Book Ramblings...

So I was listening to songs on my MP3 player not to long ago...and this one soundtrack song came on called 'A Far Cry' by Yoko Kanno and it just instantly gave me a pretty neat and gruesome scene for my book, it was odd really how it came on and I was driving and all of a sudden all I could see was the scene. I mean, it's totally awesome but I wonder...if I got more music themed towards my book would it make me put things together faster in my head for it?

I mean seriously, this was only supposed to be like a two year project, but I'm so lazy and lack the ability to just sit down and write so far it's a six year ordeal so far...but atleast I'm getting good ideas as I move along.

That scene was so vivid I might create it in a paint program...hm...

Kami, tasukete kudasai...

Oh my god...

Onegai...tasukete atashi ga. Atashi no atama ga warui, atashi no kokoro ga itai...

Naze?

Kami-sama...doshite?

Hoshi janai, kore wa hontou ni hoshi janai yo.

Kuso...

I'm So Fucking Tired of Being Sorry...

And of feeling like shit because of something one person says to me when I even know in my brain and in my heart what I did was right. It was the right thing to do, and it was the right thing for me to do for my dear friend even if it caused a bit more pain and arguing and hassle. Love is fucking worth it...it's hard to find, sometimes it doesn't last long and yeah, it comes with a fuck load of troubles and pain but while you have it you should fight for it as long as the other person is willing to fight as well.

I care about people, I care about what they say and what they do, I care about what hurts them, what they hate...and when someone close to me hurts, I hurt too, unbelievably so...so fuck yeah, if I can help I'll do everything in my power to do so...

I don't know how I knew what was off, but it was a feeling in my chest so tight I struggled to breath and I was right. Fucking hell I was more than right, I hit the nail on the head so hard it drove home into a complete stranger who needed to hear it, helped them along in the direction THEY needed.

I'm not writing this for any smart ass comments, and I'm not writing this for comments of support. I'm writing this because I needed to clear my head and heart of it.


I'm not sorry that I can't just sit around, watch and give what little comfort I can. I found that I could do something to help... and I don't regret it at all.

Dear God...I Need A Real Weekend...

Wasted...my night last night was so very wasted! Instead of staying up like I always do I went to sleep at a "decent" hour as some people would call it...and to me, it was a waste of good nighttime! Fucking hell. I could have been writing, or cleaning, or something other than sleeping needlessly because I'm still tired even though I slept alot!

Bah! Anyway, I wrote that first paragraph hours ago...it's not really 1:25 am and I have to be up at six to get ready for work, but what am I doing instead? I'm having a heart melting last episode of Mei-chan no Shitsuji, and by heart melting I mean it made my chest throb the ending was so nice. Hn...I'm such a very hopeless romantic. I want to live in a fairy tale, or something along the lines of the things I read and watch, you'd think I'd grow out of that by now! Mou, for the love of cheese...

I figured out some things about myself which came out of no where and were surprising and true. I don't need a boyfriend right now no matter if the hottest guy in the world were to ask me out. That's because I'd be a terrible girlfriend because of many reasons. The main one is, is that I'm not happy with myself so very often, the way I look or act, or the lack of ability to make new friends or be confident about things and I think that gives me a very negative aura. So! I'm going to start working on making myself better in my own eyes so I can be happier with myself so I can reflect that to other people so I can finally get a boyfriend! Mwahaha, my plan is complete! Now for the action...

Did I mention the ending of that was so good? God, a good ending finally on something, something that made me wholly satisfied...hn...going to sleep now.

Awake...

I've been awake almost all night! I went to bed at 11:45...and awoke at 1am and stayed up all the rest of the morning to be at work in about thirty minutes! Yaaay for bad ideas!

Hehehe, just saying hullo, and goodmorning, since this is so rare and all. Hope I can make it through the day and can horde lots of money for mountain dew!!

End of the Work Week!

So, I now have two days off after a grueling however many days I worked, fun fucking stuff right there people. Now I am watching The Fifth Element, chatting to several people and trying to finish editing a fanfiction that I started too long ago that just needs to be done and contemplating on eating something...hm.

Nothing interesting to tell, except for my Dad is a fucking lunatic...I mean that in the worst way possible too.

Aww...the blue lady is singing. Such a nice voice that short blonde french opera singer has...

Chris Tucker...<3 How I love you in this movie.

Not concentrating as you can see! So...onward, to the bat cave!

In the End...I'm....

