the sun until four in the morning didn't help. (By the way, close friend, you have no idea how much you helped me. Just keep that in mind.)
But then I started talking to Pam, who is 41 years old but an awesome lady who lives with 24 year old Beth (vampire/movie/music lover like me). They invited me over for dinner and a movie, so we spent from 5pm to 11pm talking and drinking and laughing and watching scary movies and corny movies until we were all forced to separate for the night because of 6am awakeness times. Also found out that they're a couple that have been together for four years...robbing the cradle but so good together it warms my heart to see them. They are my kind of people...
Now Beth is making big plans to start dragging me off at night while Pammy is making big plans to have me lay in the sun with her and read books when it gets warmer and you mix that with their SEVEN awesome dogs, good food, great fucking company, and watermelon Smirnoff and it makes for one hell of a great night.
I'm so happy I could just fucking cry.
On another note, I apologize for not being able to stay awake for our date Sage but you probably forgot that you were seeing Ms. Kelly before you left, or are driving or something! We'll try again tomorrow?
And finally, the edge smooths out a bit...off to bed with you!
Then the day turned to shit after lunch, which it always seems to do if I go home for lunch break which I have to do until I get my check put in the bank. I got requested time off rejected and I was yelled at twice, ignored several times and all around wanted to punch out this toad like managers ugly teeth out and strangle her with her pink sweater, the hag. Of course, only getting three hours of sleep after spending the night talking to a close friend about everything under the sun until four in the morning didn't help. (By the way, close friend, you have no idea how much you helped me. Just keep that in mind.)
But then I started talking to Pam, who is 41 years old but an awesome lady who lives with 24 year old Beth (vampire/movie/music lover like me). They invited me over for dinner and a movie, so we spent from 5pm to 11pm talking and drinking and laughing and watching scary movies and corny movies until we were all forced to separate for the night because of 6am awakeness times. Also found out that they're a couple that have been together for four years...robbing the cradle but so good together it warms my heart to see them. They are my kind of people...
Now Beth is making big plans to start dragging me off at night while Pammy is making big plans to have me lay in the sun with her and read books when it gets warmer and you mix that with their SEVEN awesome dogs, good food, great fucking company, and watermelon Smirnoff and it makes for one hell of a great night.
I'm so happy I could just fucking cry.
On another note, I apologize for not being able to stay awake for our date Sage but you probably forgot that you were seeing Ms. Kelly before you left, or are driving or something! We'll try again tomorrow?
And finally, the edge smooths out a bit...off to bed with you!
Never ending battle...(Completely emo and venting like, not really made to be read, just made to help myself.)
Everyday is a struggle...
Not just for me, but for most people. All I want to know is how they deal, how do most people who struggle, muck through the shit without completely losing their mind? What makes people capable of keeping their sanity, a special venting technique? Friends to rely on? Something that calms? What if your technique stops working and everything builds until you're head is spinning, your heart is pounding so hard in your chest you think you can feel bones crack, and you feel the hysteria bubble up within you without any self control left to hold it down?
What the fuck am I even talking about? I don't have it bad, there isn't anything wrong with my fucking life compared to most. I am a spoiled, idiotic fucking bitch who can't make something of herself because she can't stop fucking up.
Suck it up.
Deal with it.
Call me, I'll be there for you.
Just talk to me.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Katie, I'm worried about you.
You're scaring me.
You're crazy, what the hell is wrong with you?
Why are you crying?
Stop being an idiot.
Close down. Turn it off. Lock it away. Stay hidden forever. Leave me the fuck alone. Yes I have issues, so do you, look in the fucking mirror, look at the fucking world. End it. Hide. Run. Be fake. Smile. Laugh. Be convincing. Be real without being you. Just deal with it. Don't cry. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't be emotional. Don't be human. Don't take the bait. Breathe. Fade. Disappear, you're good at it...
Not just for me, but for most people. All I want to know is how they deal, how do most people who struggle, muck through the shit without completely losing their mind? What makes people capable of keeping their sanity, a special venting technique? Friends to rely on? Something that calms? What if your technique stops working and everything builds until you're head is spinning, your heart is pounding so hard in your chest you think you can feel bones crack, and you feel the hysteria bubble up within you without any self control left to hold it down?
