Past Things...

I am still bothered by the past.

I take time out of my day, to check on things that I know I can no longer see, or that I no longer am involved in, for what?

Why do I torture myself?

I want to know how you're doing...I want to see what new things you have discovered, even if it is your creepy dolls, and I want to be someone who gets to read your rantings...

But I'm no longer a friend.

I wonder why that still angers me so much. I wonder why I am so pissed of that someone can decide something like that an go on like it's nothing.

I'm nothing, I know.

I'll always be nothing, mean nothing, no matter how I try I will remain nothing. To you...at least.

And then here I am, excited all by myself of getting to talk to you again, you who isn't the same as her. Then you dissapear...only speak to me once more.

Is it because I moved on? Is it because I'll admit that I love you, but that I'm no longer in love with you?

You missed your chance, you broke my heart, you had time to think and to do and to act and I had time to morn. It took too long to pull myself back together and for some goddamn reason I was more than willing to put myself back into that same position.

Now it's different. Now I have him. But I want you, I want to be friends with you and know that you're okay, and that you're not going after bimbos or that your best friend isn't stealing the girls that you like again.

I'm too scared to ask though...either of you, because I think to both I mean nothing now.

I wish I were like that, that people could just mean nothing to me after a while.

If you died, I would cry until I couldn't cry anymore.

If you died I think my heart would break all over again.

Why?

You don't care the same, you don't feel the same, I probably don't exsist to you anymore.

And then there is her, I thought we'd never speak again.

I thought it was over forever, and I said I was glad that it was...

I'm happy to have you back, even if we are just each others entertainment.

There are others, who seem to stick around no matter what, those are my true friends. The ones I can talk to out of the blue and who won't get angry for me being so flakey and never calling them when I say I will and who seem to understand me like it's effortless or know just what I need on a shitty day.

Most of all, there is the boy...who sucks worse than the people who ignore me now, sometimes but who still gets things the same way the true friends do, even if half of his guesses are wrong.

Anyone who can put up with me like you do, even when I know I'm being batshit crazy enough to put down is someone who's fucking amazing.

That is all.