Dear World...

I quit my job.

The job that was going to pay me $32,000 a year, with benefits, vacation, sick and holiday time because I was unhappy. That's right, I took my own fucking advice and decided that I am not going to spend my life coming home crying nearly every day, feeling like I want to gut myself while at work and losing hair/sleep/sanity.

I am free from that fucking place.

Free.

That's right...

FUCK YOU!

I am not going to sacrifice my own morals to sit around and not be able to do my job and help people like I'm supposed to. I'm not going to be snarked at for asking questions, I am not going to come home feeling sick because a person whose benefits termed isn't screaming at me "What are YOU going to do if my child dies?!" You know what I would do? I would give you your fucking benefits back, even if you lost them because of your own idiocy, I would GIVE THEM BACK TO HELP YOUR CHILD. Because they shouldn't be punished because you're a fucking moron. I am not going to sit at that desk and cringe every time that phone rings, waiting once again to feel horrible because I didn't offer a survey that doesn't mean anything to me or the participant I'm helping. You can take your survey and shove it up your tight, bitchy ass, and leave me alone because overall I make the people who call me happy. Unless it's those people...calling in sobbing to report a death or to say they can't afford their benefits, or whose benefits termed.

I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.

The job is going to be over very soon...

Soon...

Not soon enough...

My heart hurts, just thinking about going to that place. Let me tell you, it's like my heart is breaking as I'm thinking about walking into that building again. I feel sick when I see names of our clients around the city, it makes me think of work and well...that makes me feel like I want to throw up. I can't stand it. I really can't stand the thought of that place, and I can't stop thinking about it, I dream about it. I can't ever escape it.

That's what I feel like anyway. Even when I leave it, I'll feel that way, and then I'll feel guilty because I'll feel like I let people down.

I hate being a disappointment...

But don't most people feel that way?

I feel better now. I'm not sure if it's the writing or if it's the music I'm listening to. Frou Frou is always awesome. Well..mostly always.

So, in better news. I'm officially engaged, it happened April first and I have a wonderfully beautiful ring. It's perfect really, I can't really imagine another ring on my finger, and it looks so good, it and fits me so well...and....and...

Music changed, now I'm feeling bummed again...fucking hell.

Depression sucks.

Is that what this is?

I want to type so much and so fast but I don't have a whole lot to say anymore that isn't complaining or pertaining to my other issue..you know, the one I just bitched about for a while.

I need to job search, I did a bit of that today mixed with cleaning the kitchen. It is now the only decent looking thing in this apartment.

Speaking of apartments I need to start looking for new ones soon because it's coming onto that time. I'd actually rather not move. I mean, that is such a hassle.

My knees hurt from sitting cross legged and the tips of my fingers feel a bit numb. I wonder...

Wonder...

Lost it.

I'm losing it.

Is that it?

Fuck.

I mean really, what was I thinking about?

Oh, yeah...

Nevermind.

I think I just need to go to bed, tomorrow is my official last day of work that I really would rather skip but I'm not going to.

Take courage, and step forward bravely.

I'll try...

4th Times the Charm...

So here we are, in SC and I'm waiting...

And waiting...

And waaaaiting...

...to go home.

We're actually leaving today.

See? Short, pointless, overnight trip.

I'm actually waiting for him to finish cleaning the floors for his father downstairs so we can stop by the beach to look at the pretty water then head on home.

We were considering going to a friends to watch the superbowl, but I don't think we'll end up doing that, too much stuff to do at home.

So...last night...

Well, to preface this, I have had sex. Yes, me, I have. Three times, not including last night.

But...!

Last night is the only night I think I'm going to count. The first three were awkward/painful/emotionally stressing/awkward tries to doing "it". But last night...

...last night...

The angels didn't sing, the clouds didn't part, but in it's own way, in the way it matters to me...it was perfect. I was comfortable, with myself, with my body, with him and this morning I was amazed to find that when I look at him, I feel so much more of an emotional bond that I didn't think was possible.

I am now a fan of "it".

I know, that whole thing was probably TMI, but it was something I needed to write anyways, because, you know...this is my blog and all and this is what this is for. I think...

I can't wait to go home and clean my house (what an odd thing for me to say), but I really want to clean! So, I'll jump off of here, finish packing and making the bed and hopefully by the time I'm done with that we can get the hell out of here.

More to come later.

Lol...pervy joke.

That was so wrong.

Weekend Trip...

I'm sitting here on a very comfortable couch after falling asleep very early last night after having a very interesting night and I'm waiting...

Waiting...

Waiting...

Why does he take such long showers? It's not like he has a lot of hair to wash and he's using up all of the hot water...

Waiting...

Today we have driving down to South Carolina to see his Dad and help him with whatever it is he needs help with. I am totally against going for several reasons...

1-It's not even going to be a full weekend, or even two full days we're down there because we didn't leave last night and it feels like a waste of gas.

2-Aunt flow is on the verge of visiting and I'm not so sure how well I can keep the reigns on my emotions/temper when his father says something stupid.

3-We have so much of our own shit to do at home that I feel like it's retarded to go out and help his Dad who is going to be ungrateful as hell and come back home miserable because we're living in a pig sty.

4-He doesn't even want to go now, so why should we?

5-Because he doesn't want to go he's going to be grumpy the whole trip down and I will probably do nothing but sleep.

6-I just want to stay home.

In other news...well, don't think I can share that news yet, maybe later.