What the fuck am I even talking about? I don't have it bad, there isn't anything wrong with my fucking life compared to most. I am a spoiled, idiotic fucking bitch who can't make something of herself because she can't stop fucking up.
Suck it up.
Deal with it.
Call me, I'll be there for you.
Just talk to me.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Katie, I'm worried about you.
You're scaring me.
You're crazy, what the hell is wrong with you?
Why are you crying?
Stop being an idiot.
Close down. Turn it off. Lock it away. Stay hidden forever. Leave me the fuck alone. Yes I have issues, so do you, look in the fucking mirror, look at the fucking world. End it. Hide. Run. Be fake. Smile. Laugh. Be convincing. Be real without being you. Just deal with it. Don't cry. Don't feel sorry for yourself. Don't be emotional. Don't be human. Don't take the bait. Breathe. Fade. Disappear, you're good at it...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Update...for some of you.
Just because I have yet to talk about it…I guess I’ll put it down since a lot of people still don’t know it happened.
What a morbid first post of the new month since I got lazy and skipped a whole one…oh well…
Dates aren’t important, they’re really not. Of course I’m saying this because I’m much to lazy to think back to dates, but a week ago…wow, it really was a week ago Mom and I went to the movies since I had the weekend off; we had a great time and I know it was Saturday, we saw two movies in a row Confessions of A Shopaholic and Push.
Wait, I don’t want to tell this story in full, so basically, very long story short. The next day Mom was sick, so sick I took her to the emergency room where after two very long days of waiting, and crying and watching my mother die we found out that she had Viral Encephalitis which kills 70% of people who contract it and don’t get meds within the first few days and which kills 30% of people who have had the meds. Then they think it’s the flu, it ended up being both…so after spending Sunday-Thursday with her at the hospital, not sleeping, smiling and taking care of her when she was awake and feeling like my chest was going to explode while I tried to stay sane, coherent and optimistic while she was sleeping, she got to go home, and is recovering nicely. I, on the other hand got to spend Sat/Sun throwing up my guts since she gave me her flu. Fun.
During which all of that, when my father wasn’t being a completely useless douche-bag because he can’t keep his head in a crisis, was biting off mine every five seconds because I was someone to take shit out on. This is after being an only child, not really having someone right there to cry to while taking care of my DYING mother and getting no sleep for 48 hours, then getting two hours of sleep the next day then maybe, MAYBE three the next if you add all of the cat naps together.
I sold my soul on top of it all. It just came out as I was walking out of Mom’s hospital room to call her boss on her worst day. I closed my eyes and tried to hold it together while thinking very clearly “I’ll give you my soul if you make her better.” Who knows who I was talking to, or where the thought even came from, I guess I was just that desperate.
But, aside from a few random anxiety attacks when I have to be away from her everything is fine now. She goes back to work full time next week, and life continues on as always.
And by everything being fine I mean, my car broke down, is now fixed, Dad’s truck has been broken down, that’s now fixed as well, I was late paying rent two months in a row back in Boone, Dad is a complete FUCKING BASTARD when he needs to be something much better for Mom’s sake and for mine (nothing new there) and I thought I loved my job and now I’m having second thoughts.
Self checkout, how I loathe you.
Now, for the good things. I got my first paycheck! Yaaaay~! It was $381.72 and all of it went to rent. XD. I opened a bank account here and when my first automatic check drops into it through Lowes I get $150 promotional free money! Yaaaay~! Today was sooo nice outside, and after I got off work I got to spend a little bit of time in the daylight and in the wind and that is always great, and I got an eggplant from work! It’s a plant in a ceramic egg. Too fucking cute, I had to get it!
I’m sure there’s more…but the fact that I really have to pee has me distracted.
So…
What a morbid first post of the new month since I got lazy and skipped a whole one…oh well…
Dates aren’t important, they’re really not. Of course I’m saying this because I’m much to lazy to think back to dates, but a week ago…wow, it really was a week ago Mom and I went to the movies since I had the weekend off; we had a great time and I know it was Saturday, we saw two movies in a row Confessions of A Shopaholic and Push.
