Strange Feelings...

Jared started this new blog, and I asked for the link, naturally. I read it when he has posts, I like reading about his life and I am glad that he is happy, but when he's not and I want to comment I seem to stop myself.

I stop, dead in my tracks and the weirdest feeling over takes me. I feel my eyes tear up, and my heart squeezes in my chest a bit and I don't leave a comment, I haven't even though I've wanted to.

I know, this is a strange thing to be talking about randomly, but it's there and so odd... I want to know what the feeling is...

It's almost like, I feel that I don't have the right to comment, or what does it matter, I'm not special, what I say won't matter. But that's the truth, right? The second part anyway...

Then again, it is the time for my monthly misery, and my hormones need to be adjusted in a big way. I'm sure there's chocolate around here somewhere.

Forget I even said anything.

Late Night Dreaming

I wonder, if you could see me now, would you be disappointed? Would you look away in shame, bow your head and stare at the floor in disgust?

Have I become just like him?

A quick flash of temper, a deep stirring rage that gives no pause to thought as it manifests itself in a snarl and a near deadly strike.

What would you think of me now?

Apparently abused children are abusive parents, abusive to others. Is that an excuse to pardon myself from the disgust that wells up inside, a simple and easy explanation to shove back at the guilt of my actions the pain that I feel because of the pain that I've caused?

What would you think of me now...?

What changed in me, and what can I do to change?

I Want To...

I want to write, but this is all that comes out.

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Damn, and here I thought I could write something...

Iro Iro...Many Things...

Hello Greensboro, North Carolina. I have been living in you for four months now and it feels like it's only been weeks, slightly slow weeks, but weeks none the less. There have been struggles, hard struggles and there have been amazing changes thus far. I know a secret, can't share it yet, but I will when it's time. Whenever that may be.

Keith has his good days and bad days. Mostly good when he's with me (which is always since we are now sharing an apartment in the vast city of Greensboro), with a few times of severe lows. He's having trouble with his mother's death, naturally, but...I feel helpless when these lows come around and I want to be able to soothe his pain. He struggles with his very much alive father who keeps the tradition around of hating me alive for whatever reason him and Kathy had hidden away (other than the fact that I did not complete college ((yet)) ). That is something I've been trying to rectify with very little success and now Mr. Hill is going to be having hip replacement surgery which I believe is going to be impacting our lives greatly (and by our I mean, Keith's so that impacts me). I am dearly hoping he has the surgery in Greensboro, that way Keith can try and build up his relationship with his father more, if his father will have it. I have never seen a family like theirs and never wish to again if I can help it. Keith and I made a trip down to SC to replace the flowers on the family graves and of course went to visit his father, it was a painfully awkward trip for me which ended in greatness when we got to spend a few hours on the beach, just watching the ocean and that was very nice. We took pictures until my camera ran out of batteries.

We've been working at AON as temporary CSR's where we answer the phone and help people enroll for their 2011 benefits from difference companies such as MGM, Sony, Ryder, Harrah's Entertainment, etc. We have been working out asses off and are hoping to get full time jobs. I don't have much hope for that now, but it's been a good experience and has been allowing us to save up money. Our next purchase will be a real bed instead of the slowly deflating blow up bed we've been using. I haven't gotten to see my friend's hardly at all between working mandatory over-time and seeing my family and being just too exhausted to do anything but crawl into bed and I fear that it's harming my relationships with people. One person in particular. I feel like a shitty person for not seeing her, it's really sad too because we're so close together but with work, and the holiday season being here cluttering up our weekends I don't know when I'll get to see her. I hope she can forgive me...it's not like I'm not trying to keep in touch or see her, life is just being difficult right now and not making much allowances for having a social life. I don't even get to watch my shows that I want to see. Castle, House, all of the J-drama and anime I want to catch up on, nothing. I haven't even been listening to my MP3 player, which is something (for those of you who know me) is SO out of the ordinary it's scary. Usually it's glued to my hand with the cords resting over my shoulder.

