Well...Damn.

So I'm riding back from Beth and Pam's house tonight, or erm, should I say this morning and I stick my ear phones in my ears to listen to my MP3 player and what do you know, but the headphones are shorting out. I mean, I love Gackt singing closer and farther away constantly as the next girl does, but please I want to hear the bridge in the music stay solid so I can hear ChaCha bust out an awesome solo. I guess I'll have to go and pick up some new headphones tomorrow, which isn't a big deal considering I just got paid at 6am this morning.

I find myself having to pee more often these days, alcohol cause, or bladder rebeling? You decide.

While I'm complaining about electronics, I stupidly (and I say this because I didn't discover this sooner) found out a campaign mode on SoulCaliberIII and I played it for a good six hours along with the rest of my 13 hours of saved game time...and what did my memory card do? It corrupted! Ooooof course it did. Fucking thing. I would have broken it in half if I didn't need it so much.

I'm supposed to be getting up at eight to get ready for the day and go out with Mom to get my car serviced and to spend part of the day with her before I have to return to hell at 2pm until 11pm. I guess since I stated that I was hoping I would realize that that time is just about four hours away and I should go to sleep now...hm...not clicking. Oh well.

So...I need to pick up a pack of CDs tomorrow as well, so I can make a few good mixed ones for the trip on Monday morning to my homeland of NC. I'm not looking forward to the drive, but it's not the drive there I'm worried about, it's the horrible drive back that I don't want to do. It's almost so hauntingly annoying that it makes me not want to leave at all but I have a plan! If I REALLY can't make it on Tuesday, I'll just call out of work on Wed and tell them that I'm *cough cough* ill or something and just go back Wed afternoon. I'll only use that as a last resort, hopefully someone would be kind enough to help edge me away from that idea though.

I'm trying to switch scheduals with someone at work for Sunday, so I could open instead of close so I could leave on Sunday and not Monday, so I atleast get one full day there. That would be so nice. -sigh-

Hm, I guess I'm rambling now...my fingers are tingling on the tips, I wonder what that means.

Oh, there's this guy from work, Will who I think I might like, but not really since I don't think he'll ever, EVER like me. But he was at Beth and Pam's house and he was teasing me so I got into a play fight with him that ended up turning into a match to see who could out do who with tossing each other around a bit and let me tell you...that man is fucking STRONG. I mean, I held my own but by the third time he slammed me back into the wall, pinned my wrists in his hands and had a cocky grin on his face I decided to give it my all and battled him match for match and by the end of it, my legs and arms were jello like.

Smells good?

Check.

Taller than me?

Double check.

Funny?

Check.

Strong and built?

Dear god...I could just color in the box.

Did I mentioned he pinned me to a wall, several times? -fans self-

Too bad the boy isn't so much my type in the end...and he's a bit old...er.

We work together!

Erm...goodnight.

Fighting Back Fury.

There is this horrible demon inside of me that is clawing my insides raw trying to force it's way out. It wants to take things out on people that just happen to cross my path, or say the wrong thing and it makes me so sick inside that I know this and can't control it. It always seems to win over my will no matter how much I swallow the lump of rage and in the end I hurt/maime/depress/hurt more the people I care about. If I have to analize this I find that it's a pretty common human trait, but I don't think that offers me comfort.

The worst part about it is, is that this barely contained fury is almost always the result of being hurt or utterly dissapointed.

Why do I still hope?

Book Ramblings...

So I was listening to songs on my MP3 player not to long ago...and this one soundtrack song came on called 'A Far Cry' by Yoko Kanno and it just instantly gave me a pretty neat and gruesome scene for my book, it was odd really how it came on and I was driving and all of a sudden all I could see was the scene. I mean, it's totally awesome but I wonder...if I got more music themed towards my book would it make me put things together faster in my head for it?

I mean seriously, this was only supposed to be like a two year project, but I'm so lazy and lack the ability to just sit down and write so far it's a six year ordeal so far...but atleast I'm getting good ideas as I move along.

That scene was so vivid I might create it in a paint program...hm...

Kami, tasukete kudasai...

Oh my god...

Onegai...tasukete atashi ga. Atashi no atama ga warui, atashi no kokoro ga itai...

Naze?

Kami-sama...doshite?

Hoshi janai, kore wa hontou ni hoshi janai yo.

Kuso...

I'm So Fucking Tired of Being Sorry...

And of feeling like shit because of something one person says to me when I even know in my brain and in my heart what I did was right. It was the right thing to do, and it was the right thing for me to do for my dear friend even if it caused a bit more pain and arguing and hassle. Love is fucking worth it...it's hard to find, sometimes it doesn't last long and yeah, it comes with a fuck load of troubles and pain but while you have it you should fight for it as long as the other person is willing to fight as well.

I care about people, I care about what they say and what they do, I care about what hurts them, what they hate...and when someone close to me hurts, I hurt too, unbelievably so...so fuck yeah, if I can help I'll do everything in my power to do so...

I don't know how I knew what was off, but it was a feeling in my chest so tight I struggled to breath and I was right. Fucking hell I was more than right, I hit the nail on the head so hard it drove home into a complete stranger who needed to hear it, helped them along in the direction THEY needed.

I'm not writing this for any smart ass comments, and I'm not writing this for comments of support. I'm writing this because I needed to clear my head and heart of it.


I'm not sorry that I can't just sit around, watch and give what little comfort I can. I found that I could do something to help... and I don't regret it at all.

Dear God...I Need A Real Weekend...

Wasted...my night last night was so very wasted! Instead of staying up like I always do I went to sleep at a "decent" hour as some people would call it...and to me, it was a waste of good nighttime! Fucking hell. I could have been writing, or cleaning, or something other than sleeping needlessly because I'm still tired even though I slept alot!

Bah! Anyway, I wrote that first paragraph hours ago...it's not really 1:25 am and I have to be up at six to get ready for work, but what am I doing instead? I'm having a heart melting last episode of Mei-chan no Shitsuji, and by heart melting I mean it made my chest throb the ending was so nice. Hn...I'm such a very hopeless romantic. I want to live in a fairy tale, or something along the lines of the things I read and watch, you'd think I'd grow out of that by now! Mou, for the love of cheese...

I figured out some things about myself which came out of no where and were surprising and true. I don't need a boyfriend right now no matter if the hottest guy in the world were to ask me out. That's because I'd be a terrible girlfriend because of many reasons. The main one is, is that I'm not happy with myself so very often, the way I look or act, or the lack of ability to make new friends or be confident about things and I think that gives me a very negative aura. So! I'm going to start working on making myself better in my own eyes so I can be happier with myself so I can reflect that to other people so I can finally get a boyfriend! Mwahaha, my plan is complete! Now for the action...

Did I mention the ending of that was so good? God, a good ending finally on something, something that made me wholly satisfied...hn...going to sleep now.

Awake...

I've been awake almost all night! I went to bed at 11:45...and awoke at 1am and stayed up all the rest of the morning to be at work in about thirty minutes! Yaaay for bad ideas!

Hehehe, just saying hullo, and goodmorning, since this is so rare and all. Hope I can make it through the day and can horde lots of money for mountain dew!!