Wait, I don’t want to tell this story in full, so basically, very long story short. The next day Mom was sick, so sick I took her to the emergency room where after two very long days of waiting, and crying and watching my mother die we found out that she had Viral Encephalitis which kills 70% of people who contract it and don’t get meds within the first few days and which kills 30% of people who have had the meds. Then they think it’s the flu, it ended up being both…so after spending Sunday-Thursday with her at the hospital, not sleeping, smiling and taking care of her when she was awake and feeling like my chest was going to explode while I tried to stay sane, coherent and optimistic while she was sleeping, she got to go home, and is recovering nicely. I, on the other hand got to spend Sat/Sun throwing up my guts since she gave me her flu. Fun.
During which all of that, when my father wasn’t being a completely useless douche-bag because he can’t keep his head in a crisis, was biting off mine every five seconds because I was someone to take shit out on. This is after being an only child, not really having someone right there to cry to while taking care of my DYING mother and getting no sleep for 48 hours, then getting two hours of sleep the next day then maybe, MAYBE three the next if you add all of the cat naps together.
I sold my soul on top of it all. It just came out as I was walking out of Mom’s hospital room to call her boss on her worst day. I closed my eyes and tried to hold it together while thinking very clearly “I’ll give you my soul if you make her better.” Who knows who I was talking to, or where the thought even came from, I guess I was just that desperate.
But, aside from a few random anxiety attacks when I have to be away from her everything is fine now. She goes back to work full time next week, and life continues on as always.
And by everything being fine I mean, my car broke down, is now fixed, Dad’s truck has been broken down, that’s now fixed as well, I was late paying rent two months in a row back in Boone, Dad is a complete FUCKING BASTARD when he needs to be something much better for Mom’s sake and for mine (nothing new there) and I thought I loved my job and now I’m having second thoughts.
Self checkout, how I loathe you.
Now, for the good things. I got my first paycheck! Yaaaay~! It was $381.72 and all of it went to rent. XD. I opened a bank account here and when my first automatic check drops into it through Lowes I get $150 promotional free money! Yaaaay~! Today was sooo nice outside, and after I got off work I got to spend a little bit of time in the daylight and in the wind and that is always great, and I got an eggplant from work! It’s a plant in a ceramic egg. Too fucking cute, I had to get it!
I’m sure there’s more…but the fact that I really have to pee has me distracted.
So…
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
One Word...
So, change the answer to write one word describing what the question asks...or something like that.
1. Where is your cell phone? Floor
2. Your significant other? Missing
3. Your hair? Curly
4. Your mother? Tired
5. Your father? Unemployed
6. Your favorite thing? Books
7. Your dream last night? Sad
8. Your favorite drink? Mood.
9. Your dream/goal? Writer
10. What Room you are in? Mine
11. Your hobby? Dreaming
12. Your fear? Unknown
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
14. Where were you last night? Here
15. Something that you aren't? Good
16. Muffins? Yummy
17. Wish list item? Boyfriend
18. Where you grew up? Greensboro
19. Last thing you did? Deleted
20. What are you wearing? Shirt
21. Your TV? Non-existant
22. Your pets? Gremlin
23. Friends? Few
24. Your life? Random
25. Your mood? Pained
26. Missing someone? No
27. Your vehicle? Escort
28. Something you're not wearing? Bra
29. Your favorite place? Nihon
32. Your favorite color? Silver
33 When is the last time you laughed? Dinner
34. Last time you cried? Week
35. Who will resend this? Unknown
36. One place that I go to over and over: Bookstore
37. One person who emails me regularly: SnagAJob
38. My favorite place to eat: Lots
39. One place I would like to go right now: Japan
40. One person I think will respond: Unknown
41. One T.V. Show you watch: House
If you read it, send it back!