I need to clean the apartment. My apartment, did I mention I live in one? It's on the first floor and consists of a very small kitchen, a bed room, bathroom and a patio. I like it okay, it's a little dark for my taste, not a whole lot of natural light and we lack decent furniture (like...a couch?) so having company over is just embarrassing which is, if you're wondering why I haven't had you over yet...is the reason. I also need to do laundry, at the apartment owned mat just a few steps from our apartment building. It builds up over the week, and since we don't get home until around seven, don't get to eat until around eight and have to go to bed around ten I tend to neglect it during the week for other things...like sleeping or just laying in bed wondering if my life is going to continue to consist of long days where I don't feel accomplished at all even though I'm making money.

This is the first time I've written anything since I moved, no fanfiction, no stories, no poems, nothing. My mind needs a good rest. Hopefully in these next few weeks I will have what I need, even if it is while I'm searching for a new job because this temp job is nearly up.

Well...I think that's enough stuff for now. Today is Keith's birthday and I'm going to go and make him a steak dinner.

Ciao

My Dream

I was living with him, my cousin. In a small house that had a kitchen through the carport entrance with white linoleum floors and white walls. It was Jill's house in real life, in my dream it belonged to Nathan and I.

I don't remember how it started, just the traumatic feeling of being stuck inside of it.

I woke up slowly, to the sound of music coming from the room down the hall. I grumbled a bit to myself and stood, getting dressed and moved to his room. The sun was bright in the house, and his bed had dark covers.

Then my memory skips.

We're driving along a snow slush road, in a huge city that I don't ever remember seeing in real life. He's telling me that no matter what happens, he'll always be able to find me. I look at him and smile. Out of all of my family, I love him the most.

My memory of the dream skips again and I walk into the house, peeling off a sweatshirt and sit down on the edge of my bed. It's daylight outside, and I am more than ready to go to sleep. He walks in.
"Come on. It's time to go and see him" (He said a name, I can't remember it now)
"Really? It would have been nice of you to tell me that before I sat down and prepared myself for sleep." Things blur in and out of perspective because I'm feeling worried and concerned. "Him" He's a drug dealer, and my fear is justified but I don't want make him go alone. I go where he goes. We're family.

We're in the car, he's driving us up to the mountains and we're talking. I look at his face then down at his hand where his knuckles are purple and split from an injury earlier that week. I reach up and brush my fingers over his, careful not to touch his middle and ring finger which are also black and blue.
"Are you okay?"
He looks at me and I slip my hand under his, holding his hand.
"Of course I'm okay." He holds my hand back, and his hand feels just like I remember, rough, workers hands. He used to do construction, own his own business.
"What about the accident?" In real life, Nathan was just in a terrible accident, he walked away, but the woman he t-boned didn't, I don't know what's happened to her...the tests for him came back; alcohol:nothing drugs:nothing, I was so relieved, not going to jail...
"What about the accident, I mean, why didn't you tell me?"
He looked back at him as I brushed my fingers along his palm. He understood me and smiled.
Everything's okay. We twined our fingers together, I briefly thought that anyone who'd see us would think we're lovers. I knew that I loved him with all of my heart, and knew that we understood each other perfectly. We're family.
We pulled up at a gas station, Nathan got out and moved to the door.
"Come on."
I thought that surely a drug dealer wouldn't be using something so public as a gas station.
"I'm come to see him." Again, he said his name, but I can't remember it.
"Sorry, don't know anyone by that name." The stony faced gas attendant replied, I could see the ripple of panic move over Nathan's body, fueled by desperation and withdrawal.
"I'm telling you I'm here to see him! I already paid him all of my fucking money!!" He doubled over and I rested my hands on his back as he sobbed, tearless. I locked eyes with the attendant. "Sorry." I mouthed to him then he mouthed something back, glancing towards his left...my right.
Surely the drug dealer wasn't really there...I looked over at a trailer, on stilts, no stairs going to the top and the entrance was four feet off of the ground. There wasn't a door handle on the rusted old door.
Nathan ran outside to the place, screaming that he knew it, he grabbed something, the door opened. I followed him as he leaped up into the doorway. I moved in as well, a sick feeling twisting my gut. He was going to get stoned again, fucked up, and we were going to be at the mercy of whoever owned this place.