In other, other news. We were officially offered positions at the temp job we've been working! We get a pay raise of two bucks (which is a hell of alot) which'll put us at $16.00 and hour, we'll be able to have benefits in 30 days and vacation time/sick time/job security. It's a nice feeling!

Did I mention I'm still waiting?

I want to take a shower now! It's my turn already!

Oh, we decided to keep the cat, since his idiot father would never ask for her back I had a moment of weakness and told Keith we could keep her. Until we have babies anyway, no cats and babies...especially not this ill-tempered Demon who is currently laying behind my head on the couch and snoring.

...waiting...

I guess I'll go and check my bank account and flinch.

More updates to come this evening.

Hah...maybe, if I remember.

Strange Feelings...

Jared started this new blog, and I asked for the link, naturally. I read it when he has posts, I like reading about his life and I am glad that he is happy, but when he's not and I want to comment I seem to stop myself.

I stop, dead in my tracks and the weirdest feeling over takes me. I feel my eyes tear up, and my heart squeezes in my chest a bit and I don't leave a comment, I haven't even though I've wanted to.

I know, this is a strange thing to be talking about randomly, but it's there and so odd... I want to know what the feeling is...

It's almost like, I feel that I don't have the right to comment, or what does it matter, I'm not special, what I say won't matter. But that's the truth, right? The second part anyway...

Then again, it is the time for my monthly misery, and my hormones need to be adjusted in a big way. I'm sure there's chocolate around here somewhere.

Forget I even said anything.

Late Night Dreaming

I wonder, if you could see me now, would you be disappointed? Would you look away in shame, bow your head and stare at the floor in disgust?

Have I become just like him?

A quick flash of temper, a deep stirring rage that gives no pause to thought as it manifests itself in a snarl and a near deadly strike.

What would you think of me now?

Apparently abused children are abusive parents, abusive to others. Is that an excuse to pardon myself from the disgust that wells up inside, a simple and easy explanation to shove back at the guilt of my actions the pain that I feel because of the pain that I've caused?

What would you think of me now...?

What changed in me, and what can I do to change?

I Want To...

I want to write, but this is all that comes out.

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Damn, and here I thought I could write something...

Iro Iro...Many Things...

Hello Greensboro, North Carolina. I have been living in you for four months now and it feels like it's only been weeks, slightly slow weeks, but weeks none the less. There have been struggles, hard struggles and there have been amazing changes thus far. I know a secret, can't share it yet, but I will when it's time. Whenever that may be.

Keith has his good days and bad days. Mostly good when he's with me (which is always since we are now sharing an apartment in the vast city of Greensboro), with a few times of severe lows. He's having trouble with his mother's death, naturally, but...I feel helpless when these lows come around and I want to be able to soothe his pain. He struggles with his very much alive father who keeps the tradition around of hating me alive for whatever reason him and Kathy had hidden away (other than the fact that I did not complete college ((yet)) ). That is something I've been trying to rectify with very little success and now Mr. Hill is going to be having hip replacement surgery which I believe is going to be impacting our lives greatly (and by our I mean, Keith's so that impacts me). I am dearly hoping he has the surgery in Greensboro, that way Keith can try and build up his relationship with his father more, if his father will have it. I have never seen a family like theirs and never wish to again if I can help it. Keith and I made a trip down to SC to replace the flowers on the family graves and of course went to visit his father, it was a painfully awkward trip for me which ended in greatness when we got to spend a few hours on the beach, just watching the ocean and that was very nice. We took pictures until my camera ran out of batteries.

We've been working at AON as temporary CSR's where we answer the phone and help people enroll for their 2011 benefits from difference companies such as MGM, Sony, Ryder, Harrah's Entertainment, etc. We have been working out asses off and are hoping to get full time jobs. I don't have much hope for that now, but it's been a good experience and has been allowing us to save up money. Our next purchase will be a real bed instead of the slowly deflating blow up bed we've been using. I haven't gotten to see my friend's hardly at all between working mandatory over-time and seeing my family and being just too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and I fear that it's harming my relationships with people. One person in particular. I feel like a shitty person for not seeing her, it's really sad too because we're so close together but with work, and the holiday season being here cluttering up our weekends I don't know when I'll get to see her. I hope she can forgive me...it's not like I'm not trying to keep in touch or see her, life is just being difficult right now and not making much allowances for having a social life. I don't even get to watch my shows that I want to see. Castle, House, all of the J-drama and anime I want to catch up on, nothing. I haven't even been listening to my MP3 player, which is something (for those of you who know me) is SO out of the ordinary it's scary. Usually it's glued to my hand with the cords resting over my shoulder.

I need to clean the apartment. My apartment, did I mention I live in one? It's on the first floor and consists of a very small kitchen, a bed room, bathroom and a patio. I like it okay, it's a little dark for my taste, not a whole lot of natural light and we lack decent furniture (like...a couch?) so having company over is just embarrassing which is, if you're wondering why I haven't had you over yet...is the reason. I also need to do laundry, at the apartment owned mat just a few steps from our apartment building. It builds up over the week, and since we don't get home until around seven, don't get to eat until around eight and have to go to bed around ten I tend to neglect it during the week for other things...like sleeping or just laying in bed wondering if my life is going to continue to consist of long days where I don't feel accomplished at all even though I'm making money.

This is the first time I've written anything since I moved, no fanfiction, no stories, no poems, nothing. My mind needs a good rest. Hopefully in these next few weeks I will have what I need, even if it is while I'm searching for a new job because this temp job is nearly up.

Well...I think that's enough stuff for now. Today is Keith's birthday and I'm going to go and make him a steak dinner.

Ciao