In the End...I'm....

(Was posted on my old LJ)

In the end she decided to 'end' the friendship, because it's too frustrating because we haven't really been 'friends' in two years. So, of course she took me off everything possible including her LJ friends list and I think all it served to do was make me completely and utterly pissed.

This was the end result from her e-mail asking me why I never talk to her about my life and where I once again told her that I didn't talk to anyone, one person who caught me at midnight online whom I haven't talked to in a year just caught me at a bad time and stayed up talking with me until 4am, and because it made me feel good, I posted it on my other journal and from that this email message came eventually...:

"The thing is, Katie...We haven't really been "friends" in a good two years or so.So, I wish you all the best, but I can't stay friends with someone like this, it's too frustrating. Both friends have to make an effort.I've never had to end a friendship, so this is a first for me. I hasn't been an easy decision...

Please remember to believe in yourself. You are a strong girl.

Goodbye.

-Becca"


Maybe that's not a big enough picture for you to get how absolutely blood boiling this is for me, so I'll just post all three e-mails.
1st:

"I understand you are going through a rough time and I'm sorry for that. I would like to be there for you as your friend, but apparently you don't want to talk to me? I don't understand it. It's happening all over again. You don't communicate with me, yet you communicate with other people. You mentioned in your journal you talked with someone until 4am and that made you feel better...you're starting to have friends in Kentucky with Beth and Pam, which is great, I'm happy for you! But I just don't understand, Katie. Why won't you talk with me? It's driving me pretty crazy because I don't know how to think of you anymore. A friend or not? I've stopped trying to call you because every time I have, you never pick or even return my call.

Just tell me.

Why won't you talk with me?

-Becca"


Now the rough time she's speaking of, I believe is the fact that for four days I watched my mother dying in a hospital bed. I'm fucking sorry I'd rather post one big thing about it on a journal than have to tell people over and over again about it. But of course I haven't really been 'friends' with her in two years...I wonder if she ever got that fact that I didn't talk to her a whole lot ever, because I never talk to ANYONE about shit, I have my journal online that I load off on and that's about it. Maybe I don't like to relive things and tell them to people all of the time, which is something she's comfortable with, I'm am not that open of a person but she could never quite understand that apart of friendships is unconditional love, and being able to understand that people are very different from you, and being able to accept those differences. I sure as hell accepted her differences for as long as I can remember. When I got that e-mail, I think I just kind of closed it off, it's not the first time she's sent me and e-mail like that, and this isn't the first time I said something like this for several reasons.

2nd:
"The only reason I talked to him, was because he caught me at the right time and we haven't talked in a year. So yes, it was good to finally talk to him again. I don't talk to you because I don't talk to anyone, how many times do I have to explain that? If you're so upset about this all the time, then I'll leave the decision to stay friends with me up to you. I don't know what else to tell you Becca, I really don't...I'm sorry and that's all I can say I guess."


I don't want to make people suffer because of be, so I gave her the choice, it makes me soul-shakingly sad that the choice she went with was the one I'd never pick for us because who knows where the future would take us...

She gave me this card in my first year of college alot with this box of japanese okashi and I have it in this notebook I carry with me everywhere because it made my heart feel better just to look at it, it says; "Scissors beat paper. Rock beats scissors. Paper beats rock. Sisters beat anything. Happy Valentine's Day. Hang in there! Love Becca <3."

I guess people just don't understand me, and it's completely my fault. My friends help me just by being available, most things I just want to work out on my own because that's the sort of person I am. But that card, and the drawing of Itachi she gave me for one of my birthdays that's hanging on the wall, and the Sailor Chibi Moon she painted for me on my birthday that's hanging right next to that, or the Yuki card she made me with the "Baka Neko Productions" on the back with Kyo that's up there too, just looking at those everyday was something to keep me pushing on just a little bit harder. But of course she wouldn't know that...now she'll never know that because I've been taken completely out of her world.

After writing all of that crap, which I know is probably the tackiest thing ever to do but I was just so angry, and I think so incrediably hurt that I had to do something, not like she'll ever see; but now, now I think of how much I miss reading up on her blog everyday, which is something I did check everyday, and how the feeling won't come from those items she gave me anymore. I guess I'll go and pack them away and move on from yet another failed relationship that I fucked up overall.

I wonder if she still has that piece of paper I gave her in eight grade...the one that I wrote to her I'd be friends with her forever as long as she wanted me, I wonder if she threw that away too.