I jerked awake as my mother moved into the room, she told me it's a beautiful day on the beach, I told her I'd be out in a minute. I shifted in bed, looked at the ceiling and made a decision...I wanted to see what happened, so I closed my eyes.

The room was dimly lit, it was like the inside of a dinner, except with carpeted floors. A bar was running along the right side, small booth-like tables along the left. And it was crowded, too many people, the air was too hot. Nathan moved to the bar, passed his ID to a thing man with glasses, his hair in long dreadlocks, he looked Hispanic, but I didn't stare. Instead, I held out my ID as well to him. He looked down at it, "Kentucky?" I looked at it as well, "I'm visiting from out of town." I had forgotten it still had my parent's address on it. He turned with it and walked away, keeping it. I felt the sickness grow, now I had put my parents in danger if anything went wrong. I looked down the bar. Nathan had a gold drink in his hand, beer I wanted to assume, but didn't. Around another gold drink sitting on the bar in front of him was an assortment of pills.
The same gold drink was set down in front of me as I moved to the bar, I didn't touch it.
"Don't take all of those pills." I whispered, wishing that Nathan could hear me, he drank, his eyes clouded with whatever drugs he was getting, his face not his own as he looked around the bar with a smile.
He sat there long enough to finish off another drink then stood.
"We'll be going now. Thank you for your generous hospitality."
I stood as well, everyone looked at us and my heart started to pound in my chest.
"You should really drink up." The dread lock guy said to me from behind the bar.
"No thanks, it's really not my thing." I said back as I moved to the door. Nathan followed, pulling out his wallet and tossing more cash the dealers way. People laughed and alarm bells went off in my head, already ringing, into overdrive. I gulped in the fresh air as I jumped down out of the doorway, was happy to see the cloudy skies and the pavement under my feet.
"Shit, Nathan, they didn't give me my license back." I turned towards the doorway to see people crowding Nathan, him leaning backwards out of the doorway as they jabbed needles into him, pumping him full of something.
"No!" I screamed and lunged forward, grabbing him under the arms and yanked him back, already crying through panic and a rush of adrinnaline. A syringe stabbed into my upper arm and I let out a furious scream and kicked out. A grunt had me knowing my kick landed and I dragged Nathan away from the place. Syringes stuck out of his body, and the one in my arm made the light grow dim slowly as I dragged him along the side of the road.
"Nathan!!" I screamed, the scream echoed around us, cars drove past, kicking up slush and ignoring us. People stared, but didn't stop to help as I pulled his unconscious body with me.
Fear had me moving fast, were they following us?
"Nathan!!" I screamed again, until my voice cracked. He had to wake up, he couldn't be dead. A firetruck moved past us.
"Hey, stop!!" I screamed and a young guy slammed on the breaks, looking at me through the window, annoyed at the interruption.
"T-they have my license!" I screamed and he nodded quickly then sped off.
The world was spinning now, my grip remained tight as an ambulance pulled up.
"Thank you..." I said as the last thing I saw was the ground coming up to meet me. The last thing I heard was a voice, annoyed saying. "Didn't say you could pass out yet."

"Oh good, you're awake." The nurse above me with dark haired pulled into a bun and one of those old nurse hats faded in and out of perspective.
"Nathan..." I mumbled and she frowned as the room went dark again.

"Honey, you really need to wake up and eat." I opened my eyes, I was sitting up in bed, but my vision was tunneled. The nurse this time had short curly blond hair, my head lolled and everything went dark again.

"You have got to get up! There is no way you're still feeling the affects of the drugs." I was on my knees now, looking up at the dark haired nurse as she grabbed my shoulders angrily.
"What's going on?! I don't understand what's going on!!" I screamed, grabbing her shirt in desperation. I swayed and the room went dark.