1. Where is your cell phone? Floor
2. Your significant other? Missing
3. Your hair? Curly
4. Your mother? Tired
5. Your father? Unemployed
6. Your favorite thing? Books
7. Your dream last night? Sad
8. Your favorite drink? Mood.
9. Your dream/goal? Writer
10. What Room you are in? Mine
11. Your hobby? Dreaming
12. Your fear? Unknown
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
14. Where were you last night? Here
15. Something that you aren't? Good
16. Muffins? Yummy
17. Wish list item? Boyfriend
18. Where you grew up? Greensboro
19. Last thing you did? Deleted
20. What are you wearing? Shirt
21. Your TV? Non-existant
22. Your pets? Gremlin
23. Friends? Few
24. Your life? Random
25. Your mood? Pained
26. Missing someone? No
27. Your vehicle? Escort
28. Something you're not wearing? Bra
29. Your favorite place? Nihon
32. Your favorite color? Silver
33 When is the last time you laughed? Dinner
34. Last time you cried? Week
35. Who will resend this? Unknown
36. One place that I go to over and over: Bookstore
37. One person who emails me regularly: SnagAJob
38. My favorite place to eat: Lots
39. One place I would like to go right now: Japan
40. One person I think will respond: Unknown
41. One T.V. Show you watch: House
If you read it, send it back!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Jobs, Jobs, Cooking, Groundhogs.
So, today I woke up to the sound of my father getting laid off over the phone. I got up, got dressed and within an hour got a second interview at Lowes for a cashier position...
Wish me luck, I so need it right now.
Anyway, saw The Village with Dad and I liked it alot! It was a really good movie. I also jumped online and found Dad two numbers to call for job positions, because we'll be in trouble unless he gets a new one really soon.
I made orange cake today, with cream cheese frosting and white vanilla chips. Took some pictures, might get them online in a year or so.
Then I made dindin, was fun and everyone liked it.
Woody the groundhog reported six more weeks of winter. I helped raise that cute little bugger, and he really was Dad's pet. ^^ Proud parents.
Nothing else to report...don't think, can't think, brain isn't working...
Oh well..,
Wish me luck, I so need it right now.
Anyway, saw The Village with Dad and I liked it alot! It was a really good movie. I also jumped online and found Dad two numbers to call for job positions, because we'll be in trouble unless he gets a new one really soon.
I made orange cake today, with cream cheese frosting and white vanilla chips. Took some pictures, might get them online in a year or so.
Then I made dindin, was fun and everyone liked it.
Woody the groundhog reported six more weeks of winter. I helped raise that cute little bugger, and he really was Dad's pet. ^^ Proud parents.
Nothing else to report...don't think, can't think, brain isn't working...
Oh well..,
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Late....argh!
Okay, so I didn't post anything for today because I got caught up watching the unrated verson of Mr. and Mrs. Smith which was totally sexy and awesome. I love that movie.
First time I saw it was when Jared knew that I wanted to see it so he bought it for us to watch on one of our Monday date nights. Was totally awesome and thoughtful of the Kou-chan!
So...today (erm...yesterday) I woke up at three, not kidding. Got a shower went downstairs and ate granola and yogurt for brekkie, which was way nummy then did practically nothing except for talk to Kou-chan, went to a few stores with Mum and watch the movie with the parents. Not really a relaxing day, because I've been overly irritated with Mom since she doesn't know when it's time to stop working something...ah, but she works hard and I know it's a busy time for her and all.
Oh! Happy February 1st! Man, lots of birthdays in this month...O_o, almost as bad as March. Hm...V-Day is this month and I'm not dreading it! Whoohoo for personal acceptance and being okay and happy for other couple!
I think I'm going to buy flowers...I really like flowers.
Really like flowers actually...huh, I'm so girly.
I just noticed today how girly my voice really is, and it made me shutter. Boo for high pitched girly voices like mine!
Okay, rambling now...onto writing for real!
First time I saw it was when Jared knew that I wanted to see it so he bought it for us to watch on one of our Monday date nights. Was totally awesome and thoughtful of the Kou-chan!
So...today (erm...yesterday) I woke up at three, not kidding. Got a shower went downstairs and ate granola and yogurt for brekkie, which was way nummy then did practically nothing except for talk to Kou-chan, went to a few stores with Mum and watch the movie with the parents. Not really a relaxing day, because I've been overly irritated with Mom since she doesn't know when it's time to stop working something...ah, but she works hard and I know it's a busy time for her and all.
Oh! Happy February 1st! Man, lots of birthdays in this month...O_o, almost as bad as March. Hm...V-Day is this month and I'm not dreading it! Whoohoo for personal acceptance and being okay and happy for other couple!
I think I'm going to buy flowers...I really like flowers.
Really like flowers actually...huh, I'm so girly.
I just noticed today how girly my voice really is, and it made me shutter. Boo for high pitched girly voices like mine!
Okay, rambling now...onto writing for real!
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