(Was posted on my old LJ)

In the end she decided to 'end' the friendship, because it's too frustrating because we haven't really been 'friends' in two years. So, of course she took me off everything possible including her LJ friends list and I think all it served to do was make me completely and utterly pissed.

This was the end result from her e-mail asking me why I never talk to her about my life and where I once again told her that I didn't talk to anyone, one person who caught me at midnight online whom I haven't talked to in a year just caught me at a bad time and stayed up talking with me until 4am, and because it made me feel good, I posted it on my other journal and from that this email message came eventually...:

"The thing is, Katie...We haven't really been "friends" in a good two years or so.So, I wish you all the best, but I can't stay friends with someone like this, it's too frustrating. Both friends have to make an effort.I've never had to end a friendship, so this is a first for me. I hasn't been an easy decision...

Please remember to believe in yourself. You are a strong girl.

Goodbye.

-Becca"


Maybe that's not a big enough picture for you to get how absolutely blood boiling this is for me, so I'll just post all three e-mails.
1st:

"I understand you are going through a rough time and I'm sorry for that. I would like to be there for you as your friend, but apparently you don't want to talk to me? I don't understand it. It's happening all over again. You don't communicate with me, yet you communicate with other people. You mentioned in your journal you talked with someone until 4am and that made you feel better...you're starting to have friends in Kentucky with Beth and Pam, which is great, I'm happy for you! But I just don't understand, Katie. Why won't you talk with me? It's driving me pretty crazy because I don't know how to think of you anymore. A friend or not? I've stopped trying to call you because every time I have, you never pick or even return my call.

Just tell me.

Why won't you talk with me?

-Becca"


Now the rough time she's speaking of, I believe is the fact that for four days I watched my mother dying in a hospital bed. I'm fucking sorry I'd rather post one big thing about it on a journal than have to tell people over and over again about it. But of course I haven't really been 'friends' with her in two years...I wonder if she ever got that fact that I didn't talk to her a whole lot ever, because I never talk to ANYONE about shit, I have my journal online that I load off on and that's about it. Maybe I don't like to relive things and tell them to people all of the time, which is something she's comfortable with, I'm am not that open of a person but she could never quite understand that apart of friendships is unconditional love, and being able to understand that people are very different from you, and being able to accept those differences. I sure as hell accepted her differences for as long as I can remember. When I got that e-mail, I think I just kind of closed it off, it's not the first time she's sent me and e-mail like that, and this isn't the first time I said something like this for several reasons.

2nd:
"The only reason I talked to him, was because he caught me at the right time and we haven't talked in a year. So yes, it was good to finally talk to him again. I don't talk to you because I don't talk to anyone, how many times do I have to explain that? If you're so upset about this all the time, then I'll leave the decision to stay friends with me up to you. I don't know what else to tell you Becca, I really don't...I'm sorry and that's all I can say I guess."


I don't want to make people suffer because of be, so I gave her the choice, it makes me soul-shakingly sad that the choice she went with was the one I'd never pick for us because who knows where the future would take us...

She gave me this card in my first year of college alot with this box of japanese okashi and I have it in this notebook I carry with me everywhere because it made my heart feel better just to look at it, it says; "Scissors beat paper. Rock beats scissors. Paper beats rock. Sisters beat anything. Happy Valentine's Day. Hang in there! Love Becca <3."

I guess people just don't understand me, and it's completely my fault. My friends help me just by being available, most things I just want to work out on my own because that's the sort of person I am. But that card, and the drawing of Itachi she gave me for one of my birthdays that's hanging on the wall, and the Sailor Chibi Moon she painted for me on my birthday that's hanging right next to that, or the Yuki card she made me with the "Baka Neko Productions" on the back with Kyo that's up there too, just looking at those everyday was something to keep me pushing on just a little bit harder. But of course she wouldn't know that...now she'll never know that because I've been taken completely out of her world.

After writing all of that crap, which I know is probably the tackiest thing ever to do but I was just so angry, and I think so incrediably hurt that I had to do something, not like she'll ever see; but now, now I think of how much I miss reading up on her blog everyday, which is something I did check everyday, and how the feeling won't come from those items she gave me anymore. I guess I'll go and pack them away and move on from yet another failed relationship that I fucked up overall.

I wonder if she still has that piece of paper I gave her in eight grade...the one that I wrote to her I'd be friends with her forever as long as she wanted me, I wonder if she threw that away too.