I opened my eyes and I was standing, my brain felt suddenly clear as I looked at the short haired blond nurse. "You really need to calm down darling." She said to me as she moved towards my IV with a syringe.
"You, it's been you drugging me!" I looked down, a cup of coffee sat on the table next to me, I grabbed it and threw the substance at her, she laughed.
"Always the same thing, every time you figure it out. You're so predictable." She looked amused, ducked a bit when I hurled the cup at her, it smashed again the wall and I lunged, fully expecting to get stabbed by the syringe. I grabbed her arm and she was surprisingly weak as I held her hand still.
"What are you going to do? Stab me with it?" Her eyes were laughing, I blinked a few times, I hadn't thought to do that and with a vicious snarl I turned the needle towards her neck and stabbed her between the neck and shoulder, pumping the drugs into her before shoving her away from me. She stumbled back, fell back into the curtain and into the wall without a sound. She glared hard at me.
"Where the fuck do you think you can go?!" She shouted as she pulled out another syringe, I didn't have the time to be horrified as she stabbed it into her chest, where her heart was with a groan of pain, I just turned and ran from the room. I moved down the hallway, grabbing a long coat along the way and tugged it on. An alarm went off and the door I had gotten to had snapped shut, locking.
"Open this goddamn door right now!"I looked up at a man next to me, a doctor in scrubs and felt my heart sing as the door snapped open. I moved to the main doors, it was snowing outside and everything just looked gray. I ran out of the door, and didn't stop running.
Nathan, where was Nathan? Those thoughts flew through my mind as I ran along the street, barefooted through the slush, I wouldn't stop. He said he would find me no matter what, and I wasn't about to get caught again.
I glanced to my left as a car pulled up, a dark silver car, the door swung open. Nathan looked at me, his face serious but relieved. I felt tears gather in my eyes as I jumped into the car.

Before the door closed I woke up. It had been a little under two hours since Mom had woken me up this morning.

I found myself debating on whether or not I should call him today, so far I've decided against it. My thoughts may change though.

It was the most detailed dream I have had in a long time...I wonder if I could see what would happen in the end if I went back to sleep.

Beach-Day Two: Swimming and Swimming and More Swimming...

I woke up at 6am as my alarm went off for an hour before that.

I walk out onto the deck where my mother, Jill and Camille are and am once again overtaken by the beauty of the beach.

Booyah bitches, I managed to see the sunrise without staying up all night.

How is that for dedication?

Ate cinnamon rolls for breakfast with organic milk that Jill bought. Apparently everyone thought it tasted really good but me, I thought it tasted weird because it was in a carton. I'm not used to that...but oh well.

Two hours later the kids all eventually woke up and I decided that I was going to go down to the pool for a swim/laying out in the water and tanning thing.

Mom had already put sunscreen on me...

12 hours later with a few 10-30-min breaks in between I got out of the pool, ate dinner. Saw the amazing moon and then came downstairs to my room where I have the fan going on fully blast and am trying to talk to Keith but can't seem to be awake enough for that.

My hands and arms are burnt, typing hurts, but I told myself that I needed to write in this every day and so that's what I'm going to do.

I guess I'm going to bed now, since I've typed the rest of this with my eyes closed and nothing else going on except for the occasional clicking by Keith as he looks through something or is playing a game or something.

Tired now.

More tomorrow.

Beach-Day One: The Trip and the House.

The ride down was hot and humid.

Mom and I rode in the SUV, loaded down with luggage, beach chairs, camera's laptops, just...everything and we absolutely had a ball.

Music blasting and four hours later with four stops (for those who actually have the ability to pee in public restrooms) we made it to Emerald Isle and to the beach house.

I walked in and was absolutely speechless.

I mean...holy god.

Fucking hell this place is amazing.

Wow...

So amazing.

I mean, words just can't describe.

Five bedrooms, eight beds, kitchen, dinning room, living room, four bathrooms, wrap around deck, pool table with pinball machine in a bar like room, and the house has it's own elevator...

Not to mention the view sitting in the living room with a wall full of basically nothing but windows is all beach and ocean...all...nothing else. Just miles and miles and miles of open water.

It's...yeah.

Did I mention we have our own pool?

Kiss my ass, we're never leaving...

Ever.

The first day we went swimming in the pool until sunset, then we sat on the beach for an hour or so, ate dinner then was treated to the view of the full moon on the ocean.

Oh, who's we?

Jill who is Mom's older best friend, she's 60. Her daughter Camille who is 40, and her three kids, Julie who is 11, and the twins Lee and Kelly (named after my mother) who are 8. Then of course my mother and I.

Time to eat breakfast now. At the table, overlooking the damn ocean.

It's fucking great.